When your friend won't do emails and you don't want to talk - need advice please (how to, guys)
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I have this friend who simply refuses to do emails. She texted me this morning with "I miss you" as we haven't spoken in weeks. We haven't spoken in weeks as she has said some horrible things about big deal stuff (as in deaths) and likes to tell me what to do. I've told her to stop telling me what to do and to get some tact, yet her excuse is she is just being honest.
Ok, I don't do texts. To me it takes too long and I've just never done them. I don't like them and the messages sent are way too short to really say much of anything. Yet at the same time I don't want to talk on the phone. I have to say I've sort of missed having someone to talk to, but wish the someone was someone else. So, do I just not respond at all? I could email her (again) but she'd probably just call (again). She likes to argue and I don't want to give her that opportunity. In emails, she is pretty limited in that it's pretty hard to argue via email and she's a lousy typist. What would you do? BTW, we've known each other for a very long time and this is how I know she likes to argue and I really want no part in it. I am done arguing. The only people I really want in my life will make me smile when I see them call me (or be my mother).
Oh, one more thing. I'll feel guilty if I don't respond at all as we've known each other for so long. I know how I've felt getting no response back and it doesn't feel good.
Last edited by mistygrl092; 04-03-2011 at 01:39 PM..
Reason: add thought
It sounds like you would be alot happier, without her in your life, all together. I would suggest that you just eventually fade away from her all together. Shoot her an email, short and sweet, and be done with it.
You don't do texts, but is it too big of a deal for you to text her and ask her to meet her somewhere?
You really need to get your feelings out to her. You need to explain to her, probably in some detail, that you don't appreciate being told what to do. She probably really needs someone to talk with, maybe someone from outside her family(death related things etc) as she could be feeling some heavy stress and might be taking some of it out on you and other friends of hers.
If she's very honest, that's great, as having a true, honest friend goes a long way in life. But, speaking from experience, you have to know when to be brutal and when to sugar coat honesty. I bet she doesn't think how to say things or approach certain situations, because I have that trouble sometimes too.
All I know is I go through phases like this--just finishing up one now.
I don't bother to call one of my oldest friends---forget about ever doing emails---I would but would never get a response. She has just never gotten the hang of what constitutes friendship with me. It has to be all--'Me, Me, Me'--we know she has her issues. Not to say that I don't have my own--but have always catered to her and she likes that.
I suppose she has written me off, too. She moved away--which I didn't think was a good idea and in many ways it wasn't---so she moved back to live in her sister's vicinity--a couple of hours away from me. I used to get together with them for Christmas--never enjoyed some of the intense family moments but that is what you do during the holiday season. The entire family was upset by the moving back and justifiably so---she just wanted me there as a buffer. I said, 'No'---for maybe the first time in our relationship.
I don't have a good answer--any relationship you are involved in--if you have the feeling that you care more are the more tolerant pary in the relationship---sooner or later that gets old.
I would rather have no friends than be around a negative one.
You miss someone to talk to but it sounds like you don't miss what she brings to the table. Text her back and say you need some time. Or text her back and meet somewhere and talk. If you only argue and can't come to any common ground on your expectations and feelings then it sounds like time to break free from this relationship.
Not quite understanding this. You guys won't do emails or texts, so what? How do you think every single friendship for hundreds of thousands of years survived prior to the 90's, before these things were invented?
See each other in person or speak on the phone. Problem solved.
You don't do texts, but is it too big of a deal for you to text her and ask her to meet her somewhere?
That's not feasible since we do not live in the same state. Plus, even if we did, that would still set the stage for an argument.
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You really need to get your feelings out to her. You need to explain to her, probably in some detail, that you don't appreciate being told what to do. She probably really needs someone to talk with, maybe someone from outside her family(death related things etc) as she could be feeling some heavy stress and might be taking some of it out on you and other friends of hers.
I have told her so many times to stop telling me what to do and that I did not ask for her advice. And I am the one with the deaths and she is the one who said the horrible things about the deaths, which is part of the reason I stopped talking to her.
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If she's very honest, that's great, as having a true, honest friend goes a long way in life. But, speaking from experience, you have to know when to be brutal and when to sugar coat honesty. I bet she doesn't think how to say things or approach certain situations, because I have that trouble sometimes too.
I have told her that she uses honesty as a license to say whatever she wants, whenever she wants and she needs to learn the meaning of diplomacy. I understand the value of honesty, but I know how to get a message across honestly and with kindness at the same time. But then I have a background in this professionally. She does not. But she can read a book and is a smart person.
Not quite understanding this. You guys won't do emails or texts, so what? How do you think every single friendship for hundreds of thousands of years survived prior to the 90's, before these things were invented?
See each other in person or speak on the phone. Problem solved.
I refuse to argue and she is about arguing. We can't see each other in person. I do not understand why she just cannot send a durn email.
Recently a friend of hers of 40 years ended their friendship. The friend I refer to (the one in question here in this thread) went so far as to write her a letter and I even helped her write it. I sort of resent the fact I get a text and this other person gets a letter. I think I am worth a letter or an email. Kind of tells me where I was/am in the pecking order. Ok, so maybe that is what I am sort of ticked off about and I even told her this. Via email.
First, you need to decide if you want to even continue the friendship. There are a lot of mixed messages in your original post. If you find you DO want to continue the friendship, some compromise in medium of communication is in order.
My mom had a friend who moved away, and point-blank told my mom, "If you don't do e-mail, we won't be talking to one another. It's the only way I communicate with people." Well, my parents live on a remote farm where the only option at that point was dial-up internet, and it was very, very slow. My parents aren't IT-types, and the friendship just lapsed. To me, it's rather rigid to say, "You're my friend, but not if you don't use the same technology as I use."
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