Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This is a selfish post in itself, but basically...I'm tired of being the "unselfish" one. The "patient" one. The "calm" one. The "responsible" one. The "strong" one.
It's basically been like this my whole life with everyone.
My dad emotionally and physically abused my mom when I was growing up. I had to be the one who "sheltered" my baby brother (I'm 6 years older), who came in and stopped my dad (he stopped at first when I came in...that changed later), who comforted my mom, who had to keep the "secret" of why I was exhausted and preoccupied at school after being up all night long refereeing my parents, hiding with the cordless phone in case I needed to call the police (but my mom had told me to only do it if I really thought she was going to be killed or seriously hurt or something, since otherwise it would break up the family...)...
Later on...now, I'm with my husband. Some things have come to light that weren't clear when we first got together. He's a drug addict and a narcissist. I love him and believe he loves me as much as he's capable of loving anyone, but he loves drugs first and himself second and then me. I always have to deal with his moods and his screw-ups and the huge financial impact and just everything. I'm so exhausted. He's so moody and ill all the time. Everything he tells me is pretty much a lie because it's always part of a set-up for getting money for drugs or making an excuse for why he's going to be gone doing drugs. If I ask him to do anything with me (going out for lunch with my mom, going to a family event for 2 hours for Christmas), he's so angry and ill-tempered that he cusses and fusses about it for days beforehand, drives erratically on the day of (I can't drive), etc. When I get something like a wedding invitation in the mail, I freeze immediately and my heart stops because I start thinking about how I'm going to approach the idea of going with my husband because he's NOT going to want to go and is going to give me a really hard time about it, but if I don't tell him and just RSVP a "no," then he'll make a big scene about "Why weren't we invited?" if he finds out about it later.
And I just found out my mom might have early-onset Alzheimer's disease at 49 years old. She's all screwed up. I'm helping her with everything that I can. My brother is in his early 20s and still lives with her, and she pays for everything for him because he doesn't have a job. Even knowing our mother's situation, he still insists on sleeping all day, playing video games all night, doing what he wants when he wants. It has to be ME who has to try to be strong with my mom, try to help her with things like writing down schedules and bills and organizing things in her house and blah blah blah.
How are people this way? How is it that I've always been the one who always has to be "unselfish?" Why is it ME that always has to take care of everyone? I know my post here makes me seem incredibly selfish but I just feel like I'm going to explode if I can't vent somewhere, and I have absolutely no one that I can vent to because everyone "needs" me all the time!! Why can't I ever be selfish?
I see women I grew up with smiling in their Facebook pictures or smiling and looking all stylish in public...we aren't even 30 yet...but that's not me. I'm so worn out, so exhausted, can't ever hardly spend any money on myself because my husband has drained me dry, don't really have time to be happy about anything...
Pa-leeze. . Look at your circumstances objectively. It's clear as day, just from the few paragraphs you wrote, that you have re-created the dysfunction of your family of origin in your current life.
Get support, get away from the husband. And please don't make me sick by saying "you love him."
I really, really hate it when women (or men) say they love the abuser. Does he love you? You already admitted you're #3 on his list of priorities. He doesn't love you!! And that is not love.
Love is mutual. Love is not supposed to hurt.
You write well. You're too smart for this bs. Get away from these people. It's not an issue of selfish/unselfish; it's a matter of you having a life. Quit acting like a servant/doormat and create your own, precious life for God's sake. Gee.
BTW, you don't need "love" of the sort you're getting from your family of origin or your husband. They're using you and you're allowing it. Drop out of their lives and they'll find other people to use in two weeks. You're throwing your life away for NOTHING!!
Last edited by KaraZetterberg153; 12-28-2017 at 06:55 AM..
Ditch the train wreck that is your husband and family, change your name and move to a city with good public transportation. Seriously. You are dealing with far too much and you can't save your husband, mother or brother. That sounds hard-hearted, I know, especially given your mother's situation, but we had a thread on how you need to take care of yourself first recently. You've never really had a chance to have your own life. You need to get yourself set up in a secure situation and only then should you think about helping your mother, though I wouldn't blame you if you just washed your hands of her completely. And right now, any help you provide is only enabling your brother and husband in their self-destructive courses.
Save yourself, then see if you should go back to help out anyone else.
You are the scapegoat. There is a reason the word scapegoat exists. In dysfunctional families there HAS to be a scapegoat and even in functional families there is often one. It is part of group dynamics. The scapegoat is dependable and unselfish. They know they can dump everything on it and they do.
You are the scapegoat. There is a reason the word scapegoat exists. In dysfunctional families there HAS to be a scapegoat and even in functional families there is often one. It is part of group dynamics. The scapegoat is dependable and unselfish. They know they can dump everything on it and they do.
What she said!! A lot has to do with modeling. If you don't have a model of a self-determined, self-respecting person, it's kind of tough coming up with it on your own. This is what a good therapist will do for you: they will re-parent you, since your actual parents did such a p--*** poor job. And IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
Ditch the train wreck that is your husband and family, change your name and move to a city with good public transportation. Seriously. You are dealing with far too much and you can't save your husband, mother or brother. That sounds hard-hearted, I know, especially given your mother's situation, but we had a thread on how you need to take care of yourself first recently. You've never really had a chance to have your own life. You need to get yourself set up in a secure situation and only then should you think about helping your mother, though I wouldn't blame you if you just washed your hands of her completely. And right now, any help you provide is only enabling your brother and husband in their self-destructive courses.
Save yourself, then see if you should go back to help out anyone else.
What he said, too!!! Please don't throw your life away on people who do not care for you. Sca-rew them. Seriously. Somebody has installed guilt buttons with the sole purpose of controlling you for their own uses. Step away slowly and turn your back, then run like mad.
Ditch the train wreck that is your husband and family, change your name and move to a city with good public transportation.
Save yourself, then see if you should go back to help out anyone else.
This. Just say "no", OP. Leave the marriage, and file divorce papers (in that order). Whether you're aware of it or not, you suffered trauma growing up, that you haven't healed from. You need to stop your corner of the planet and get off for a good while, while you look for competent trauma-recovery help. There are therapists that specialize in that. You can't effectively help others, before you help yourself, and achieve the clarity about your family history that you need, and gain strength, instead of being drained of what strength you have left.
See a lawyer, get your own bank account, and fill it with your share of joint savings, and your paychecks, from now on. Get any kind of rental you can afford, even if only a studio at first.
She's kind of going to have to. She already sacrificed much of her childhood because her mother didn't prioritize keeping her children safe but was more concerned with keeping the family together. This is not the poster's problem. She needs to get her own life straight, and her mom is going to have to rely on public services and her own support network until that happens. This is the best time now while she's still in the early stages.
Mom's not going to jettison her son, and hubby is just going to blow their money on drugs. The OP needs to get out and away from these people for her own wellbeing. She has already been far too burdened with issues that never should have been her problem.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
