Why are so many people so vague in their communication? (narcissistic, parent)
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I think there are 2 more components to the problem...
One is the large number of barely literate people being churned out by our educational system. It's not surprising that their written communication skills are poor.
The other is distraction by our constant connectedness. The average attention span is the US was recently reported to be <8 seconds. Formulating and conveying a complete thought has to be difficult with that handicap.
I wasn't sure where to post this, so I guess the Psychology forum is the right place. Over the years I have noticed that most (not all) people are vague communicators. It drives me crazy, because I feel like words are very important and people should use the correct words and add details so that others understand them. If I didn't run across this on a daily basis I probably wouldn't notice and would chalk it up as an isolated incident. But I constantly find myself scratching my head and thinking why can't people give a couple of details and not make others have to ask questions and pull information out of them.
I was talking to a realtor about selling my house. She said "The house I sold near you on Oak Street sold in 2 months". I paused thinking, what house on Oak Street? There haven't been any houses near me for sale on Oak? I couldn't think of it and so I asked her which house. She said, "You know, the house on Elm Street". So I said "Oh, I know that house. It's on Elm, not Oak". She looked at me kind of funny and said "Well, yeah it's off of Oak." Well, why not say the house off of Oak on Elm?
My husband never uses last names when talking about people. He says "I was talking to Lynn and she said..........". I find myself immediately thinking that I know 2 Lynn's who I talk to frequently and he plays golf with a Lynn and works with another Lynn, so I stop him and ask "Which Lynn?" He then acts annoyed. He also starts conversations with no intro and gets frustrated when I ask what the heck he is talking about. Out of the blue he'll say "They gave me a price and it was really expensive". So then I have to ask, "Who gave you a price on what"? And then he'll tell me who and what and I'll note that we hadn't discussed this in 2 days so how would I know what he is thinking that led into that topic. So I ask him if he thinks I can read his mind and he says no. He does this all the time. We have some friends that we socialize with regularly and they jokingly ask me to translate what he is talking about because he jumps topics with no into.
I run several recreational sports leagues and communicate with hundreds of team captains through email. I always remind team captains to please identify their team name, league and flight when they contact me so that I can better help them. Yet they constantly send me one line emails such as "Our Sunday game was rained out." Nothing in the subject line, no league name, no team name, no date, nothing identifying anything at all.
I used to get meeting invitations at my former employer with no meeting room given. This didn't happen occasionally. It happened weekly and it was often the same people who did this over and over.
A friend asked me to carpool to a meeting recently and we decided to meet in a mall parking lot that was easy for us to get to. So I told her we should meet on the side facing Main Street in front of the Kroger at the end of the parking lot. I noted that we could park in the shade since there were trees in that part of the lot. She laughed and said "I never would have thought of any of that. I'd have just said lets meet in the parking lot and we would have driven around for twenty minutes texting each other so we could find each other and we'd have been late to our meeting". I just laughed but thought that was so true.
I don't get it. Why is it so hard for most people to be specific so that others are not having to figure out what they mean? It's so much easier to give details and avoid back and forth questions. I know a few other people who notice the same thing, and we often talk about being in a minority. We just can't figure it out.
The neat and orderly person who likes everything properly arranged and clear cut can become someone with control issues. Is that vague enough ?
This goes hand in hand with all the people I run into who desperately need to ask me something but it feels like they start out with I am born....I don't need to know the whole flipping story...just tell me what I need to know...
I think there are 2 more components to the problem...
One is the large number of barely literate people being churned out by our educational system. It's not surprising that their written communication skills are poor.
The other is distraction by our constant connectedness. The average attention span is the US was recently reported to be <8 seconds. Formulating and conveying a complete thought has to be difficult with that handicap.
excellent post, observations, and analysis! It is certainly a good piece of the puzzle.
I think there are 2 more components to the problem...
One is the large number of barely literate people being churned out by our educational system. It's not surprising that their written communication skills are poor.
The other is distraction by our constant connectedness. The average attention span is the US was recently reported to be <8 seconds. Formulating and conveying a complete thought has to be difficult with that handicap.
What I see more and more, young and even older, the NEED to grab that ipad or phone or whatever they use. They can say they are different and don't do that when talking to a person or persons, but as the words come out of their mouth their phone rings or they glance at their ipads.
I hate that too.Long story short, I had known someone for years...eventually this person moved away with her husband for a better life..new beginning.Throughout the years we kept in touch via e-mail and at times phone calls when she was available.She had then started going to school full time and had been working here and there between that so her schedule was full.Then later she and her husband started trying to be foster parents and then was going in the direction of adoption.She would constantly be excited about what she was going through with that process and still going to school.Well one day I was working and I had received a voicemail from her saying that she would be on her school break and for us to catch up.I was excited because I couldn't wait.Well so I called her the following week since that's when her break had started.I called her 3 different times but couldn't get her.Now of course I had e-mailed her and told her that I had called her but didn't get her.Well instead of her just simply telling me what is the best or ONLY time I could call her...she just stated in the e-mail how they were getting close to their dream of adoption.Now why couldn't this person just simply state..oh the best time to reach me will be after such and such.Well what happened in the end is that I am no longer this person's friend due to the fact that she became condescending and rude to me saying that how she had 'tried' to tell me the only time to speak to anyone would be after 9pm. Now why the hell she couldn't have just told me that in the 1st e-mail is beyond me.Then of course she went further and wanted me to know that how her priorities had changed and how her husband and kids come first...all of this bull.The 'bull' being the fact that when I met her...I already knew she was a mother and she had remarried...so why the hell would you feel the need to tell me all of this years later?I had told her that I was not a mind reader and didn't know her schedule and had assumed that since she was on break....that I would have been able to get a hold of her.She told me that she had 'tried'.How hard could it have been for her to have just said in the e-mail this ; although I'm on break...the best time to reach me will be after such and such.Very simple thing she could have done instead she choose to be rude and insulting to me.She never apologized for her behavior.I thought e-mail was the easiest form of communication but I guess it only works for some?Who knows.
