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I'm in my early 30s and I'm really struggling to come to terms with the idea of "adulting", or living in life as an adult and maintaining traditional adult responsibilities like work, paying bills, family and domestic responsibilities, and everything else. It's especially ironic for me because I had a great childhood with many close friends, but I was always so excited to grow up. Since my twenties though I've been miserable! Every year that goes by I hope I'll come more to terms with my current situation as a grown-up in this world, but instead I tend to just miss my childhood and the freedom that came with it all the more!
Perhaps it's just me. Lack of free time is the biggest issue for me. More than anything I can't stand that I simply have no time to do anything these days, and haven't since my teens. It's a constant rush of my work, family, chores/errands, cleaning, cooking, maintaining the house/yard, appointments, etc etc etc. On any given day I usually only have about 2 hours truly to myself, the other 14 or so are literally all taken up with adult responsibilities.
Any thoughts on this? Have you all reached an age where things seemed to get better/easier as an adult. What steps could I take to stop longing for my past and childhood and start enjoying the present?
Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like you were spoiled a little bit.
I probably come from a different background where constantly being busy helping out was the norm.
Military parents and grandparents. Southerner. Black. Male. Late-20's.
From that perspective, we're in the same time line.
Though, I consider the sacrifices of my kin, parents, friends and good times and it all seems better.
A positive outlook regardless of the negatives helps A LOT.
Also, pot helps.... Haha...
But really, if it's more time you need consider what you're doing. Write that **** down.
Strike out the stuff you don't want to or need to do.
Take some time and really just plan your day out and stick to it.
I've got a full-time job, cook and clean my house (I love cooking), and am regularly busy assisting friends and family emotionally and physically. You get used to it.
Maybe your problem is that you're been so used to being an individual that you haven't really ever gotten used to sacrificing your time for others.
I was born into that and I could see that being abnormal for anyone who isn't used to that.
Maybe you'd benefit from making it the norm? Be selfish in a selfless way?
That way, that becomes the norm and time to yourself becomes the icing on the cake.
I kinda went through that phase when I was 21.
Then I just got more interested in community, urban planning and social things.
I'm in my early 30s and I'm really struggling to come to terms with the idea of "adulting", or living in life as an adult and maintaining traditional adult responsibilities like work, paying bills, family and domestic responsibilities, and everything else. It's especially ironic for me because I had a great childhood with many close friends, but I was always so excited to grow up. Since my twenties though I've been miserable! Every year that goes by I hope I'll come more to terms with my current situation as a grown-up in this world, but instead I tend to just miss my childhood and the freedom that came with it all the more!
Perhaps it's just me. Lack of free time is the biggest issue for me. More than anything I can't stand that I simply have no time to do anything these days, and haven't since my teens. It's a constant rush of my work, family, chores/errands, cleaning, cooking, maintaining the house/yard, appointments, etc etc etc. On any given day I usually only have about 2 hours truly to myself, the other 14 or so are literally all taken up with adult responsibilities.
Any thoughts on this? Have you all reached an age where things seemed to get better/easier as an adult. What steps could I take to stop longing for my past and childhood and start enjoying the present?
What would you do if you had more time?
Here is how you get more out of it:
-make a list of the errands and combine them.
-don't cook every day, cook enough to last a few days
- get rid of the house with the yard - get an apartment with no chores
- make appointment for during lunchtime.
- clean Thursdays after work and you'll have the whole wekend without chores.
- you don't need to see/talk to family all the time. Call them on your way home from work.
Clarification needed. You're in your early 30's, but you already have your own family to look after? You have kids, at this stage? If so, that was your choice. Many people your age have hours of free time every day, after work, unless they're putting in intensive time building a career.
The domestic chores can be done on a weekend morning, once/week. Or Thurs. evening, as someone suggested. Paying bills takes about half an hour, once or twice a month. Errands, a couple of hours on a Saturday. The rest of the time, you should be free to enjoy after-work sports at the park, filmgoing, dance nights, hanging out with friends, concerts, plus recreation all day Sundays, and part of Saturday. This is as good as it gets, OP, if you don't have kids! Once you have kids, then you really do have a lot of obligations, so enjoy your freedom while you have it. Figure out your time management strategy, and go for it!
It's too bad you've lost so many years of enjoyment of your current freedoms: an entire decade, blown. Don't waste any more time. You can't get that decade back, and soon, if you're not careful, your 30's will blow by, too. Organize your time, be disciplined about chores, so you can get them out of the way efficiently, and enjoy the free time that gives you, before you find yourself with midnight feedings depriving you of sleep, trying to figure out how to juggle childcare with your job, bills, and the rest of it.
Did you have helicopter parents, by any chance, who made your life really easy for you, and maybe over-protected you? Just wondering.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 02-21-2018 at 04:26 PM..
Thankfully I had a very level headed and realistic mom.
When I was around 9 I asked to buy something and she said she didn't have money to give me. I said, "But you have checks."
