Why women think men SHOULD be mind readers (wives, how to, love)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I was just reading a thread from a man complaining that his wife railed on him for not helping her carry heavy laundry up the stairs. He said, she didn't ask for help. He didn't pause the movie they were watching or help her with the laundry and she clobbered him for it. And he seemed so stunned about this.
The thing men don't realize, is by the time the words are coming out of a woman's mouth, the fire is stoked and she's about at a full tilt of anger. And here's why..
I keep reading about how men are not mind readers, and they "don't know" they should be affectionate. And they "don't know" they should compliment their wives or gfs. And they "need to be told" what women want and need.
The thing is, they didn't need to be told any of that in the beginning. They didn't need to be asked for attention, affection, compliments, making love, dates, notes, calls for no reason, gifts for no occasion, massages, any of that stuff.
Yet, the burden falls on the woman's shoulders to TELL him to do all of that stuff now that they've been together for years. Or even months.
Is it just me or is that the biggest load of steaming crap ever written?
Many of you were shocked when I wrote that men will take advantage of a woman who is good to them. Or if they ask for the date, or pay their way. I got lashed for saying that. But, here it is, right in our forums. Women hurt, sad, even devastated and considering leaving men who take advantage of them. I'm not talking about the good, loving men in good, loving realtionships ok, I'm talking about the myriads of lazy, comfortable, spoiled men who no longer appreciate what their women do for them. And then come here and talk about how they need to be mind readers. Is it me or is there a distinct lack of logic there?
Here's another reason I feel this way: I compliment my man. I grab the opportunity to hug him when he's standing up, which is rare. I want to help him on a project, even if it's holding the flashlight. I want to hear about what happened at work today, and help solve a problem he had. I want to cook for him, please him, stroke his hair, rub his shoulders, sex him up, and the like. I want to tell him how good he smells, how smart that decision was, how well he handled the contractors, all of it. Its like that stuff pours out of me because I love him.
Nothing pours out of him, though. I have to pry it out. Why?
Did he really not notice any of the things I've done? From improving my appearance, the accomplishments I've had, the weight I lost, the ideas I've had, all down the drain, right? Because I didn't tell him to notice first, right? I have to preface what I say and do with "Honey pay attention, I'm about to do something I need you to compliment." BARF!!!!!!!!!!!!
He never complimented my cooking (and it was good). He never appreciated sex. Never complimented my hair, clothes, fragrance, never appreciated anything. Except when he had to, like in an argument, or to diffuse one. The day he suspected me of knowing about his adult friend finder profile, he came home from work and looked at me and said "wow, nice hair! Nice lipstick color, is that new? Great eyes. Are they new shoes?" Makes me want to hurl when I think about it.
They know exactly what we need, and exactly what we want. They just hold it like aces up their sleeves to use when they need to. Not when we want it or need it, only when they decide to use it.
Relationships are torture for the one who loves more than the other. I guess I'm guilty of that. I guess he figured out that I loved him to no end and he took fulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll advantage of that. God it makes me so sick to hear these men bellyache and whine about they "don't know what to do." I'd bet the farm they know exactly what to do and say, they just don't do it until they have to.
Just wanted to apologize for the incensed nature of this post. I'm about furious right now. This is a subject that just gets right to my deepest nerves. I almost didn't post it, but I thought, in the spirit of open communication, lets see what others have to say about it, just in case I'm far off the mark.
A person can only be taken advantage of if they allow it.
Well apparently, a good percentage of relationship complaints center around this very problem. Where is the cutoff point from being taken advantage of, to, he just doesn't know any better? Is it after the 10th time you talked to him about it? The 20th?
Well apparently, a good percentage of relationship complaints center around this very problem. Where is the cutoff point from being taken advantage of, to, he just doesn't know any better? Is it after the 10th time you talked to him about it? The 20th?
Um, it's true. Many men will do what you ask, but you have to ask them.
How are they supposed to just think of doing the laundry, putting away dishes, picking up random flotsam when they were never raised to do that? My brother is the same way. He was never expected to do it as a boy, it all magically got done by my mother (or a maid or even me), so why on earth would it ever occur to him to do it?! It was never part of his reality. If you never touched a vacuum cleaner in your life, how is it just supposed to dawn on you that it's time to vacuum?
You want this behavior to end, you get mothers to raise their sons differently. I know some mothers already do, but I can see the differences in young families I know to this day. It's epidemic. It's sickening. And it's perpetuated by women.
I think your observation is a fairly common one. I think the cause is fairly basic, as well. Men are psychologically geared to hunting and fixing. I think that's a broad generalization, but has some basic truth to it - you may not agree, of course. The courtship phase is the hunting activity. You do what it takes to get the girl, so you put in whatever effort is needed. If relationship problems arise, the tendency is to fix them. It takes awhile, and a chronic or severe issue, to trigger the fixing behavior. Lower levels of issues (e.g., help with laundry) fall under the radar, so to speak.
The answer is a lot harder to find. Essentially, it's about never taking you SO or spouse for granted, which means an ongoing appreciation and sincere attention. That's not easy, and most men aren't raised or geared to think this way, unfortunately. Women more often are. I think men can learn to be more appreciative and helpful in the small ways that matter, but who has to do the training to make that happen? Women!
I don't have a suggestion on how to best do this, but anger, nagging, and complaining are not good motivators. And some men won't be good students no matter what! LOL It could be as simple as not doing some things for them, like their laundry, and letting them realize they have to do their own if they want clean clothes. Start small, and build.
Of course, there are men who do their part, and do appreciate their SO. And there are women who don't appreciate the things men DO for them, or don't show that they appreciate it in ways that matter to the man.
I heard somewhere that we can train/teach someone how to treat us whether it be male or female.
And I agree with that wholeheartedly. I figured that out while training a puppy about 14 years ago. I got a book on puppy training and it ingrained in me how to get the best behavior from your dog for a long life of happiness. It occurred to me to use tons of praise instead of dashes of salt to get the result I wanted. So, I tried it with Chuckles. I think he took my enthusiasm for his crappy gifts and infrequent compliments as being addlebrained and proceeded to become more crappy and infrequent. So, it backfired. I guess it only works with a dog, or a person, who wants to please you. hmph. go figure.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
