Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,068,476 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimpy
You're damn right there is, it's just that most parents would NEVER admit it and many won't even consciously acknowledge it to themselves.
There is a web site out there, and I can't remember the URL but I'm sure you could find it pretty quickly if you're good with Google, it's titled "I Hate Being a Mom" or something to that effect. It's basically a bunch of women who go on there and vent anonymously about how having children was the worst decision they ever made. These aren't Susan Smith/Casey Anthony type moms either; I spent about an hour on there one day and it was obvious most of them were very dedicated and involved parents. Deep down though, they resented their children for turning out to be such brats and for being more trouble than they were worth. It was eye-opening, to say the least.
Most parents vent about their kids at least some of the time, and during moments of frustration they will say or feel they regretted the decision, but I think once you already have kids, and have passed along your DNA to another human being, it's pretty hard to feel no attachment to them.
Like you said, most of these mothers probably still love their children deep down. I don't doubt, though, there is a sizeable cachet of mums who have such an abiding resentment for their offspring that the little love they have is redundant.
Deep down, do you think most people love their children more than anyone else? More than their spouse, immediate family (parents, siblings) and most likely their closest friends or extended family?
I sometimes hear that the 'spouse should come before the children', exactly what that means I don't know, because divorce is so common but it's pretty uncommon for a parent to totally cut their child off from their lives. I suppose some parents 'disown' their children for whatever reason, but deep down it's harder to not love someone who is a part of you.
To me the idea of loving your children the same as your siblings and parents seems the most natural. I won't bring up any silly hypothetical 'who would you save if you HAD to' but I wonder if that's really the case with most people. I mean the very fact you have a responsibility for your children kind of makes them your number one priority. You can resent a parent who was abusive, unloving and resent a child who upset you for whatever reason but it's harder to totally cut your child out of your life. But if you're being honest, would you say your kids are still the most precious to you? Of course there's nothing wrong with saying one thing or another, but when my sister had her daughters I often wondered if she loved them more than us. I'm not jealous and would understand if she did, but deep down I do wonder. I'm not the type to force people to say their preference, but I thought it'd be revealing to see what views people have on the matter.
I don't think you actually love your children more than your spouse - more than your parents or siblings, yes.
When it comes to our children we are just more protective of them than our spouse or anyone else - which may come across as "loving them more" unintentionally.
The maternal bond is completely different than other types of familial love, and definitely different than romantic love. It's an apples/oranges thing, and you can't really put it on a continuum. The nurturing and protective love one carries instinctually for offspring isn't really the same as the supportive love and loyalty one has for a spouse or partner of one's choosing, for instance.
That said, there are some mothers who don't have much of a capacity for the maternal bond. Some have mental health issues or emotional problems, some just aren't nice people, and didn't particularly choose to have kids 100% on their own. But for most mentally and emotionally stable mothers who became mothers because they wanted to become mothers, the capacity to bond is there...it's how nature works.
Some really unhealthy people become parents, and they may not have the ability to bond with their kids. When you read or hear about women who allow the men in their lives to beat or otherwise abuse their kids, because they are unhealthily obsessed with maintaining the attention of a man to the point where they are willing to endanger their kids, you're looking at women who are mentally/emotionally unstable. One of my childhood best friends was severely abused by her father while her mother looked the other way, because she was so unhealthily dependent upon keeping her man in in her life. She would even blame the kids for "chasing their father away." Obviously, this is pretty sick. For healthy people, there isn't a hierarchy of who you love more, romantic partner or your children, because the two bonds aren't on the same continuum and it shouldn't be a competition. For messed up people, it might be.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,007,791 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
I don't think you actually love your children more than your spouse - more than your parents or siblings, yes.
When it comes to our children we are just more protective of them than our spouse or anyone else - which may come across as "loving them more" unintentionally.
I think some do. Some make their spouse take a back seat to their children. Those are parents with children who learn quickly to manipulate and pit the parents against one another.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,068,476 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
I don't think you actually love your children more than your spouse - more than your parents or siblings, yes.
When it comes to our children we are just more protective of them than our spouse or anyone else - which may come across as "loving them more" unintentionally.
Haven't seen anyone 'divorce' their children, lol. Most parents seem to care more for their kids than their spouses.
It's funny because I always saw the bond between blood relatives as stronger than the bond between spouses, at least at the deep level. I'm sure many see it differently.
there isnt even a moment of thought. i love my child more than anyone else in the world. yes more than my husband--who i do love, more than parents, more than my sibling,--anyone. he is the one i love most by a long shot. i hope to have more children and i know that THEN i will love equally.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,007,791 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trimac20
Haven't seen anyone 'divorce' their children, lol. Most parents seem to care more for their kids than their spouses.
It's funny because I always saw the bond between blood relatives as stronger as the bond between spouses, at least at the deep level.
And that's sad. I heard it put like this once, paraphrased; that your children whom you'd most likely die for if you had to, are but guests in your home. You raise them, love them, nurture them, and send them on their way. Your spouse is forever--if you do it right. You put them first and together, you put the children first.
You're describing conditional love; I'll love you if; you're good....well behaved....get good grades.... I suppose some parents are like that but most parents love their children unconditionally. That doesn't mean they approve of their misbehavings and such. But true love isn't conditional.
exactly--you love them despite their shortcomings, not because of their attributes.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
