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Here's my problem. I'm a grown man in the later half of my 30's. I've had mostly good relationships in my life, and my overall situation should, I believe, on paper, land me with some level of
confidence in my ability to meet women.
I guess the insecurity might be built in from my younger years, when I was absolutely invisible to girls my age, until things finally started moving. Point is, I'm not confident on that front at all. I can look confident, but I'm not. Every time I experience rejection, I am filled with the fear that this might be it for me.
I get anxious, I sleep poorly, I feel lonely. Overall, I really don't enjoy singlehood. Not because I don't like having more time to myself but because to me it feels like I'm swimming in open waters with no land in sight. And my first priority should be to find some freagin land. It's overwhelming.
I don't know how to get rid of that feeling. I've tried, I've pushed myself to remain single for a longer time, done therapy. Still, to this day, I remain extremely fragile on that front.
I have been lucky enough, I suppose, that I always I ended up in relationships with women I really loved, not women I had committed to solely by fear of being alone. Until recently, when I believe I may have done exactly that. And I feel terrible about it.
Does anyone here have experience with this kind of issues and how did you deal with it?
Or do you rely solely on a romantic partner for socializing and validation?
It's rarely a good idea to have just one person to relate to or receive validation from.
What about family, are you close to parents or siblings?
Do you have interests and activities?
If yes to the above, great. Continue to be open to a relationship while maintaining activities with friends and family.
By the time a person is in their middle twenties debilitating fear of rejection should have moderated considerably.
By the mid thirties life has usually given us enough experience to have toughened us up. We've experienced a few setbacks and realized we can survive. Remaining extremely fragile in the area of relationships is immature at that age.
Anxiety can be treated, it doesn't sound like you've received proper treatment yet. Perhaps a new referral might be in order.
First, you have to realize that you are not the only person on the planet who is insecure. If you aren't a least a little insecure, there is something wrong with you.
For an example, there was a woman I used to work with. Everybody liked her, but most people didn't like working with her. But there were a few of us who knew how to deal with her quirks and really enjoyed working with her. She was personable, smart and drop dead gorgeous. One day she was out. I asked why. She was getting a nose job! Had I not known, I would not have noticed. She was drop dead gorgeous before and drop dead gorgeous afterwards. A few years later when no longer working there I was talking with a former co-worker who said the woman had been engaged 4 times. Each time the guy dropped her. So even someone who had nearly everything going for her could be insecure and pick guys who didn't know how to deal with her quirks.
The reality is that most people will not be compatible. So relationships won't always work out. So that is the way to think about rejection. With dates, either she wants to go out with you or she doesn't, whatever. With relationships, know that a lot don't work out. Nearly half of marriages don't even work out.
So you have to let go of the idea that your issues are somehow unique. And let go of the idea that every encounter is REALLY important. Relationships are a numbers game. There's no guarantee it ever happens for you. But you have to keep trying to keep it a possibility.
If being rational about it won't work, find a different therapist. Maybe there's a root cause beyond your younger dating difficulties that causes you to be so nervous you lose sleep over it.
Finding ways to be okay with rejection and finding ways to move on immediately tend to be helpful.
Being rejected or even rejecting yourself is not necessarily anyone's "fault."
Some things just don't work out.
I personally try to sense if someone might be worth staying and building a friendship with if they give off the same vibes. Most don't. If benefits are your thing too, that is something to consider.
If neither of those are in the cards, then delete contact information and social media contact and move on. I don't block as I still let the other person contact me, but if they do, they have to be wiling to tell me who they are and no more starting over. Either take things to the next level immediately if you get re-contacted and both sides seem interested or move on.
Here's my problem. I'm a grown man in the later half of my 30's. I've had mostly good relationships in my life, and my overall situation should, I believe, on paper, land me with some level of
confidence in my ability to meet women.
I guess the insecurity might be built in from my younger years, when I was absolutely invisible to girls my age, until things finally started moving. Point is, I'm not confident on that front at all. I can look confident, but I'm not. Every time I experience rejection, I am filled with the fear that this might be it for me.
I get anxious, I sleep poorly, I feel lonely. Overall, I really don't enjoy singlehood. Not because I don't like having more time to myself but because to me it feels like I'm swimming in open waters with no land in sight. And my first priority should be to find some freagin land. It's overwhelming.
I don't know how to get rid of that feeling. I've tried, I've pushed myself to remain single for a longer time, done therapy. Still, to this day, I remain extremely fragile on that front.
I have been lucky enough, I suppose, that I always I ended up in relationships with women I really loved, not women I had committed to solely by fear of being alone. Until recently, when I believe I may have done exactly that. And I feel terrible about it.
Does anyone here have experience with this kind of issues and how did you deal with it?
I did. For many years. I was invisible to men for a long time until it changed. My self healing for loneliness was:
more
- friends
- hobbies
- dog
And I faked it until I made it. Then I became so adjusted to being alone that I caught myself on a Sunday evening realizing that I have not talked to anyone other than my dog since Friday. I enjoyed reading a book more than going on dates and considered staying single forever because I did not want to make any compromises or less time for my hobbies. I became annoyed when "I had to go on a date" and it messed up my workout routine at the gym.
I suggest to you to fill your life with things you care. Then a relationship becomes optional and not mandatory. That's a much healthier view and way less desperate.
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