Should we Place our Plans on Hold? (date, girlfriend, married)
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My GF and I are in our 50's. We've known each other 12+ years, but have only dated for 16 months. Despite our nascent relationship, we are extremely happy and see lifetime partnership potential in each other. We want to cohabitate in her house. However, there's one obstacle which thus far has kept us from living together: her daughter.
Unfortunately, her boomerang daughter recently returned to live with my GF after graduating from college. Although her daughter is now employed in her profession, we have no clue as to how long she plans to live in my GF's house. Neither my GF or I want to make her daughter feel like she needs to leave. But, we can see that her presence posses an inconvenience for us.
Although our current plans are to move forward with the cohabitation plans, I can sense a bit of reluctance on my GF's behalf. I myself feel some apprehension as well.
Even though it hasn't been stated, I know my GF sees this as an unfair hand dealt to us. After all, here we are in our 50's; a time in which we become all too aware of how short life truly is. We want to live together. However, we feel stifled by her daughter's presence.
As I think things over, my immediate inclination includes the following:
1. Not moving in for another 3 to 6 months.
2. Clearly defining to her daughter the exact date of my move-in
3. Ensure that my existing rental agreement remains available for several months just in case I need to move out of my GF's house
4. Give ourselves a few months to see how the three of us cope with our new living arrangements situation.
If anyone has experience-based advice or opinions, please share your thoughts.
Here's the thing... the daughter, unless a very intrusive drama causing hell-cat, should not influence your decisions with your girlfriend.
You know full well that at any age a child should be able to rely on his/her parents, so it's quite possible the daughter or another offspring may need help again after this episode... what then?
You'll breed trust and understanding if you don't let this interfere with your plans...
It sounds like a very thoughtful plan that is - if anything - overly considerate of the adult daughter. It's also a good idea to keep exit options open until such time as living together is seen to be working. However, the final decision should be your g/f's.
This girl is not a teenager. Shes employed. Im sure shes at work from 9-5 and has a normal 20-something social life. Im a recent college grad and still living at home. I would say after work, the gym, and weekends with my bf Im home maybe a total of maybe 45 hr a week and all of that is spent sleeping.
I highly doubt she will be intrusive on your relationship.
Why don't you try "somewhat" living there first? Keep your own place and just move your clothes and other more needed personal items and spend most of the time there to see how it goes. It might appear more expensive money-wise, but the emotional, physical, and financial cost of undoing it should you need to is usually higher!
At this point that's what I'd do should the dilemma come up at all. Even if a miracle happens and I move completely, I won't sell or rent my house, at least for a few years, if at all. Yes, my view is a bit extreme and this approach is not practical from fiscal standpoint, but it's been brought about by too much trauma in this department.
This girl is not a teenager. Shes employed. Im sure shes at work from 9-5 and has a normal 20-something social life. Im a recent college grad and still living at home. I would say after work, the gym, and weekends with my bf Im home maybe a total of maybe 45 hr a week and all of that is spent sleeping.
I highly doubt she will be intrusive on your relationship.
You're right. It doesn't sound to me as if she should be a problem, but since Chacho is asking this, he probably has something in mind he's not sharing...
Have a sit down meeting with both of them and talk it out respectfully.
It might actually be a lot of fun living with the two of them!
We had to live with the inlaws for a couple of months, and had good times, barbecues, laughs etc.
They were pretty boring together to begin with so when we moved in-Party time!
We left because I needed more room!!
Don't be the one to drive the wedge, I am sure they are close, so go slow, let your GF initiate whatever happens.
Good luck!
i agree, do a soft move in first. just start staying there a few nights a week and test the waters. what the daughter thinks of your living arrangements does not matter one iota to those of us not there, only the 3 of you can decide if the potential problems(if any) are worth waiting until she moves out. personally, i would go ahead and move in but this is not my life so i can't speak for you and your situation.
I'm not going to be popular on this one!! Your GF's home is her daughters' home too! Going away to college is not like leaving home to get married or moving in with a guy/roomate hence she is not a boomerang! You could be the nicest guy in the world but I wouldn't let any non-related male live in my home with my daughter present. Life is short, and sometimes it's also not fair.
Why don't you try "somewhat" living there first? Keep your own place and just move your clothes and other more needed personal items and spend most of the time there to see how it goes. It might appear more expensive money-wise, but the emotional, physical, and financial cost of undoing it should you need to is usually higher!
At this point that's what I'd do should the dilemma come up at all. Even if a miracle happens and I move completely, I won't sell or rent my house, at least for a few years, if at all. Yes, my view is a bit extreme and this approach is not practical from fiscal standpoint, but it's been brought about by too much trauma in this department.
I agree with Sierra. I wouldn't sell my house or let my apartment rental lease go just yet. I would move some things in her house and see what happens. If you feel that your gf is catering too much to her grown daughter and you don't like the situation, you always have a place to go to.
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