Still feel damaged by a previous relationship? Please don't date! (dating, wife)
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There's a lot of talk on this forum about being single, coming to terms with being single, and so forth. But no one really addresses the biggest reason people should stay single and/or not date, which is that they're still not over their last relationship.
I dated a few guys since my last break-up a little over a year ago, and I'll confess: I was not ready at all. Not by a long-shot. I found myself mistrustful, suspicious and angry. When I found myself wanting to take that out on the next person, or feeling the need to "use" someone as a buffer for my pain, I knew that I had to back away and breathe a little more. But moreover, I just didn't want to date, period.
Similarly, I've gone out with a lot of men who are not over their last ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, ex-fiancee or whatever. I went out with a guy briefly who was still in therapy two years after a break-up. I don't know what happened there, but he should not have been dating. I've gone out with men who'd only been divorced for two, three months. There's no way that they're over their last marriage, just no way.
During the past year, I've often had to defend myself for not dating anyone--or rather, dating infrequently. I've had a lot of interest, but it would have been unfair to put myself out there and set some poor guy up for FAIL. It wasn't until the year mark (July of this year) that I found that I'm actively interested insofar that I'm emotionally available and feel as though I've regrouped. Turns out, I made the wise choice; there's a guy I've known as a colleague for two + years who I'm able to look at with new eyes.
I do wish that this was recognized as a valid reason for not dating or getting involved. Some of the comments posters have made about singles are way off the mark. Many of us just don't want to involve other people in our lives during a recovery period. How does everyone else feel about this? Is it really fair to even date casually when you know you're not ready to get involved?
Everyone is different in recovering from bad relationships....but the worst thing you can do..is waste more of your life trying to get over them..they don't deserve to take up that space in your head.
i agree with Virgode ..absolutely right ma'm !! .. i've been through such and probably we all have at some point in life .. but its always better to look at the brighter side of the great divide ..u know what i mean .. i've become kind of numb .. its not that i take relationships with granted but such is life and u gotta face the reality ..someone is with you for whatever reasons thats when expectations run high .. so my advice is to simply go with the flow .. everything happens for a reason and it usually turns out to be good .. so why worry and make a fuss of it .. just relax and dont think too much .. let the world think whatever .. u know who u are ..so dont lose yourself .. dont listen to eminem ! he's addictive lol
It is recognized. And good for you for taking your time.
Like Virgode said, different people recover differently. I don't think it is unfair to date casually as long as you're honest about keeping it casual. Sometimes, it's good to have someone to help you get back to enjoying yourself. I'm not talking about rebound. I mean a nice guy/gal who understands your situation and is willing to be both a friend and a lover. There are plenty of people who aren't looking to tie someone down.
There's a lot of talk on this forum about being single, coming to terms with being single, and so forth. But no one really addresses the biggest reason people should stay single and/or not date, which is that they're still not over their last relationship.
Agreed but being an open forum, topics are created by the users, they content of the discussions is purely driven by the people.
I dated a few guys since my last break-up a little over a year ago, and I'll confess: I was not ready at all. Not by a long-shot. I found myself mistrustful, suspicious and angry. When I found myself wanting to take that out on the next person, or feeling the need to "use" someone as a buffer for my pain, I knew that I had to back away and breathe a little more. But moreover, I just didn't want to date, period.
So, by your own admittance, you are saying that you should not have been dating BUT did date anyway. Interesting. You kind of contradict yourself in saying that you dated but then you weren't ready and then following it up with "I just didn't want to date, period" so why would you put yourself out there when you obviously aren't ready?? (purely a rhetorical question)
Similarly, I've gone out with a lot of men who are not over their last ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, ex-fiancee or whatever. I went out with a guy briefly who was still in therapy two years after a break-up. I don't know what happened there, but he should not have been dating. I've gone out with men who'd only been divorced for two, three months. There's no way that they're over their last marriage, just no way.
Just a mere observation; but, when I was single, I spent quite a bit of time getting to know someone through emails and then phone calls but mostly email - enough so that I never ran into this problem, it sounds like you perhaps rush into meeting people and then find out details after the fact. The fact is that relationships do end. They are sometimes messy and heartbreaking but the point of taking your time when "dating" is to really get to know someone else and start to recognize red flags in their words or even actions.
During the past year, I've often had to defend myself for not dating anyone--or rather, dating infrequently. I've had a lot of interest, but it would have been unfair to put myself out there and set some poor guy up for FAIL. It wasn't until the year mark (July of this year) that I found that I'm actively interested insofar that I'm emotionally available and feel as though I've regrouped. Turns out, I made the wise choice; there's a guy I've known as a colleague for two + years who I'm able to look at with new eyes.
