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I did not have the greatest childhood. This is hard for me to say, so please, be kind on the negative comments to my post. Wasn't bad, but, the teenage years were very hard. Under the situation, my parents did the best they could, but it was, by no means a walk in the park. Though, due to these experiences, I have always had a problem opening up, trusting people and giving people the benefit of the doubt. I am sure, that while failed relationships were not 100% my fault, my trust in my partner was always in question. I have, and continue to, always be in survival mode. Keeping people at arms length and telling half truths. Only answering and asking questions that I already knew the answer to.
It really intensified from 16 - 28, when I was also hit with a serious digestive disease. Not fatal, well, fatal in terms of a social life, but not fatal as I would die from it. Combat that with no father figure or older male figure for ages 16 - 19, it was hard. Up until then, I was very social, had lots of friends, a few girlfriends, etc. Once 16 hit, I started to go into isolation. Only concentrating on school and after school jobs. Once the digestive issues hit, even that was a chore. Sometimes not eating until I get home from school and work. With this, friends started to stop hanging out with me, and I lost touch with all of them until recently.
I joined Facebook a few months ago and found them one by one. Yea, they friended me, but we still do not talk or hang out. Mom says, you left their lives due to our issues at the time, and now, after a decade trying to get back in? This will be a tough task. I got one to give me his number, I called him about a month ago, said let me call you back in a few minutes, I am changing my kids diaper. I am still waiting for that call back. So, 10 + years of basic social isolation had changed me. I am, by default, distrustful of other people. Afraid to open up, thinking I will be venerable and they will leave. I did partially open up to my last relationship, and we all know how that turned out. I also feel very bad on how that ended. Regardless, it is over, and I moved forward. The woman I was dating after her, possibly a rebound, not sure, said I am too distant, I said this is who I am. We decided it is best for a break. I believe, and I take full 100% responsibility, that if I did not go through what I was forced to go through, life would be different. Yes, I may not be as financially well off as I am now, but what do I have to show for it? Money? Cars? Homes? Big deal. Zero friends and countless failed relationships. Dad says get over it. It was so long ago and you are using it as a crutch. Perhaps, but, I will be 30 soon, and it just sucks having no one in my life. And I feel, well, disheartened about my choices in life.
Since I was a teenager, and we had financial issues, my # 1 goal was to make sure I was financially secure. That was the only thing important to me. Make enough money to ensure myself, siblings and parents will never have to worry about money. This is secure, but I feel it came at a hefty price. The period of been a teenager and in my 20's I had to focus on work and nothing else, well school too. I look at my younger sister, and she had a normal teenage and early 20's life. I envy that. Yea, she's struggling financially, and we all help her when she needs it, but she has something I do not. Friends and relationships. All mine are gone. And it seems, no one really is interested in starting them up again, except on Facebook.
No, I do not need to talk to a psychologist. I made all the decisions myself. I take full responsibility in my actions and do not blame anyone for my choices or my mistakes except myself. However, I take failure in anything very seriously. And, it hurts when relationships, platonic or romantic are failures. As, I honestly believe I did everything and anything to make it work.
Maybe I am just rambling on about nothing. Christmas time is here, and yet again, I am alone. It probably did not help seeing my ex, yes the crazy one, in the mall today. Saw me, and well was very touchy with her new guy. Which, seems to be going well. I wish them well, and hope they are happy with each other. Honestly. I do not hold any grudges against either. I wish the feeling was mutual.
Spastic Colon. There is no cure or treatment for Spastic Colon without severe side effects. They had me on all sorts of pain killers, muscle relaxers, and anti-spasmatics. All it did was make me depressed, sleepy and anti-social due to the side effects. Those side effects were tremors, extreme gas/bloating, constipation, severe abdominal pain. Then they doubled my strength of the anti-spasmatics over the summer. Had severe depression and very negative thoughts. Therefore, like I did with the pain killers a decade ago, I stopped taking all meds cold turkey against the advice of the gastroenterologist. Took about a month of severe pain, flu like symptoms, insomnia and no appetite, but everything broke. No more depression or negative thoughts, extreme abdominal pain, but the migraines came back, so I am on a beta blocker for that. This is all I am taking now. I have modified my diet and taken up yoga which has helped with the abdominal pains.