I wasn't sure where to post this, so I guess the Psychology forum is the right place. Over the years I have noticed that most (not all) people are vague communicators. It drives me crazy, because I feel like words are very important and people should use the correct words and add details so that others understand them. If I didn't run across this on a daily basis I probably wouldn't notice and would chalk it up as an isolated incident. But I constantly find myself scratching my head and thinking why can't people give a couple of details and not make others have to ask questions and pull information out of them.
I was talking to a realtor about selling my house. She said "The house I sold near you on Oak Street sold in 2 months". I paused thinking, what house on Oak Street? There haven't been any houses near me for sale on Oak? I couldn't think of it and so I asked her which house. She said, "You know, the house on Elm Street". So I said "Oh, I know that house. It's on Elm, not Oak". She looked at me kind of funny and said "Well, yeah it's off of Oak." Well, why not say the house off of Oak on Elm?
My husband never uses last names when talking about people. He says "I was talking to Lynn and she said..........". I find myself immediately thinking that I know 2 Lynn's who I talk to frequently and he plays golf with a Lynn and works with another Lynn, so I stop him and ask "Which Lynn?" He then acts annoyed. He also starts conversations with no intro and gets frustrated when I ask what the heck he is talking about. Out of the blue he'll say "They gave me a price and it was really expensive". So then I have to ask, "Who gave you a price on what"? And then he'll tell me who and what and I'll note that we hadn't discussed this in 2 days so how would I know what he is thinking that led into that topic. So I ask him if he thinks I can read his mind and he says no. He does this all the time. We have some friends that we socialize with regularly and they jokingly ask me to translate what he is talking about because he jumps topics with no into.
I run several recreational sports leagues and communicate with hundreds of team captains through email. I always remind team captains to please identify their team name, league and flight when they contact me so that I can better help them. Yet they constantly send me one line emails such as "Our Sunday game was rained out." Nothing in the subject line, no league name, no team name, no date, nothing identifying anything at all.
I used to get meeting invitations at my former employer with no meeting room given. This didn't happen occasionally. It happened weekly and it was often the same people who did this over and over.
A friend asked me to carpool to a meeting recently and we decided to meet in a mall parking lot that was easy for us to get to. So I told her we should meet on the side facing Main Street in front of the Kroger at the end of the parking lot. I noted that we could park in the shade since there were trees in that part of the lot. She laughed and said "I never would have thought of any of that. I'd have just said lets meet in the parking lot and we would have driven around for twenty minutes texting each other so we could find each other and we'd have been late to our meeting". I just laughed but thought that was so true.
I don't get it. Why is it so hard for most people to be specific so that others are not having to figure out what they mean? It's so much easier to give details and avoid back and forth questions. I know a few other people who notice the same thing, and we often talk about being in a minority. We just can't figure it out.
I'm with you. Sooooo many people seem to feel that any and all information is some form of power and play keep away with even the most mundane day to day stuff. I don't know if its a habit or what.
...The other is distraction by our constant connectedness. The average attention span is the US was recently reported to be <8 seconds. Formulating and conveying a complete thought has to be difficult with that handicap.
Excellent points. Our constant connectedness can actually make us disconnected! Sometimes it's difficult to cut down an in-depth explanation to an 8 second soundbite!
Take the casual business lunch where thoughts can never develop because every paragraph is interrupted by his cell phone ringing. It's no surprise that he just didn't get it — having had our conversation interrupted a dozen times! Well, he will never understand because he can't think long enough to!
As for "connectedness," he and I are now disconnected. Instead, I am now connected with someone else in his industry.
I see things a little differently. My spouse is also prone to starting conversations seemingly in the middle of a thought process, of which I was not included.
My theory is, she has a running narrative in her mind. When she reaches the point in which she has a question or a comment, she'll share that with me, not really realizing that I am missing some pretty key information. At that point, I'll have to ask her to back up and fill in the details.
I work in IT and find that this situation doesn't happen very often, but it has happened occasionally. Sometimes, we get caught in our own narrative, leaving out some of the key details others need to join the conversation.
Education is part of it, but it doesn't mean the other person is any less intelligent. What I do everyday requires a pretty strong attention to detail. I also communicate quite frequently with customers, so I have to provide as much detail as is necessary to facilitate communications.
My wife does not have a job that requires this level of detail. She communicates with friends and workers where she shops, but doesn't have to be quite as careful with the detail. She is not honing those skills on a daily basis.
And let's make no mistake. There is not a thing wrong with her intellect or education.
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Disconnected by connectedness
Our constant connectedness can actually make us disconnected! Sometimes it's difficult to cut down an in-depth explanation to an 8 second soundbite! 
