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Hey everyone, it's been a while! I hope you're all well. I came across this video earlier today and thought the subject was interesting and actually helped me to understand a lot about myself and how I see people. This something I had been struggling with without realizing it and something that many people probably do without realizing it. If you have time to watch, I think many of you would find this video interesting!
- 0:47 Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts and/or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated. Limerence can also be defined as an involuntary state of intense desire. Similar to a crush but way more obsessive, particularly over the fantasy vs. the actual person. Being more attached to an idea than an actual person. Causing you to prioritize the fantasy over your real interactions with this person. This overwhelms the ability to have a genuine connection with someone and effectively pull you out of genuine real time moments with the actual person.
-4:03 Limerence vs. Sexual Attraction
When you are limerent vs genuinely sexually attracted to someone, you may be misinterpreting it as being sexually attracted to them. You may think about them wanting you and sleeping with them, however, you're fantasizing about them and it's almost like watching a movie in your head. However, sexual attraction is a feeling moreso in the body and it does not feel anxious. Limerence can make you feel anxious rather than relaxed and it is difficult to genuinely experience real sexual attraction in a nervous or anxious state (I.E. fight or flight mode.) Many people probably fantasize about the person they're sleeping with WHILE they're sleeping with them. Causing them to dissociate physically. That is not being present in the moment, it may actually be limerence.
-10:18 Living with Limerence
She discusses a book titled Living with Limerence. Limerence can be your brains way of subconsciously trying to fulfill a need it's craving. For example, the woman video describes how she was creating an air of limerence around someone she barely knew because of a subconscious craving of needing to feel protected so she can actually relax for once. She created this idea that this person new everything, was superior to her and who can therefore take care of everything. This subconsciously allowed her to relax and feel taken care of since she is so used to taking care of everyone else. Taking the person off the pedestal made her anxious and that is how she knew she was limerent, rather than genuinely connected to the person.
-18:47 How to get over limerence
By not hanging on to resentment or hanging on to appreciation. We need to learn to take moments for what they are "moments" and moving on without any expectation for those moments to continue with that person. For example: Let's say you hang out with a friend and enjoy your time with that friend. You may subconsciously create an expectation that you'll always have moments like that with that friend and they will always be there. Which is unfair because people are people and life happens. If you don't have said interaction with that friend again you may become angry or irritated because they are not fulfilling that expectation. Express your appreciation verbally and practice effective communication with the person instead of running off with this story in your head about them and expecting them to read your mind.
-28:30 Recognize your REAL relationship with someone
Learn to let go of the story and expectations you have for a particular someone in order to stay present in the moment with them. Some ways you know you may be effectively connecting: by being in tuned with how your body feels, you are physically with them in their presence, they verbally tell you they feel connected with them.
It may be difficult to follow initially, but the information is really valuable if you think about it. This can apply to many relationships, not just romantic.
Nice!
Sometimes the fantasy is more enjoyable than the reality. Sort of like living vignettes of one's own choosing.
The duality of humanity, consciousness, and synaptic creativity i.e. "visualization/fantasy" IMO will lead to growth in future techno romance with pleasure bots as many prefer to avoid the radical honesty.
I think I tried to talk about this concept once on this forum but didn't really get the message across. I didn't know it had a name! We are susceptible to fantasy. Some more than others.
I imagine in small doses it could be a positive thing especially in formative years. I can also see how it could become a distracting habit that could lead to serious life consequences, a replacement for taking risks in real life, a way to deny our truth.
It's a good thing to have a conscious awareness that you have these experiences I think. Of course, if you challenge their reality, it sort of ruins the purpose. I suppose that's what makes them potentially harmful.
We humans in modern culture zone out a lot, I've noticed. Maybe people in other places and times did also. There is a lot of everyday life perhaps we'd rather not deal with.
And a similar subject that isn't always romantic or self-induced is that the commercial world has studied carefully how to produce a trance-like state in shoppers that makes them more prone to parting with their money. They have to have this and that. Then they get home with their purchases and question why they bought it. It's like the reasoning part of our brain has been disengaged.
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