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I’ve posted before about my narcissistic needy parents. The relationship has been extremely rocky for years with tons of drama, hostility on their part, guilting about poor cold treatment of them, and needing counseling for my family to eventually deal with this. They even tried to turn our kids against us by bad mouthing us! They have a Rolodex of prior petty grudges and mistreatment’s that has no end. Some of which are downright lies and exaggerations.
They did raise a successful son (at least on the surface) and they strongly feel like I owe them and should be a doting type son. But it seems like a moving target all the time. They expect me to anticipate what they need all the time. They claim I owe them the world and am obligated to them. They are toxic and cold but don’t think the rules apply to them. They think that because they’re old I need to cut them slack.
I’m wondering if you guys feel that a successful child owes their parents or is somehow obligated to them no matter their behavior or treatment of my family? Do you guys think that seeing children grow up into successful adults is the ultimate goal of every parent and that a good outcome is enough? They want me to change, but is there ever an excuse for this type of behavior even if they are angry? Thanks.
Last edited by rocky12345; 07-21-2018 at 09:35 AM..
I child may "owe" parents help in their old age, to some extent. Maybe. But what your parents are demanding is not at all realistic. Their demands are the result of their mental illness, their Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They're not normal demands. In fact, generally, parents who are healthy and stable don't make demands of their children at all. It's not normal to expect one's children to "dote" on their parents. They sound emotionally parasitic.
You say you've gotten therapy on how to deal with this? You don't sound like you have. Maybe try a different therapist?
Also bear in mind that parents like this can be unpredictable, as far as any loyalty to you is concerned. Do not expect anything from them when they die. They could arrange to give everything to charity. You have to let go of any expectations, including basic love, in order to have peace of mind and emotional independence. Good luck, OP. Get some help, and eventually, you'll see your way clear of this quagmire.
When you love people ,particularly your parents,then the word obligation doesn’t exist. You either love them and appreciate them, care about them, enjoy spending time with them , want to help when needed or you cringe at every interaction.
As Ruth said healthy parents don’t make demands like your parents. I also think perhaps you need to find another therapist because you are not dealing with it if you need to ask and still struggle.
I child may "owe" parents help in their old age, to some extent. Maybe. But what your parents are demanding is not at all realistic. Their demands are the result of their mental illness, their Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They're not normal demands. In fact, generally, parents who are healthy and stable don't make demands of their children at all. It's not normal to expect one's children to "dote" on their parents. They sound emotionally parasitic.
You say you've gotten therapy on how to deal with this? You don't sound like you have. Maybe try a different therapist?
Just wanted to be sure you guys agree that they’re demands are not normal. We live in the same area, so in the past they had contact with our kids and us weekly. We invited them to numerous occasions. Just seems like all of this did not help the situation and they’re still miserable, constantly guilt me, and are cold and hostile. They want me to change and be a “warmer†not so distant son. Therapist has told us to set boundaries, do enough so that I could look myself in the mirror as far as contact with me and kids, let their toxicity bounce off me, etc.
it’s funny, but we did get a second opinion this year, and one of the first things out of the therapists mouth was: why do you need this relationship? Other than “obligation†to them, we don’t. We are not dependent on them for anything and don’t care about any inheritances. It makes it a bit more complicated as I am their only child and they are in their 70s.
I am successful, but there were some pretty hellish aspects to my childhood. My father is a narcissist, but the kind that is very protective of "his" people - the wife of his best friend (they all grew up together) once said to me "there are only four people your father REALLY cares about besides himself: you, me, my husband and my sister." He would cheerfully do terrible things to keep any of us safe and happy. It gave me a warped perspective on what love is for a long time, but I mostly had a secure and happy relationship with him. I knew that 99% of our conflicts were due to his issues rather than some defect in me. He has dementia now and I am cheerfully overseeing his care and the management of his properties. He's the reason I didn't off myself as a teenager, even though he was always kind of a horrible person with occasional flashes of generosity and goodness toward people outside his "sacred circle."
