Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I would get her to work and get her into counseling, she needs to be taking medication. if she does not want to take meds or counseling then she is actively not trying to resolve her anger issues. if she doesn't want to that there is no help for her. you either accept that way of life for you and what effect it will have on your children or you don't. she is either an active participant in becoming a person she should be for herself and her family or she is too selfish to bother. she can either change or not, unfortunately that is up to her and her alone. If it were me I would make sure my spouse knew this would be a deal breaker for me. give them a specific time table to change, if change isn't forthcoming and I couldn't live like that I would have to leave and start a new life
buy her a punching bag, really, and talk to her. as for the last advice, dont even go there.....this is your wife who you should help, and next time she throws a fit, try to record it, without her knowing of corse.maybe if you show her how she looks she might not want to be so ugly...i was raised in a functional disfunctional family as well and i cannot stand that type of anger.my firstborn thought this was how to express his anger as well, so i bought that punching bag from big 5 for him to beat on. i hung it right outside our back door...i recorded him freaking out once, not visiual, just voices on my cell phone, and let him hear it a couple days later,who wants to be ugly?.....and after a couple of raw knuckles,i think he got it......
You can only lead a horse to water...if it won't drink there will be consequences
He took her to the doctor. She doesn't want medication because she's "afraid" of it. What she ought to be MORE afraid of is what she is doing to her children thru her outlandish behavior.
Since she is obviously encapable of putting her childrens best interests first (because she's either too mentally unstable or just plain self-centered), HE needs to step up and put his foot down with her. Like Hopes said, there have got to be boundries to acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Being mentally ill is possibly HER excuse for damaging their kids, but what's HIS excuse for letting it happen??
I am thinking of recommending that she go back to work because a lot of these issues did not surface when she was working.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305
Might not be a bad idea.
I agree. It's a great idea. She might need therapy and medication to get herself to the point of job hunting, but working does help many people. It provides a break from daily stresses. Even though work can have stress too, it's nice to move between stresses and home and stresses at work. Being home with children can be isolating too. Even working part time could make a huge difference.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hothulamaui
If it were me I would make sure my spouse knew this would be a deal breaker for me. give them a specific time table to change, if change isn't forthcoming and I couldn't live like that I would have to leave and start a new life
Totally understand. She needs to know that she MUST be actively working towards becoming healthy. Time for excuses is over. No more enabling.
a spouse should try to help solve the problem FIRST, not head straight for divorce. People should try to fix their problems not bail at the first sign of trouble.
I didn't suggest divorce. I specifically said to seek help BUT protecting those kids has to be priority #1.
Do you not remember this family?
I'll jog your memory. Mom suffers from depression....it gets worse after the kids are born. She doesn't take medication. Hubby does everything else he can but one day SHE DROWNS ALL 5 OF HER CHILDREN IN THE BATHTUB (one not shown in photo).
Granted, it is an extreme case but as I said earlier, OP has NO IDEA what his wife is doing when he isn't home. By not protecting his children he is WORSE than his wife (assuming she is mentally ill). it's not about bailing on his wife or his vows, it's about protecting his kids from a woman who he doesn't want to be around because of her violent, angry outbursts. How is it that the children should be around her when HE won't? I don't see how that's hard to understand.
I didn't suggest divorce. I specifically said to seek help BUT protecting those kids has to be priority #1.
Do you not remember this family?
I'll jog your memory. Mom suffers from depression....it gets worse after the kids are born. She doesn't take medication. Hubby does everything else he can but one day SHE DROWNS ALL 5 OF HER CHILDREN IN THE BATHTUB (one not shown in photo).
Granted, it is an extreme case but as I said earlier, OP has NO IDEA what his wife is doing when he isn't home. By not protecting his children he is WORSE than his wife (assuming she is mentally ill). it's not about bailing on his wife or his vows, it's about protecting his kids from a woman who he doesn't want to be around because of her violent, angry outbursts. How is it that the children should be around her when HE won't? I don't see how that's hard to understand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
I think that's a bit of a leap from what the OP has shared.