I am just upset with the choices I made socially and relationship wise due to the influence of the spastic colon and subsequent meds they put me on. Aside from the social aspect of life, everything is great. However, Friday and Saturday nights, not so much. Plus, the hauntings from previous relationships failures, more specifically, the last two, where the first one I did actually love her and thought of marring her. The last one, I really believe we just caught each other at bad times in our lives.
You probably don't want to hear this but auto-immune diseases (physical) are often the manifestation of a somatoform disorder (psychological). I've been there.
See a qualified therapist to work through your issues.
Everything is manageable now. The meds were what caused the extreme side effects. The homeopathic remedies and yoga are working wonders. Wish I started them earlier. Flair ups here and there, but nothing I can do about that. They pass when I load up on probotics and fiber. Takes a few hours, but no where as uncomfortable as it was 10 months ago.
What is done in the past is the past. I just want to make sure I do not cause it again by mistrust and me jumping to conclusions. Again, it is more that I have problems with trust. One of the reasons why I build walls and protect myself from hurt. However, it is not working very well for me.
I feel for you. This is a hard situation. Some people seem to sail through their teen years and others are faced with issues that bear a scar even years later.
I would to some extent take your dad's advice and try to move forward. As trite as it sounds, we can't change the past. Right now you are a 30 year old with most of your life ahead of you. The past cannot be changed. The only thing you can affect is what occurs from here forward. Will you look back 10 years from now at age 40 wishing you had done something different now? How about at 50? Right now you are relatively young. Don't squander this chance.
I would give up on the friendships from 15 years ago. What's the point? Frankly, I am friends with very few people I knew during that time period. We were fine during high school, but part of growing up is meeting new people as you mature into a different person throughout your college years and 20's. It makes more sense to pursue friendships with people you have things in common with now. As for the changing the diaper comment, this is a perfect example, not of the person being mean, but just that their life has changed dramatically. Rightfully, they now have to devote much of their time to caring for their child. It is their focus, not on catching up with someone they knew 15 years before. You need to find people with similar lives to you.
As a first step, I WOULD get therapy. There is no shame in therapy. It is not for "broken" or stupid people. Therapy is for people who recognize that there is something in their past that could be a roadblock to a happier future, or something they need to work through in order to feel better. It is no different from seeing a doctor when you have an injury. There is no shame in attending therapy, rather it is an intelligent way to work through an issue instead of allowing it to cripple you.
Second, I would take a self-imposed break from dating, temporarily. Set a goal for yourself that for 6 months, you are really going to focus on you, not worrying about your romantic life. Don't worry about getting dates or how you're coming across to women. There will be time for that in 6 months once you're doing better and are ready to present your best version of yourself.
Third, I would start cultivating friendships and nurturing interests you have. Forget Facebook and the old friends. Life happens in real life, not on the computer. Pick 2 activities that interest you and join them. Tomorrow. Think cooking classes, a foreign language, volunteering for a homeless shelter, SOMETHING, a book club... find two places where you will be forced to interact with people. Try forming new friendships from that group.
When you form new friendships, get the elephant off your back. We've all gone through something. Yes, you need to share with them, but with your therapist, you need to work through putting your past in perspective. There's a difference between being able to share your experiences in a measured, meaningful way and unloading a hopeless list of why your life will always suck. The former brings two people closer, while the latter drives them away.
I dated a girl once who described herself as an open book. If there was something you wanted to know about her, all you had to do was ask and she would tell you. And she didn't care if it made her look bad either. I was the exact opposite. Very guarded and slow to open up, much like the OP. Over time, this created tension between us. She felt like I was being secretive because I wasn't being as open as her. I, on the other hand, felt I wasn't being secretive at all. In my mind, trust is earned. You don't reveal certain things about yourself until the other person has earned your trust and I just didn't know her well enough to feel comfortable disclosing those things.
