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I am bothered by a situation that recently occured in my life.
I have been dating an older man (late 30's) for the last two months and I was under the impression that for once I found stable man. A generous guy, with a great moral compass. An honest guy with solid religious beliefs and a thirst for knowledge. He was always reading, seeking ways to become a better person. I thought I was dating a man who is traditional in the treatment of his partner. The man that opens the door for a woman and lets her go first. Who serves her dinner plate to her before he places his own before him. The one that NEVER complains. The kind, thoughtful man who was so evidently romantic. I thought this guy was wonderful, and would be hard to find again.
Well..out of the blue he tells me that things aren't going well with one of his companies and he needs some time to get things situated. After all, we had been dating non-stop (5 days a week) since we met. Things just naturally progressed on their own and one day I woke up and realized I was in a healthy relationship, finally!
So I say OK. Take the weekend to get things in order. He had recently sustained an injury and so, thinking I was being supportive, I put together a care package and went to drop it by his house. He wasn't home "getting things in order". So I didn't say anything, I just decided to see what he had to say the following day.
He lies. We agree to meet. When we meet, he admits to lying (but only by lying again to cover up the truth). And then flips off the handle. Begins character bashing me. As I sit on the couch and listen intently, he goes back and forth between one extreme and another.
Then he starts crying, telling me that maybe he's making a snap decision about us because of work. He asks for several days to clear his head.
Thus, I am confused and sitting on his couch bewildered, because I have no idea what's going on. This came at me from left field.
Then he stops crying and becomes angry, asking me why I am still in his living room? "Why are you still here?" he asks. Then he comes to me and hugs me. Then he crosses the room and stands in the doorway, telling me he's so pissed off he can punch the wall, and actually punched the wall. At this point I put some distance between us, including a table. I felt like I was standing in a room with a man who is possibly extremely bipolar or who has multiple personalities. Maybe both? I am not sure.
Finally giving him what he wants, I proceed to leave. He begins to yell at me and then tells me that he is stressed out because his home is being foreclosed in three days. And the next thing you know, he's dropping f bombs at me while I am standing on his front porch. Finally I tell him that he took me around the world and back to tell me this. Again he asks for time. I say, "that's a good idea" and left.
The following day he tells me that he was venting. Um....venting? Venting is what I am doing now...in an online forum.
I have analyzed this incident for several days now and it's giving me a headache. Can someone please disect this and offer some advice? I don't know if I should allow him back in my life after what happened and if I decide to, do I only on certain terms and with clear boundaries in place?
Definitely sounds like he has some bipolar traits. He's confused and deflecting his inability to maturely handle this situation on you. Sounds like he's the type to be too much in his head, the wheels are constantly spinning even though there's not really anything going on.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,010,901 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sondae
I am bothered by a situation that recently occured in my life.
I have been dating an older man (late 30's) for the last two months and I was under the impression that for once I found stable man. A generous guy, with a great moral compass. An honest guy with solid religious beliefs and a thirst for knowledge. He was always reading, seeking ways to become a better person. I thought I was dating a man who is traditional in the treatment of his partner. The man that opens the door for a woman and lets her go first. Who serves her dinner plate to her before he places his own before him. The one that NEVER complains. The kind, thoughtful man who was so evidently romantic. I thought this guy was wonderful, and would be hard to find again.
Well..out of the blue he tells me that things aren't going well with one of his companies and he needs some time to get things situated. After all, we had been dating non-stop (5 days a week) since we met. Things just naturally progressed on their own and one day I woke up and realized I was in a healthy relationship, finally!
So I say OK. Take the weekend to get things in order. He had recently sustained an injury and so, thinking I was being supportive, I put together a care package and went to drop it by his house. He wasn't home "getting things in order". So I didn't say anything, I just decided to see what he had to say the following day.
He lies. We agree to meet. When we meet, he admits to lying (but only by lying again to cover up the truth). And then flips off the handle. Begins character bashing me. As I sit on the couch and listen intently, he goes back and forth between one extreme and another.
Then he starts crying, telling me that maybe he's making a snap decision about us because of work. He asks for several days to clear his head.
Thus, I am confused and sitting on his couch bewildered, because I have no idea what's going on. This came at me from left field.
Then he stops crying and becomes angry, asking me why I am still in his living room? "Why are you still here?" he asks. Then he comes to me and hugs me. Then he crosses the room and stands in the doorway, telling me he's so pissed off he can punch the wall, and actually punched the wall. At this point I put some distance between us, including a table. I felt like I was standing in a room with a man who is possibly extremely bipolar or who has multiple personalities. Maybe both? I am not sure.
Finally giving him what he wants, I proceed to leave. He begins to yell at me and then tells me that he is stressed out because his home is being foreclosed in three days. And the next thing you know, he's dropping f bombs at me while I am standing on his front porch. Finally I tell him that he took me around the world and back to tell me this. Again he asks for time. I say, "that's a good idea" and left.
The following day he tells me that he was venting. Um....venting? Venting is what I am doing now...in an online forum.
I have analyzed this incident for several days now and it's giving me a headache. Can someone please disect this and offer some advice? I don't know if I should allow him back in my life after what happened and if I decide to, do I only on certain terms and with clear boundaries in place?
I don't know about this--I'm still reeling over the bolded, esp the underlined. NEVER complains? Really? I don't think there's a living, non-comatose soul on earth who NEVER complains. As for the rest, if it were me and I was relatively sure he wasn't one of those 'older guys' who likes younger women just for sex, I'd put the skids on and take it real slow, drop the expectations and see where it's going.
remember how you felt at the very moment he punched that wall? if you let him back into your life, that might be you. women whoes husbands/boyfreinds beat them always say the same thing. "he was so sweet before, he didnt seem like the type"...i think you dodged a bullet here and this is fare warning.
My personal rule is, any man who punches a wall gets dumped. Period. That coupled with crying and cursing... I would give him the boot if I were you. He clearly reacts violently to stress, and stress happens to us all. He will experience stress again, and you will bear the brunt of it. He may even "vent" on your face someday.
My personal rule is, any man who punches a wall gets dumped. Period. That coupled with crying and cursing... I would give him the boot if I were you. He clearly reacts violently to stress, and stress happens to us all. He will experience stress again, and you will bear the brunt of it. He may even "vent" on your face someday.
I agree. Regardless of what the label is, the guy is a mess. Chronological age has nothing to do with maturity, that's for sure.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,010,901 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC
My personal rule is, any man who punches a wall gets dumped. Period. That coupled with crying and cursing... I would give him the boot if I were you. He clearly reacts violently to stress, and stress happens to us all. He will experience stress again, and you will bear the brunt of it. He may even "vent" on your face someday.
True, that. I overlooked that--still reeling over NEVER complaining. LOL
Ok Whyte Byrd, I'll give you some credit. Perhaps he did complain at some point in the many conversations we had. I guess I overlooked that too. You got me !
remember how you felt at the very moment he punched that wall? if you let him back into your life, that might be you. women whoes husbands/boyfreinds beat them always say the same thing. "he was so sweet before, he didnt seem like the type"...i think you dodged a bullet here and this is fare warning.
Dead on! Next you'll be the wall and he didn't mean it.
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