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Personally I'd just go ahead and make plans for what I would enjoy doing and then ask him if he'd like to join you. If he says no, go ahead and do it without him. If he asks why you didn't tell him earlier, just say that sense he hates making plans, you just made your own.
He will go along with most things. I often think if he comes with instructions, he works. Without them, chaos and inaction. I can see the relation with anxiety and responsibility, but I'm unclear how having someone willing to take 50% of the chore off your back if only you'll have a conversation with them makes him lose it.
He's also a foot dragger and seems to like doing things last minute. I HATE being stuck doing whatever at the last minute. So while I get everything you're all saying, I feel like we should take turns and I should at least be able to plan something some years so I'm happy, too.
I say this all the time...but it's what always pops in my head at things like this..."You can only change yourself."
Knowing that he will NOT have a conversation, and knowing that it ALWAYS leads to strife...there are things you can do to change it. Lots of things really.
1. Scale back the planning to what you can and are willing to do.
2. make plans with friends, and leave him out of it.
3. Tell him how it's going to be. You don't ask. You don't expect anything from him. You just do.
He is the way he is. You will always be frustrated and upset, hoping that THIS time, it'll be different. Change the narrative to suit yourself.
It's annoying, but nothing is wrong with someone who hates making plans. Think of something you hate doing, but your husband is okay with doing it. He'll think the same thing of you.
It's like asking why someone hates cleaning, cooking, scrapbooking, fixing things, gardening, playing sports, working on cars. They just do. It's just their personality. Everyone has things they like/hate to do.
NYC refugee, does your husband particularly dislike Christmas? just curious....
Or are you not certain? If he particularly dislikes Christmas (which is understandable to me, particularly when one is an adult), I think his lack of participation is understandable.
The only problem I could foresee is if you want to invite guests. How would he react if a few guests just showed up on Xmas eve for dinner, without you discussing it with him? What would happen if the doorbell rang, Billy and Jo just walked in, and you said, "Oh, I invited them by to celebrate with us! Eggnog, everyone?"
lolol! I was thinking the same thing! And not just one couple, but the entire gang of relatives! I guess neither the OP's sibs and parents, nor her husband's, have ever had big family holiday parties, held on a rotating basis among the adult relatives?
OP, I have a friend who's always been allergic to planning beyond just a general vague concept, like, "Let's travel to X for school break". But to actually look up bus schedules, and make a reservation anywhere? She'd freak out. We had to just get up, have breakfast, and then take whatever bus was available next, whenever it might be available, as we made our way toward our destination, with overnight stops along the way. We might have just missed one, and would be stuck waiting hours until the next one, but to ask the day before what the schedule was, for some reason was unthinkable.
Have you every discussed this odd phobia with him, sometime, when there was no planning to be done? This must go back to some family situation when he was a kid....??
My husband of 50 years has always left the planning of anything and everything to me. I am good at it, he is not and does not care to be. Sometimes I seek some input other times not. We live where we do now because I planned in advance to have a retirement home in a low cost of living area because I knew we could not make it otherwise.
I suggest the OP tell her husband that she will be making plans from now on and he can give input or not as he chooses. I also suggest she follow through on those plans.
What is wrong with someone who can't/won't make plans for anything, ever? If you even say the word "plan," my husband goes off his nut. He starts ranting and raving about how he's being attacked and I'm accusing him of something when all I want is to make a holiday plan. Any holiday or occasion. After decades of this, I gave it one last go this season and it ended up in the usual scenario, with him going on and on about - well, anything and everything he could think of to stay off the subject of making a holiday plan. And I don't want to go bungee jumping in New Zealand or anything, I just want to hang lights and put up a tree (or not) and plan dinner - in or out, and what to eat. I feel embarrassed when people ask me what I'm doing for the holidays. Years ago I came to the conclusion that this is completely abnormal, but this year is the absolute end. We're not having a holiday, which makes me unhappy, but I refuse to fight anymore and I refuse to cave in to whatever last minute idea he pulls out of nowhere.
We have no family nearby, so it's not like there's anyone else to disappoint, but I'm disappointed.
I got one just like yours.....once I compose myself I'll try to reply but this stuff gets me off on a rant!
He will go along with most things. I often think if he comes with instructions, he works. Without them, chaos and inaction. I can see the relation with anxiety and responsibility, but I'm unclear how having someone willing to take 50% of the chore off your back if only you'll have a conversation with them makes him lose it.
He's also a foot dragger and seems to like doing things last minute. I HATE being stuck doing whatever at the last minute. So while I get everything you're all saying, I feel like we should take turns and I should at least be able to plan something some years so I'm happy, too.
Maybe you should just make the plan without him and then a few days before tell him you two are going to have people over for dinner or something. I don't see why you feel the need to in a way 'get his approval' in order to decorate the house for the holidays. I would (and DO) just do it.
Some people don't want to be involved in all the nitty-gritty details of holiday party planning or whatnot. I can see how that could give someone anxiety. Now if he's being a party-pooper and acting miserable while you have guests over, throwing a tantrum about guests coming over, or is being miserable while you're celebrating at someone else's house then I'd say tell him to stay home and entertain himself next time (or go out by himself).
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