We eventually parted ways, in part because of the pace at which I was revealing stuff. What I learned from that experience is that you have to be willing to take some risks if you want to have a relationship with someone. The problem is that I'm not a big risk-taker. I hold on to information because I worry that it might be used against me. But if you keep it inside, people will never trust you.
intluser, I think you need to figure out why you're so afraid to trust others and, for that, you may need to talk to a professional. There's no shame in that, by the way. In my case, it wasn't necessary. I quickly realized that my trust issues came from fear. Fear of getting hurt, fear of being used, fear of being judged, and fear of losing control. Living in fear is no way to live. You can stay at home and be safe, but you'll miss out on an awful lot.
I dated a girl once who described herself as an open book. If there was something you wanted to know about her, all you had to do was ask and she would tell you. And she didn't care if it made her look bad either. I was the exact opposite. Very guarded and slow to open up, much like the OP. Over time, this created tension between us. She felt like I was being secretive because I wasn't being as open as her. I, on the other hand, felt I wasn't being secretive at all. In my mind, trust is earned. You don't reveal certain things about yourself until the other person has earned your trust and I just didn't know her well enough to feel comfortable disclosing those things.
We eventually parted ways, in part because of the pace at which I was revealing stuff. What I learned from that experience is that you have to be willing to take some risks if you want to have a relationship with someone. The problem is that I'm not a big risk-taker. I hold on to information because I worry that it might be used against me. But if you keep it inside, people will never trust you.
intluser, I think you need to figure out why you're so afraid to trust others and, for that, you may need to talk to a professional. There's no shame in that, by the way. In my case, it wasn't necessary. I quickly realized that my trust issues came from fear. Fear of getting hurt, fear of being used, fear of being judged, and fear of losing control. Living in fear is no way to live. You can stay at home and be safe, but you'll miss out on an awful lot.
I am very similar. I am opening up more and more, but it is certainly taking time. So many people in my life have let me down, I have, and still do for the most part, only rely on myself. Sometimes, if I actually cannot do something myself, I will request assistance from my mother or father. I am not an introvert, just my priorities were shifted at a young age, so I really never had the opportunity to just see what happens. It is a bit late for that now, but, I guess, I look at the recent past and see the failures in relationships and friendships. And I know, because the way my mind works, it is usually my fault cause I pushed them away or had such high walls built, that it was not longer worth it to them to knock them down. I do not need to speak to a professional, I already know the issue and the cause, however, I am curious if anyone else had the same or similar experiences as myself. As well as how long it took for them to let down their guard, welcome people into their life and attempt to make them part of it. I know, 100%, my first real relationship at 27 was a failure 100% due to my naivety in relationships and because I did not open up. I had a second chance, but blew that too. Yea, it was two years ago, but it still really bothers me. And the last one, well, as you said Denny, I started it off wrong, but she was no road scholar in building a relationship either. The girl I dated after for a couple of months, but we grew apart. She was also 26, so I am sure she just wanted a good times, whereas I actually wanted a relationship.
Just curious to see how many more training relationships I need to go through, as well as the emotional hurt, before I am more in line to what I should be in relationships.
In terms of just friends, at my age, this is very hard to do. Many have little interest in doing so. One of the biggest issues I had in the past with relationships was the girl always wanted me to introduce her to my friends. I always made an excuse, as well, I had and still have none. So, I believe, they thought I was either hiding something from them or something wasn't right. So, within a month or two, we parted ways. Telling someone you are dating that you have no friends, not a good thing, so I just say I like to keep things separate. Basically, I am screwed either way. And, to tell a girl you just started dating my story, they would run so fast, it is not even worth it.
I understand your fears. No one wants to have their past held against them. But hiding it will make you look worse. One of my friends is a single mom. She knows that people will wonder how she came to be a mother and will most likely make assumptions about her. So whenever the subject comes up, instead of being evasive about it, she just tells the truth which is that she was dating a guy when she was in her 20s, got drunk one night, and ended up pregnant. The guy took off once he found out she was pregnant leaving her to raise her son on her own. She calls it her litmus test. If a guy doesn't want to date her after hearing how she came to be a mom, then she know he's not the right guy for her. That's how you should view your not having friends. If a woman judges you for it, then you know she's wrong for you. Just like you want to learn how to give others the benefit of the doubt, they have to be willing to do the same with you.
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