My mother is extremely narcissistic, but also manipulative with a tendency to lash out when challenged in any way. There's SOME kind of personality disorder going on, but who knows what it is? She refuses to see a therapist and we have kind of mutually (I guess that's the right word?) decided to go our own respective ways. She thinks I owe her EVERYTHING. Indeed, she really encouraged my education and spurred me to develop my strengths, but she also was emotionally abusive to a pretty severe degree - I've actually blocked a lot of it out, and every once in a while a new memory surfaces that I'd been suppressing for decades and just knocks the wind out of me. My successes in life are because of her, but her motivation was really that she wanted a child who would burnish her reputation, buy her expensive things and cater to her. I went to a top-tier school but was constantly being nudged to find myself a "rich" man to marry while I was there. She was frustrated by my shortcomings (unpolished, disorganized, shy and awkward) but refused to address the reasons for those shortcomings - instead she tried to bully me out of them and ended up making them worse. As I became an adult, she wanted me to be her best friend just like her other friends' relationships with their daughters. I just couldn't do it and she refused to respect the boundaries I set up. Sooo... no relationship.
I acknowledge that she helped to shape the life I have now, but at the same time she made normal things so much more difficult for me. Largely because of her (and a little because of my father), I do not emotionally trust anyone enough at 42 to have a functional romantic relationship. Kids have never been on the table really, though I used to say I wanted them. As I got older, my biggest fear was that I would turn into my own mother if I had kids. So I have a great job, wonderful friends, lovely pets and some very beloved hobbies/passions. But I live alone and can't conceive of the idea of being part of a couple, even though I occasionally give it a try. My life is very happy, but I think maybe if my mother had been less insane, it might have been very happy in a different way.
Sorry - I think I was rambling. But long story short: I don't owe either of my parents squat. What I "give" them in terms of my love and attention is given because I want to give it and because I take joy in the love I have in my life. My father is very much a source of joy (and aggravation) these days and I take care of him as I would anyone I cared about, while my mother is mostly a source of anxiety and stress and she no longer has a role in my life as a result.
Just wanted to be sure you guys agree that they’re demands are not normal. We live in the same area, so in the past they had contact with our kids and us weekly. We invited them to numerous occasions. Just seems like all of this did not help the situation and they’re still miserable, constantly guilt me, and are cold and hostile. They want me to change and be a “warmer” not so distant son. Therapist has told us to set boundaries, do enough so that I could look myself in the mirror as far as contact with me and kids, let their toxicity bounce off me, etc.
it’s funny, but we did get a second opinion this year, and one of the first things out of the therapists mouth was: why do you need this relationship? Other than “obligation” to them, we don’t. We are not dependent on them for anything and don’t care about any inheritances. It makes it a bit more complicated as I am their only child and they are in their 70s.
Thanks for this further info. It seems like the only effective boundaries you can set is by relocating out of their close vicinity.That might give you more peace of mind, and they wouldn't have easy access to your kids, either.
OP, this sounds very challenging and unpleasant. I don't envy you. Of all the cases of narcissistic parents I've heard of, and known personally, yours win the prize.
And it sounds like that second therapist would be the one to go with, for now.
To the OP. I am glad you do therapy for these issues.
I think you owe your parents love, and they owe you the same. When the love, which manifests itself in caring actions, is not present on one side, the relationship suffers. I think you got good advice about boundaries. I think limiting contact is fine.
Your parents developed a pattern with you that they will probably never be able to change. Once you accept that, you have a way to think about them. I am not sure if you would be comfortable ignoring them. I think if they can afford to take care of themselves, then you should not burden yourself. But you need to ask yourself if you really want to totally abandon them.
You are also in a long standing pattern of reacting to their words in a negative way. See if you break that pattern when you do have to have (minimal) contact.
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