Anyone had success changing a negative or limiting core belief

[homina12]

Originally Posted by elyn02

Fear should be a temporary emotion that arises during a life or death situation. So it was important for me to know if you are afraid because that is a good starting point in changing negative, limiting thoughts. First, you have to accept that you are not in a life or death situation and to stop being afraid. Fear is not a state to be in;fear is a tool we use to save our lives.

More than likely you are worried which is often confused with fear. When we are in a constant state of worry, things were left undone or unsaid. This results in inaction. Here is what I mean by inaction: Not acting when we know somebody could use a little support. Perhaps we don't act because we believe what we have to offer wouldn't be good enough. Trust me, it is. Only the most selfish person would not appreciate your efforts and we have all experienced these selfish people. So don't avoid people because of those selfish few. Eventually, even those guys come around when they have pushed everyone away. Instead, interact. Positive interactions lead to connections. Connections lead to friendships. Friendships lead to committed relationships.

The good news is that you are acting on your worry by coming to city-data and getting advice. You are also receptive to different ideas. Everything you are doing right now is the start of positive interactions. You are doing the right thing. What more can you ask of yourself? Sure it's slow but it should be. It's not an emergency.



You are correct. Connections are important and having them is in our interests. But what is also in our interests is the starting point of connections. These are interactions but they don't always lead to close friendships or committed relationships. It's okay if the connections they form are temporary or few and far between. They need to be positive. Positive interactions are the gifts that keep on giving. We need more of them. We need more people like you who see the importance of connections.

I wish you well.

Thank you for the thoughtful response and for the well wishes. I appreciate it.

[homina12]

Originally Posted by ceiligrrl

i have had serious abuse issues in my life....... hard to talk about. needless to say, i grew up with little self esteem, despite the efforts of others in my life who constantly tried to make me realize how talented and lucky i was to have so many talents. didn't matter, all i ever focused on was the niggling "ants" inside my brain... (forget where i heard that term, it was on some PBS brain show, and "ants" were negative thoughts)

i went on to marry an abusive alcoholic, even gave birth to one..... no matter how many people came into my life, nothing anyone ever said to me seemed to make a bit a difference in the way I perceived myself. My biggest buggaboo has been my weight. I know i use it to keep people at bay, i never let anyone get close to me and i despise myself even more for being so gutless, such a wimp.

My depression and isolation got truly debilitating after I was assaulted, beaten, robbed and my car stolen by a gang of 13-15 year old girls. i didn't fight back. they were children. couldn't do it. but what destroyed me was the way the crowd watching it all go down, cheered, celebrated with each blow that landed... i was 62 years old, and for me, that was it. i knew i couldn't go on with life. I attempted suicide, drove my car off a highway overpass.... sheesh. i was still alive. go figure. couldn't even kill myself properly..... I then stayed inside my house for four years, never came out. never talked to neighbors, though they were taking turns mowing my lawn. No one stopped, everyone seemed to understand there was something terribly broken in me.

One night, at 3 a.m, i was in Walmart, which was the only time i could bear to navigate the world.... and for some reason struck up a conversation with a younger woman at the discount sales rack.... she had such kindly eyes, and soon, she had gotten a promise out of me to show up at the Farm where she worked with the chickens. Big city gal me, always loved animals, nature.... so i gave it a try. Pretty soon my whole life was the farm.... last summer, because the farm does have a working relationship with many agencies who have clients that for a variety reasons are marginalized, we were invited to a picnic at a center that worked with Down's Syndrome patients.... I don't know how, or why or even why me, but this one precious young man decided I was going to be his new friend..... and the way he latched onto me, and i onto him, was a miracle. He brought me to an awareness that just like him, I wasn't junk, I wasn't worthless that he loved me. loved my smile, we became fast friends. I often go and pick him up at his group home, we go to the movies, go shopping, go sleigh riding, just stuff, ordinary mundane stuff.

Because of this one precious soul, i have come to realize i am not worthless, that I may have lost everything in my life, all my talents, all my opportunities, but what truly matters is how we care for each other. This old geezer, who her whole life truly never had one good thing to say about me? Well, this week I had the guts to post a picture of me here, for the first time ever and to declare: I LIKE my smile!!! and last month, I adopted a severely abused little mini-schnauzer, she is so sweet, she is sitting right next to me, and her little paw keeps hitting the keyboard, dunno if she is trying to help me or just wants the constant touch of a loving person. i KNOW that feeling. i may not have anything, no riches, nothing to indicate a life well lived. but i have a sense of me. my worth. my ability to love and care for something again. it is more than enough to keep me going.

I'm glad you've gained this perspective, but I'm sorry for the path your life took leading to it. Good luck.

[homina12]

Originally Posted by Matt Marcinkiewicz

The problem is that these sorts of thoughts can often be true/accurate, at least partially. How does the seasoned CBT therapist deal with 'subjectively problematic beliefs' that just might happen to be a.) justified and b.) true? Pleasant delusion prized over harsh reality? (For the record, the epistemological consensus has long been that the definition of knowledge is 'justified true belief'...gotta love 'epistemological' getting the red underscore treatment here, by the way...)

ETA: Now that I read the rest of your post, I see you're of this mindset already--in which case, you may consider my questions rhetorical, hah

This is really where I started. I added more personal examples to aid the discussion, but I think my problem and possible misunderstanding came from the apparent assumption that limiting beliefs are by definition false, because they're limiting. Some people seem to think that way, but the concept does seem to apply in a lot of instances. That I've gathered a little more evidence here, thought about it, and updated my view at least a bit is an example.

I guess it only makes sense to take the most flexible, option preserving, and self image enhancing view of our circumstances and what we think our circumstances mean in our lives as we can, while still feeling like we're being honest with ourselves. It takes energy to rethink beliefs, but probably about as much as clinging to them uncritically.

So, thanks for the feedback

[michael917]

I haven't read the entire thread, so I apologize if I'm repeating what others have said...

I've become very knowledgeable about this topic over the years. Those who've already suggested that you repeat new ideas over and over if you want to believe them are correct, but there are certain things to keep in mind to make it work.

First, you won't start to believe a new idea after just a few days of saying it. Consider that your negative beliefs are so hard-wired because you're repeated them over and over for your entire life. Your new beliefs won't come quickly either, but they will over time.

The other thing to keep in mind is that if, as you say, these new beliefs seem impossible to accept, you need to change the way you say them. Keep paraphrasing the new thoughts until they make sense to you. One of the things I like about this type of therapy is that it's adaptable to each person.

Hope this helps.