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I think you're both right. Maybe the better question is, how do you help someone get back to 'themselves'? At least open their eyes to the fact that the reason for their bitterness is gone.
The thing is the reason is not this specific person; the reason is the disillusionment in relationships in general. The last person just happens to be the last straw.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Originally Posted by Liberty2011
Is this person trying to get back to "themselves" so you're trying to help them? Did you know them prior to the marriage?
If they are the one initiating it, support them with what they talk about and try to steer it in a positive direction if you see them going the negative route. If they aren't the one initiating it and you just see them in a "dark place", you can work on positives, but there may not be much you can do. You can't want something for them that they don't want themselves.
I'm divorced and I am so much lighter and happier and feel more myself again, since all the crap and stress in my marriage is gone now. However, on my journey back to me, I've struggled a bit with abandonment issues, and insecurities (he cheated). But I have actively worked on it and am conscious of it, maybe hyper-aware sometimes, but I don't want to transfer any of those issues onto my new SO.
They're verbalizing they want to just be themselves but their actions suggest their thinking is clouded by depression and unhappiness, trying to distance themselves in the marriage. They're trying to stick it out til their youngest is on his feet and out of the house but it's getting harder and harder. I can't bring myself to make suggestions because if what I suggest turns out to be wrong, I'd feel responsible.
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Originally Posted by FlyiMetro
Get it back?? Why would a man want to go through those problems again? I think generalizing is the best route to take. One most assume that every woman who is not blood family is out to get you or ruin your life in some form or faction. If you go back to the old you it will only set you up for more failure. There is nothing wrong with being angry, bitter & hardened as long as others around you cant see it, then you will be fine. If you are pleasant on the outside, people will still like you in my opinion.
I used to feel that way about anger but I don't believe it now. To quote Florence Scovel Shinn in The Wisdom of...,
Quote:
Anger blurs the visions, poisons the blood, is the root of many diseases, and causes wrong decision leading to failure. ....it's reaction is so harmful.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Originally Posted by sierraAZ
The thing is the reason is not this specific person; the reason is the disillusionment in relationships in general. The last person just happens to be the last straw.
I see your point. Expectations too high? Unrealistic?
I think you're both right. Maybe the better question is, how do you help someone get back to 'themselves'? At least open their eyes to the fact that the reason for their bitterness is gone.
You can't. They have to have the emotional health and maturity to open their own eyes. First, they have to acknowledge that not all people are the same. That takes effort. It's much easier to generalize.
Second, a failed marriage is as much their fault as their ex's. As long as they either blame their ex or beat themselves up--as long as there is no forgiveness--there is nothing you can do.
All depends on the individual. Of course the longer they remained in that situation, the longer it may take for them to come around if ever.
If you're dealing with a mature, well balanced, and open-minded person, then there is a better chance they will be able to put the past behind them and move forward.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Originally Posted by Yzette
You can't. They have to have the emotional health and maturity to open their own eyes. First, they have to acknowledge that not all people are the same. That takes effort. It's much easier to generalize.
Second, a failed marriage is as much their fault as their ex's. As long as they either blame their ex or beat themselves up--as long as there is no forgiveness--there is nothing you can do.
I agree to a point. But I feel we're all here to teach each other somehow and there's always someone who can reach you somehow; someone who can say that one thing that will make everything just click for you.
This person blames themselves for the failure of the marriage but from the facts given me, it's as you say, both are responsible.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68
All depends on the individual. Of course the longer they remained in that situation, the longer it may take for them to come around if ever.
If you're dealing with a mature, well balanced, and open-minded person, then there is a better chance they will be able to put the past behind them and move forward.
Makes sense. But I think even mature, well balanced, open-minded individuals can have one aspect of their lives from which it's more difficult to bounce back, a weak spot for them. For instance, some not only survive sexual abuse, but rise above it, while others take their lives over it. Some are crushed by the death of a loved one while others are made stronger by their memory. Same with love and relationships, some perfectly well adjusted people can find their weak link here. But it doesn't have to remain that way, imo. I just don't have the answers for fixing it. I guess if I did I'd write book
You can't. They have to have the emotional health and maturity to open their own eyes. First, they have to acknowledge that not all people are the same. That takes effort. It's much easier to generalize.
Second, a failed marriage is as much their fault as their ex's. As long as they either blame their ex or beat themselves up--as long as there is no forgiveness--there is nothing you can do.
I don't buy it. Fault is never 50/50. There is always an imbalance in any relationship. One will always want it to work more than the other at any given time.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Originally Posted by Texabama
I don't buy it. Fault is never 50/50. There is always an imbalance in any relationship. One will always want it to work more than the other at any given time.
In this particular case, it appears--as an outsider looking in--that neither ever wanted it to work for long. Sadly, they both settled, and though they knew it, went ahead with it anyway. I think it was their ages.
Btw, this isn't about just one situation. One more than others, but I know several couples who are unhappily married. Most think they're hiding it from us--their friends. Nope.
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