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I've always wondered this, It seems like with many other skills (language skills, study skills), I know people who have severely lacked in those areas and improved themselves. I know people who didn't speak a word of English and learned English as well as changed their accent. People who were thought of as "dumb" improving their grades on going on to good universities.
Yet it seems that those with poor social skills in particular concerning dating, are unable to solve the issue even if they know the problem. Why is this?
Could it be the fact that there's no decent feedback on what the actual problem is? It's hard to work on improving when no one tells you anything. As well perhaps is that it's a complex issue and perhaps poor social skills are a symptom of something big rather than the problem
I've always wondered this, It seems like with many other skills (language skills, study skills), I know people who have severely lacked in those areas and improved themselves. I know people who didn't speak a word of English and learned English as well as changed their accent. People who were thought of as "dumb" improving their grades on going on to good universities.
Yet it seems that those with poor social skills in particular concerning dating, are unable to solve the issue even if they know the problem. Why is this?
Could it be the fact that there's no decent feedback on what the actual problem is? It's hard to work on improving when no one tells you anything. As well perhaps is that it's a complex issue and perhaps poor social skills are a symptom of something big rather than the problem
The skills you mentioned (language, study, etc) can be addressed using logic and reason. Often these are easier for people because they don't involve as much emotion. It's harder to control emotional responses. What might work in one situation won't in another because every person involved is different.
I have considered this, too, especially as a heavy contributor on the Relationships forum here.
For one thing, being able to make use of constructive feedback about how others perceive you socially, requires a certain emotional intelligence to begin with. And an ability to take it as feedback and not a personal attack.
Also, I think that a lot of the problems people exhibit in dealing with others, are things trained into them during childhood, when the people around us were setting the programming, the code, on how to interact with others. Breaking that code and figuring out how to rewrite it in a deliberate way, is not simple. It can be done, but the only success stories I know of involved major self-improvement, and it was the work of many years.
And then there is the fact that there's only so much useful information that I (for instance) can give to someone I only know on the internet. In order to give better feedback I'd have to meet someone in person to do it. And yet a hallmark of someone with social awkwardness is that they may not socialize a whole lot, so they might not be building connections with people who could be capable of helping them.
I wonder if it would be useful to set up a sort of coaching service. I have a slightly ridiculous number of friends who are doing "Life Coaching" these days, I wonder if "Social Coaching" would catch on, huh?
My former therapist once said to me, "You know, some of what this is is really about is teaching people skills that they missed somewhere along the line."
That made perfect sense to me. I have thought about this, too.
Most people to a different extent explore and develop their dating skills as teenagers, in high school. Some, however, don't get that chance. I think if your dating opportunities are delayed into your 20s or beyond, you've missed a window of basic learning about relationships. It's like being out of school sick for a year when arithmetic was taught. Everyone else already knows things that you missed, and even though you try to catch up while you moved forward, you are still uncertain about things that regular people don't even think about.
I have considered this, too, especially as a heavy contributor on the Relationships forum here.
For one thing, being able to make use of constructive feedback about how others perceive you socially, requires a certain emotional intelligence to begin with. And an ability to take it as feedback and not a personal attack.
Also, I think that a lot of the problems people exhibit in dealing with others, are things trained into them during childhood, when the people around us were setting the programming, the code, on how to interact with others. Breaking that code and figuring out how to rewrite it in a deliberate way, is not simple. It can be done, but the only success stories I know of involved major self-improvement, and it was the work of many years.
And then there is the fact that there's only so much useful information that I (for instance) can give to someone I only know on the internet. In order to give better feedback I'd have to meet someone in person to do it. And yet a hallmark of someone with social awkwardness is that they may not socialize a whole lot, so they might not be building connections with people who could be capable of helping them.
I wonder if it would be useful to set up a sort of coaching service. I have a slightly ridiculous number of friends who are doing "Life Coaching" these days, I wonder if "Social Coaching" would catch on, huh?
I like your post but I can't give you anymore reputation. Apparently I have liked some of your posts elsewhere. I don't generally look at the handles on the posts so I don't know which ones they were.
I don't think there is a magic formula for dating, nor any formula at all.
Each two individuals react to each other in a unique way.
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