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I did ask and I was denied. That department is very small and the other profs aren't interested in research. It's not an official major. I guess I'm out of luck. He is respected in his field and he simply has access to things that other profs don't. Things that, unforunately for me, could have been very helpful. I had the opportunity to go elsewhere but I decided to forego the chance to see what would happen with him. I lost out on both counts.
I did ask and I was denied. That department is very small and the other profs aren't interested in research. It's not an official major. I guess I'm out of luck. He is respected in his field and he simply has access to things that other profs don't. Things that, unforunately for me, could have been very helpful. I had the opportunity to go elsewhere but I decided to forego the chance to see what would happen with him. I lost out on both counts.
Are there any other local schools? Check there. Look for online listings as well. Some schools advertise for research positions that go towards your graduate degree. Are you going to decide you can't go to grad school because this one professor didn't help you? Look at all the available options, even if it means "researching" the school(s) you like in your own time. If you really want this for yourself, no one is standing in your way but you.
I find it hard to believe that there is only one man in the entire country who can help you in whatever this major is. Even if you have to transfer to another school to find another professor, there are other ways to still pursue your dreams.
It's only human nature to resent it when others have an advantage that you don't, or to feel frustrated when you're judged on anything but your own merits. I think anyone would feel the same in your position. However, you aren't the first to find yourself in such circumstances, nor will you be the last. I hope you'll find the will to persevere.
I agree with the other comments here but I want to address shyness.
Shyness is just a form of narcissism, meaning you are more concerned about what other's think of you rather than being interested in them. I was shy until I became aware of this concept. I realized I cared more about what other's thought of me rather than focusing on them. If you were accepting of your faults and open to him you would have been honest with him. No hiding or sublimating. Now, all you can do is watch from the sidelines.
Shyness will hamper your ability to give to another so try to address that if you want real, honest relationships in life.
I agree with the other comments here but I want to address shyness.
Shyness is just a form of narcissism, meaning you are more concerned about what other's think of you rather than being interested in them. I was shy until I became aware of this concept. I realized I cared more about what other's thought of me rather than focusing on them. If you were accepting of your faults and open to him you would have been honest with him. No hiding or sublimating. Now, all you can do is watch from the sidelines.
Shyness will hamper your ability to give to another so try to address that if you want real, honest relationships in life.
I'm not sure what you mean by faults. My problem is shyness and some degree of social ineptitide and social anxiety. I don't consider age a fault. I've said over and over that if I'd reacted properly to the situation, I don't know what would have happened. I never would have lied about my age. I still wish I would have had the opportunity to get that point where I could have told him and found out, in spite of everything else. However, I have to believe that someone specifically looking to date his own students is looking to them for a reason and age is definitely one of them. There is also never a shortage of 20-something females out there, so I also have to question his motivation for having to be with someone from his own class. Is it laziness, insecurity? Shy or not, he must be hiding something too.
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, The World!
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The Professor is a sexual predator. He knows you are vulnerable (sharks can sniff out blood from miles away) and this makes you easy prey. I am not suggesting this chap is without charm, however any attractiveness he may possess is outweighed by a cunning and lecherous abuse of power.
Steer clear of this type. They have a long history of getting involved with students for selfish reasons and to flatter their aging egos. These males don't have an interest in you personally, or care about your well-being, but want you for what you represent. To him you are a young impressionable female combined with a willing body. He does not regard you as an equal or care about you aside from your relationship to him, and at best you are a temporary, amusing plaything who will quickly become a nuisance should you exhibit emotional needs that intrude upon his fantasy. He will decide that you are become too demanding and needy. There is no security in this arrangement even if you behave like a good girl and ask for nothing, because it is inevitable he will eventually tire of the familiarity and seek out a fresh replacement.
What this Professor is doing is wrong. He should be reported to the relevant university department, but I can understand if you don't want to go down this route.
I'm considering it. Mine is one of the few schools without any kind of policy against that sort of thing, though. I read that in cases where schools don't have such policies, it's because they're basically implied. I was told by another prof however, that it would be unethical to prevent people from having a relationship, probably because his wife was a student. However, he did not care for the arrangement I've described here but only because of the age diff and the fact that 22 year olds are so impressionable. He then went on to tell me about a friend who recently divorced his wife for a 25 year old female and they're quite happy together. With such attitudes, I can imagine the people at this school wishing them well and telling me there's nothing wrong with it.
I've, of course, been thinking about this again. Taking everything into consideration, yes, he's immature and I think his unethical behavior was partly the result of that. However, I will always wonder what would have happened had I handled myself differently. Based on what I know, I really don't think he has dishonorable intentions. I just think he's nerdy and not very slick with women. But I don't think that it precludes a healthy relationship. I think it will just make him more likely to stay with whoever he's with for that reason, and to treat her very well. Because I am inexperienced with dating, I think someone like that would have been ideal for me and given the difficulty I have meeting people (men) I will continue to obesess.
I'm sad that you're allowing one incident to scar your for this. Nothing anyone here will tell you is helping.
I hate to say this, but I suggest seeking help/guidance beyond this forum...someone with a LPC/LMHC/LCMHC title, or with a PsyD. I have a feeling there is more going on than what happened with this professor....
Please, don't wast your life over one guy. There's plenty of better ones out there.
I've, of course, been thinking about this again. Taking everything into consideration, yes, he's immature and I think his unethical behavior was partly the result of that. However, I will always wonder what would have happened had I handled myself differently. Based on what I know, I really don't think he has dishonorable intentions. I just think he's nerdy and not very slick with women. But I don't think that it precludes a healthy relationship. I think it will just make him more likely to stay with whoever he's with for that reason, and to treat her very well. Because I am inexperienced with dating, I think someone like that would have been ideal for me and given the difficulty I have meeting people (men) I will continue to obesess.
Hey Jordan. Glad to hear you're still reaching out for advice in whatever way you can. I think LexWest had a good suggestion... it might be even more beneficial to talk to someone with experience in helping people through these issues. Could be worth a shot...
You may be right that he had no evil intentions. Sometimes people who do the wrong thing don't... they just have really bad judgment or are good at lying to themselves... justifying things, if you will. In any case, there's really little you can do about this particular man, and I wouldn't devote too much valuable time to worrying about "what if?" questions. You could waste years that way and in the end, it could turn out that he never had romantic interest in you at all.
When I read what you last wrote, it really sounds like you're looking for someone who will treat you well, who really will finally see you and adore you the way you've always wanted. I think every person wants that.
I think that someone kind would be ideal for you. I think a fellow gentle, shy person would be perfect. There are probably more men out there like that than you think... it's just harder to meet them because the shy homebodies tend to hang out at home rather than being out and about where they're easily noticeable. Joining some clubs (chess club, bowling club, anything that strikes your fancy) would be a great way to meet people and broaden your social circle.
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I'm sad that you're allowing one incident to scar your for this. Nothing anyone here will tell you is helping.