Ok, so a few observations here. You recognize that you are not really fit to date right now, emotionally that is. You recognize in yourself that perhaps you need some time to grow, figure things out, etc. Kudos. Second observation, you mentioned that you are having to "defend yourself for not dating". Says who? When we become adults the right of passage has a lot of meanings but most of all one of the perks of being an adult is that you are entitled to make your own decisions and NOT have to defend your actions or statements to anyone. Frankly, if someone is telling you that you need to find a man, then that person needs to be told to mind their own business.
You are halfway there in that you recognize you have some growing to do and you are taking the steps necessary to allow yourself to develop more emotionally but moreso, the only time you need to defend yourself is if someone is verbally attacking you or physically (obviously) over things that are really important. Your love life should be off limits to most. It's a very personal thing when we date, try to find someone who we are going to spend any quality amount of time with and to be honest, it's really no ones business but your own. People in your life be it friends or family are either going to be supportive or not. If they are not being supportive then you should give them less information to force their opinions onto. Right?
I do wish that this was recognized as a valid reason for not dating or getting involved. Some of the comments posters have made about singles are way off the mark. Many of us just don't want to involve other people in our lives during a recovery period. How does everyone else feel about this? Is it really fair to even date casually when you know you're not ready to get involved?
It is a recognized valid reason for not dating. Maybe you take things too personally (again,just a thought, nothing personal meant by it) lol It's fair to date casually when you have been completely honest UP front with the person you are allowing yourself to casually date. Key points need to be made to that person letting them know that it's a very casual situation, it's not going to amout to anything and you are not ready for a serious relationship but, you are simply looking for someone to spend occasional time with. I think you still crave SOME companionship but realize you can't fully commit yourself to the cause and as long as you are honest up front, it's perfectly fine.
It is recognized. And good for you for taking your time.
Like Virgode said, different people recover differently. I don't think it is unfair to date casually as long as you're honest about keeping it casual. Sometimes, it's good to have someone to help you get back to enjoying yourself. I'm not talking about rebound. I mean a nice guy/gal who understands your situation and is willing to be both a friend and a lover. There are plenty of people who aren't looking to tie someone down.
Too many people think that dating HAS to lead somewhere. Maybe people should change their requirements for dating versus potential relationships. I know my age range is more than double for dating. I don't think I would marry someone that is 15 years older or 30 years younger. But for dinner, movie, or whatever who cares. People have forgotten how to have fun. Dating is the one time to live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. As long as your honest with them, and yourself.
Too many people think that dating HAS to lead somewhere. Maybe people should change their requirements for dating versus potential relationships. I know my age range is more than double for dating. I don't think I would marry someone that is 15 years older or 30 years younger. But for dinner, movie, or whatever who cares. People have forgotten how to have fun. Dating is the one time to live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. As long as your honest with them, and yourself.
Too many people think that dating HAS to lead somewhere. Maybe people should change their requirements for dating versus potential relationships. I know my age range is more than double for dating. I don't think I would marry someone that is 15 years older or 30 years younger. But for dinner, movie, or whatever who cares. People have forgotten how to have fun. Dating is the one time to live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. As long as your honest with them, and yourself.
I totally agree with this...
You have to stop thinking "this guy could be the one."
Sheesh!!!
It takes alot of time to get to know someone.
If a guy doesn't call after the first date don't get your panties all in a bunch. Don't think of it as being a loss. You had fun...so did he. It's all about having fun like was mentioned.
I think that is why I didn't date. I wasn't good at the break up thingy and I didn't want the wimmens to think I was cheating just cause I wanted to spend time with another lady sometime during that month also.
I think you're expecting WAY too much if you want people to wait to date until they're no longer damaged by previous relationships. We don't live long enough to heal from some relationships. Consider the person in an abusive relationship. They likely will never completely heal from it, because it changes a person. Heck, most all relationships change us one way or another. I was with my first wife for 27 years. Even though we've been divorced for nearly 20 years, I'm still not the same person I would have been without her. Some of that is good, some not.
I'm of the opinion that the best way to recover from a past relationship is to jump into a new one. Granted, the new object of your affections should know the score, but if he/she is willing, go for it.
I agree totally with the OP...jumping in and out of relationships is not healthy...and might show your co-dependent, or so hungry for love, you end up hurting people with unreal expectations.
If you are not emotionally available, it doesn't do anyone any good.
I would suggest after a break up, you don't blame the guy, but do some self evaluation and find out why you setteled for and chose such a person? When you conclude that by being honest with yourself, you might find your not as hungry to be with someone, and realize, you don't have to be with someone to be successful.
I would also suggest counseling, as part of your healing process and to learn to do things alone and enjoy the company you keep.
when you learn to love yourself, you regain your identity....you become confident, and know what you want....then, you will look for someone who is not only mentally challenging, but mentally compatible....
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