Lots of people break a few dishes to let out steam.
That doesn't necessarily mean they're going to abuse their children.
It does mean they definitely need help managing their anxiety though.
Yes, protecting the kids is #1 priority of course, but I agree with hopes. The OP never indicated that she is abusing the kids.
I didn't say she IS abusing the kids. I said OP has no idea what she is or isn't doing when he isn't there. If her violent tantrums are more than he can bear they are certainly more than children should be expected to bear. She could throw something in a rage and unintentionally injure the kids. She could ball up her fist and aim for the wall and not even notice the kids around because she's not in control of herself.
And I don't know any normal person who throws dishes and things around the house to let off steam. Some people shop or garden or even yell and scream ( I clean the house, lol) but throw dishes and punch walls? No, lots of people don't do that.
If this was a MAN acting like this around his wife and young kids I predict you would agree that there is a potential for danger. It's not any different because the subject is a woman.
To OP, your wife sounds a lot like my wife. First, ignore the people who are posting pictures of Andrea Yates. If you feel your kids are in danger, obviously do something about it. But it doesn't sound as if that is the case. And ignore those who are saying "get rid of her". She's not a dog, she's someone you've committed your life to.
Staying at home with the kids is extremely difficult for some moms. They just don't have the personality for it and the frustrations that come with raising kids can cause them to lash out. I've seen it with my own eyes. You may just want to consider having your wife go back to work and put the kids in some type of daycare. But her issues do need to be addressed regardless of what you do.
My wife suffers from depression and there is a link between the depression and the anger. Be careful about going to see a psychiatrist about this. I think it's a good idea, but in my wife's case the dr. just loaded her up with Valium and while she was no longer angry she pretty much seemed high all day long. Personally, I would suggest counseling. Talking about it is critical. It sounds funny but your wife needs to understand that this is wrong. Sometimes they get so angry that they lose sight of what is acceptable behavior.
The biggest problem is that she is modeling behavior for your kids. I don't know if you posted their ages, but they will assume this is normal behavior and they will do the same thing. If they haven't hit tantrum age yet, then you are in for a really rough spell once they do because they will throw fits of their own on a daily basis. I've seen it first hand. And obviously, this only adds to your wife's frustrations.
Give her some time off whenever possible. Definitely encourage counseling and/or anger management. But definitely do something before your kids start doing the same thing...
I think that's a bit of a leap from what the OP has shared.
Lots of people break a few dishes to let out steam.
That doesn't necessarily mean they're going to abuse their children.
It does mean they definitely need help managing their anxiety though.
I agree with this.
You have to get at the root or cause of the anger and stress. Perhaps being a stay-at-home mom is a (or the) cause of the anger. Many moms are not cut out for it. That has an impact on the children, even if she is not abusing them. Having her go back to work IMO is a good first step.
Therapy, meds and lots of breaks for her are good subsequent steps. Again, JMO.
And I don't know any normal person who throws dishes and things around the house to let off steam. Some people shop or garden or even yell and scream ( I clean the house, lol) but throw dishes and punch walls? No, lots of people don't do that.
True. I was just thinking about my mother. She would do the dishes---loudly. She'd bang pots and dishes around. Rarely broke them. But sometimes one would chip. All I know is if my mother was doing dishes loudly, I go where I couldn't hear it---in my room, outside. She only did this a few times a year. I wasn't afraid of her. Not one bit.
I go shopping, bike riding, or take my dog to the park. I love to garden, but not when I'm mad. I need to go ANYWHERE but the house. If I stayed in the house, I'd probably do dishes LOUDLY or clean the bathroom LOUDLY. LOL We can't have that! Nobody wants to turn into their mother! LOL
But you should hear the door slam when I'm leaving the house.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
