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I have an advanced degree in psychology, so I know all about personality disorders, etc., but right now I am coping with several "mean people" in my family.
One, I have assessed is avoidant and doesn't like anything that disturbs her peace - she is really not "mean," per se, but has very stringent boundaries - doesn't want to be bothered with any family drama (and I understand that can be perceived as "healthy," but it also allows for NO communication about anything that is going on in the family - too disturbing to her).
One is an Eight on the Enneagram (The Boss) and has extremely mean fits - where she yells and screams and has absolutely no interest in furthering communication. No personality disorder. Is a hyper-sensitive heavy drinker.
One is alcoholic and has moods and fits sometimes - you can never tell what is going to trigger him. When acting "right," is a complete pleasure to be around - otherwise, not so much.
Do you have MEAN people in your family? People who yell and scream and accuse you of horrible things (that are NOT true)?
How do you manage the MEAN people in your life?
Last edited by nobodysbusiness; 09-30-2017 at 09:07 PM..
Also, if you're an expert why would you use the term mean? A professional wouldn't/shouldn't use that term to describe people with so called problems as you say.
I am fortunate in that I don't have any MEAN people in my family.
I do have a co-worker who is very politically motivated, hot-headed, and constantly trying to take credit for others' work. She even has tried to take the credit for her employees' work...pretty sad.
It's funny that you mention the Enneagram types because about a month ago, we had a team building exercise where we learned our types.
This bossy woman is a Type 8 and when she is confronted on her bad acts, she also starts to scream and essentially act like an overgrown toddler having a tantrum.
I'm a type 5 so of course sit back and gently prod her into her explosions. Naturally I stay calm and detached, ha ha. In meetings I happily point out the contributions of employees that she's tried to take credit for and casually mention the contributions of other managers whose work she has tried to take credit for. Of course she blows up every time. Yeah, I know that's probably dysfunctional and not very nice of me but she is getting better about not taking credit for others' work since I embarrassed her in front of the big bosses.
In the past I did deal with a boss who I am sure was sociopathic. I saw him gain others' trust and then take advantage of them at every turn with no remorse. I dealt with him by not giving him any information about myself, not giving him any insight into what made me "tick", and understanding him for what he was and telling myself to go against my normal instinct to automatically trust others until they prove me wrong.
I also have a degree in psychology (M.S.) and would love to go further with it but unfortunately can't commit to the full-time schedule a PhD would require being the sole breadwinner
Ok, first of all, I do not consider myself an "expert." I mentioned the degree ONLY to cover the "personality disorder" ideology - I don't so much want to go there - I am interested in "MEAN" people.
Marie: Funny about your "Eight" co-worker . . . Eights do "go to" Five and Fives "go to" Eight, so you should be very familiar with the Eight dynamic! They take no prisoners! Have complete blow ups, and do not apologize (in my experience). Logic in an argument is useless to use on the Eight in my family - it bounces off her like Tephlon - no acknowledgement of any rational points - just fits - lots of screaming and swearing. This person is also hypersensitive.
I had another relative (now deceased) who was also super MEAN -in a very devious way. I chalked that one up to Scorpio sun (all of these systems I just use to understand people the way I can understand them - not saying any of this is "true" or "accurate" - just my perceptions and ways of trying to understand volatile people.
I don't get MEANNESS! Bluntness, yes - but not outright meanness in relationships where you don't care what you say to people - you don't realize or care about the damage you are causing to them or to your relationship.
This is definitely messy perception - not "scientific" in the least!
How do you cope with MEAN, volatile people? I have so many of them in my life.
I daydream of what it would be like to have an entire family of easy-going people who value goodwill!
So you are aware you are mean? How do you display it and what is behind it? How are your relationships?
Well, I was kind of being flippant. I really don't consider myself to be mean, but I have an absolutely horrible temper. I once heard a Hispanic woman I know describe her temper as being "like milk boiling over." That's kind of how it is with me. When I get irritated with someone, I try to keep my temper in check. People don't see me gradually becoming angrier and angrier. They just see someone who appears relatively calm and then suddenly -- just like milk when it goes from just barely simmering to a rolling boil -- I explode. I am working on my temper, but no one else in my family (except maybe my daughter) has much of a temper at all.
I generally consider myself to be pretty nice and very compassionate. As to my relationships... I've been married for 47 years, so I must not be too big of a *itch. I don't have a wide circle of friends, but I do have a few very close friends and my sister and I (she's my only sibling) are very close, even though our dispositions are almost polar opposites.
Interesting about the boiling milk metaphor. I have never seen boiling milk, so I am not sure what you mean (and especially the part about it going into a ball - fascinating!).
What do your husband and daughter think of your temper?
I usually determine if the meanness is directed only to me or to the majority of people.
If only at me, I think about what I said to upset them; I don't ask what it was. Apologize and offer not to bring it up again. However, I will expect that their reaction not be repeated. If they blame only me, they are not welcome in my home. This includes family. I don't go to their home. I only accept text messages from them and respond through text.
These people often describe dealing with me like walking around eggshells. That is my intention because any more 'managing ' means more effort on my part. No way. The fact that they feel they need to be careful around me shows more effort from them.
To prevent meanness being directed solely at me, I use the biggest smile, make sure I am doing a part or my part to contribute, try to see other's point of view, be supportive in positive goals, be flexible.
That said, there is only one family who I have treated in the way mentioned in paragraph 2.
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