Well, that opened the door and she asked if I'd like to know how "checks" work. . . of course I was curious and she patiently explained how a checking account works. A great eye opener for me and gave me a more realistic outlook.
When I was around 14 and irritated about "who knows what" back then, I exclaimed that I was moving out! She, again using good common sense, said, "Okay honey. Where will you live?"
I said I would rent a place. . . .well, another door opened and she calmly took out a piece of paper and said she'd help me budget for my new place.
Didn't take long after she wrote down rent; utilities; food; etc., etc., that I decided moving out wasn't such a great idea.
The point of my rambling is that my mom was instrumental in painting a picture to give a glimpse of adulthood so by the time I was 18 I wasn't terrified of moving forward into the unknown.
To this day I thank her for not just being a good parent, but for also being a teacher, a leader, a counselor and a friend.
Adding more details... was initially going to do this in my OP but didn't want to bloat the post. Now too late to edit my post so I'll add down here.
Overall, things have felt like this massive grind. Came from a lower middle class family. Wouldn't say my family spoiled me, but I can't complain about my childhood at all. Always had food on the table and a home, and got a few personal items/gifts during the year. Nothing compared to the wealthier kids I grew up, but I mean, I was happy. I had a really great group of friends growing up which helped a lot as well, especially for someone introverted like me. It was nice to feel like part of a group. Unfortunately, my parents went through a nasty divorce in my early twenties that left them both homeless for awhile or living with their parents (my grandparents) (I was in college). They basically lost everything. Home was taken back by the bank, they blew any savings they had in the midst of their frustration with the divorce, they are both in their mid 50s and have literally no retirement now which scares the heck out of me.
Since then, I've kind of been on my own having to "make it work". That meant working full-time while also going to college full-time, then trying to move up the ladder in soul crushing business jobs after graduation, then going back to college again for a second degree and master's since I felt a career change was best (and it was, but damn was that hard). Definitely fully on my own without anyone to really reach out to for help. Almost went homeless once when wife and I both got laid off after relocating to a new area and couldn't find new work. We were only saved literally last minute with about $200 bucks to our name by her parents who offered that we could move cross country to live with them for a bit. If we didn't have that, we would have had to go on the the streets for a bit so I'm grateful they were able to support us since my family couldn't.
I also am married with a wonderful supportive spouse, and have one kid who is wonderful and also the most energetic being I've ever seen. High maintenance baby/toddler! And yea, it's been a grind. I've been in and out of work over the years because of layoffs, but generally have always held a full-time job that afforded us a comfortable living but would take away 50 hours or so of my week, maybe a little more with certain commutes and what not. Outside of work hours though, it was helping take care of my kid, or taking care of any other adult responsibilities. Shopping for groceries, running errands, cooking and cleaning, home or lawn maintenance, going to appointments, paying bills or resolving account issues and other tedious crap. Like I said in OP, I probably have only had about 2 hours to myself per day on average over the past 10 years, maybe a bit more on the weekend. Usually the weekend so much time is spent cleaning, cooking, and taking care of chores/errands! I get why people pay people to do a lot of these things!!!! (cleaners, cooks, lawn care, etc)
So it's a time thing for me. What would I do with more time? A TON! I used to do so many things as a teenager (and kid). I played and wrote music. I wrote blogs and stories. I worked out a ton, was even into bodybuilding for a few years. I played sports. I hung out with friends. I played a good amount of video games and I read a lot of books. I surfed the internet and chatted with friends online. I ran some small part-time businesses (Ebay reselling was one and lawn cutting/snow removal was another). Many days I would fit many of these activities into a single day! Now as an adult, I've given most up. I simply don't have the time. I've picked up some new interests like gardening and starting my own businesses that I never have time to earnestly pursue. The few hobbies I've hung on too I've had to accept only working on them a couple hours every few days instead of many hours almost every day. That's what bothers me the most. I get up, get ready for work, go to work, come home, do some family time and chores, and it's basically time for bed. The things I loved I don't really have the time to do.
I've talked with others in person and they keep telling me that things get better in your thirties and especially 40s as you begin to earn more money, find more rewarding work, the kids get older, and you generally have a better sense of things in general, but I feel like I'm off to a slow start!
If you get two hours to yourself every day with a long commute, parental responsibilities and work demands, then I’d say you are doing OK. I do remember feeling spread too thin, but not so much until my forties, when my kids were involved in activities I had to play a supporting part in.
So many times I stayed up late reading when the house was quiet, just to have time to myself.
Take turns with your wife taking breaks from family responsibilites. For you, as an introvert, I think you should give yourself several hours if pursuing something you are interested in. But, you need to take a turn taking on major responsibility so she can have same.
Streamline your house upkeep. If you can afford it, hire a house cleaner.
Find a good sitter, and take your wife out. Do this twice a month.
Take vacations! When you have a holiday, do something you want to do.
Begin to involve your child in your interests, so you both can be involved.
In other words, find ways to give yourself some time for yourself. But, honestly, we did not get too much me time until our three kids left home! So I do remember how jealous I was of my spare time.
You can get through this.
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