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Here's the story: A couple of months ago, I was corresponding with a woman on-line. We met through a personal ad. We exchanged maybe a half-dozen e-mails, all of which were friendly/interesting. We then spoke on the phone and had a similarly friendly and relaxed conversation. Our e-mails and phone talk were enjoyable and seemed encouraging.
I suggested a meeting so we set up a time/place for the following day at a coffee shop close to where she works. About an hour before the scheduled time, she called and said something at work had come up and she couldn't make it. I understood and thanked her for calling. She did not suggest an alternate time or plan but simply apologized and left it at that.
Later, I did wonder if her excuse had been legitimate or if she had simply changed her mind about meeting. Who knows? Maybe she had even found someone else. I felt if she had been interested she likely would have suggested another time and place to meet but she didn't.
The next day, I received an e-mail from her apologizing once again for the cancellation. The final line she wrote is the reason for this post and which still rankles me to this day.
She wrote, and I quote, "Sorry again about missing you. The next time you make a date, I'll be sure to show up."
Why the hell was it up to me to make still ANOTHER date!? Since she's the one who cancelled the 1st time, shouldn't she take the next step in making the next arrangement?
Shouldn't these things really be shared equally by both people? Shouldn't she take at least part of the responsibility in getting this thing off the ground? I mean, we are adults here and not high school kids. I just felt she wanted to see how many hoops I would jump through and how many carrots she could dangle before I took the bait.
I sent her an e-mail along the lines of "yeah, too bad, maybe next time" and just left it at that. I determined I wouldn't set the next date and wanted to see what would happen.
Of course, nothing happened. I never heard from her again. Maybe she's still waiting for me to ask her out again, who knows? I was sick to death of the games though. We may have been a good match. We certainly got along well through e-mails and call. A man's got to draw the line somewhere though.
Anyway, I'd be interested in hearing from both men and women about this situation. How would you have handled it? Anyone have similar experiences?
I havent done online dating in a few years, but If I was in your shoes I would have just let it go. There are too many flaky people that are online. Have you met anyone else your interested in online? If I were you I wouldnt give up on finding someone.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,007,791 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by mandavaran
I would like women's input also.
Here's the story: A couple of months ago, I was corresponding with a woman on-line. We met through a personal ad. We exchanged maybe a half-dozen e-mails, all of which were friendly/interesting. We then spoke on the phone and had a similarly friendly and relaxed conversation. Our e-mails and phone talk were enjoyable and seemed encouraging.
I suggested a meeting so we set up a time/place for the following day at a coffee shop close to where she works. About an hour before the scheduled time, she called and said something at work had come up and she couldn't make it. I understood and thanked her for calling. She did not suggest an alternate time or plan but simply apologized and left it at that.
Later, I did wonder if her excuse had been legitimate or if she had simply changed her mind about meeting. Who knows? Maybe she had even found someone else. I felt if she had been interested she likely would have suggested another time and place to meet but she didn't.
The next day, I received an e-mail from her apologizing once again for the cancellation. The final line she wrote is the reason for this post and which still rankles me to this day.
She wrote, and I quote, "Sorry again about missing you. The next time you make a date, I'll be sure to show up."
Why the hell was it up to me to make still ANOTHER date!? Since she's the one who cancelled the 1st time, shouldn't she take the next step in making the next arrangement?
Shouldn't these things really be shared equally by both people? Shouldn't she take at least part of the responsibility in getting this thing off the ground? I mean, we are adults here and not high school kids. I just felt she wanted to see how many hoops I would jump through and how many carrots she could dangle before I took the bait.
I sent her an e-mail along the lines of "yeah, too bad, maybe next time" and just left it at that. I determined I wouldn't set the next date and wanted to see what would happen.
Of course, nothing happened. I never heard from her again. Maybe she's still waiting for me to ask her out again, who knows? I was sick to death of the games though. We may have been a good match. We certainly got along well through e-mails and call. A man's got to draw the line somewhere though.
Anyway, I'd be interested in hearing from both men and women about this situation. How would you have handled it? Anyone have similar experiences?
The game seems to have started with the second bolded paragraph. She probably felt you might not want to reschedule and gave you the green light to do so-in no uncertain terms, I might add --and you got all pissy about it if we're to go only by what you've told us here. The ball--if she hasn't called game over--is in your court now. Stop being so touchy. Life happens you know, things do come up unexpectedly.
Of course, nothing happened. I never heard from her again. Maybe she's still waiting for me to ask her out again, who knows? I was sick to death of the games though. We may have been a good match. We certainly got along well through e-mails and call. A man's got to draw the line somewhere though.
What do you mean by "the games" (plural)? From your story, you've been chatting pleasantly, you asked her out and she canceled at the last minute. Is that it? She hinted that she'd like you to ask her out again, and you hinted back even more vaguely? (Perhaps next time you should say, "Let me know what time works for you" instead of "Maybe next time.")
You're imagining her dangling carrots and making you jump through hoops, and you're sick to death of the games, but I don't see where this woman is really doing much of that. Your instincts may very well be right, but you seem to be ascribing motives to her from past experiences. Do women get to start from scratch from you, or do they have to start by proving that they're not drama queen attention junkies or something?
Sounds like you were over-thinking this just a little. It could have been anything that came up. If it were me, I would have tried to set up another date. Give her the benefit of the doubt. If everything seemed to be going smoothly up to that point it was worth another try. If she flaked one more time then what did you lose?
Some people are afraid of personal interaction and meeting with someone, but they are comfortable with emailing because it's "safe", a way to feel as if they're having a real interaction. It's just one of the drawbacks of trying to meet someone online. You can communicate all you want by email but you won't get the real essence of someone until you meet in person. That's why it's better to meet women in bookstores, coffee shops, hiking clubs, church, etc. etc. You have a better idea of what you're dealing with right up front because if they're not fearful enough to be in a bookstore, then they won't fear meeting you for a date. I believe this kind of social phobia is a lot more common than we would think, and the internet helps perpetuate it.
You should have tried to meet her again a second time. Perhaps she is old fashioned and thinks the man should be the one asking the woman out. If she pulled another stunt and didn't show up that second time then I would have forgotten about her.
Perhaps a different reply back to her could have been, "Hey, I'm serious about getting together with you and I need to know up front if you feel the same way or not because my time is valuable to me." Puts the ball back in her court.
Mandavaran,
Maybe she's the one that likes those traditions where you have to do the asking, planning, taking care of expenses, opening her doors, etc. If you like it that way, go for it, if not, good for you, you just prevented going out with a girl who is not your type. That is, if you like things to be more balanced/equal right from the start.
Incidentally, your thread title reminded me that whenever I see "Tired of the Games" as the heading to a woman's personal ad, it's a slam-dunk guarantee I'm not interested in her. A person has a chance to make a first impression and she chooses a negative statement - not good. The most egregious example I've seen was one very attractive woman who spent a major portion of her ad content not describing herself, but listing all of the site members (by screen name) who had contacted her with lame pickup lines, including the text of their emails!
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The game seems to have started with the second bolded paragraph. She probably felt you might not want to reschedule and gave you the green light to do so-in no uncertain terms, I might add 
--and you got all pissy about it if we're to go only by what you've told us here. The ball--if she hasn't called game over--is in your court now. Stop being so touchy. Life happens you know, things do come up unexpectedly.
