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It is really not that difficult to handle the situation so it doesn't play out the way you seem to think it always will:
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing"
"Ok, but I hope you'll let me know if I can help or if you want to talk about it"
(Later)
"Are you feeling better?"
Either that or, "Suit yourself. I'm off to watch the game at the sports bar!" That way, you can always count on her being in a much better frame of mind upon your return. I guarantee it.
"Nothing's the matter" = "Something's the matter but I'm not going to tell you until you drag it out of me." Appropriate guy reaction? "Well, something's obviously the matter. And I'm not a mind reader. So help me out here."
"It's fine." = "It's definitely not fine." Appropriate guy reaction? "Well, something's obviously the matter. And I'm not a mind reader. So help me out here."
"Do what you want." = "Do what you want. But have sheets and pillows ready for your night on the couch." Appropriate guy reaction? It really depends. Are you skipping her birthday to head down to the strip club? Might want to rethink that. If, on the other hand, you planned for weeks in advance to watch The Super Bowl with friends, then call her on it. But still plan on sleeping on the couch.
"I don't care." = "I do care." Appropriate guy reaction? "Okay. What do you want to do?"
"Whatever." = "My God, you're such a clueless idiot. Do you ever think about anyone besides yourself?" Appropriate guy reaction? I have no clue. There's no good way to handle "Whatever."
This guide may have applied to me 10 years ago.
Fortunately I learned to say exactly what I think now. If something is pissing me off, trust me, he will know it. He never has to wonder "what's wrong".
Is this really only restricted to girls? Because I'm guilty of all these things listed....
Honey, that you?
All joking aside, here's something the gents might want to keep in mind: Don't ask if you don't want to know or can't handle honesty.
I know I'm not alone in having the unfortunate experience of answering, "What's wrong?" with an honest answer, only to have my concerns diminished, belittled, or rebutted. When a man does that to a woman, it will not end well for the man, especially with a woman like me--one who has no use for drama and therefore picks her battles very carefully and doesn't sweat the small stuff. If I'm annoyed at or unhappy with you, there is a VERY BIG REASON why. Listen to it and take it seriously, or the next step for me is to stop talking to you about my concerns, which is the step right before the one where you watch me leave.
Had this happen to me before. Picked her up and on our way to a restaurant I talked to her as we usually did. But she was just quiet and looking away outside the window. I continued talking and all she would come up with was short grunts “mmmh…uh huh…mmmhh†so I asked if she was ok and she gave me the typical act saying everything was fine. A few seconds of silence and I asked about something she was working on and, same thing “mmmhh…uh huh…mmmmhhâ€. I asked if she was feeling ok and “…everything is fine, ok?†with an attitude. On the next stop light I made a U-turn and headed back to her place. When she saw we were going back to her place that’s when all of a sudden she started talking non-stop “Wait a minute! What are you doing?! Hey! Aren’t we going to eat?! Hey!? What’s wrong with you?!†Stopped the car and told her nicely that if we went out that way all we would do was spoil each others’ day and how I rather go out when she feels better. She started crying and telling me what she was going through, which was no big deal really. We relaxed for a few minutes in the car and off we went again to eat but this time without her dramas.
Every guy knows what I'm talking about. You've probably had a girl at some point in your life who is very obviously upset about something, and when you ask her about it she says everything's fine.
You then either keep pressing the question and she flips out at you, or you shrug it off because she DID say she was fine, and she blows up at you a few hours later saying you never care about her emotions.
Why the hell does that happen? If a person is upset they should just talk about it, or not act hurt when they say they're fine and people take their word for it.
Nowadays when someone tells me they're "fine" and I know differently, I always remember what an old counselor told us it meant back when I went throuogh rehab at Sierra Tucson eight years ago:
"When an addict or alcoholic tells you they're "fine," he'd explain, "it usually stands for eFfed-up; Insecure; Neurotic; and Emotional."
Last edited by DrummerBoy; 11-07-2011 at 04:05 PM..
All joking aside, here's something the gents might want to keep in mind: Don't ask if you don't want to know or can't handle honesty.
I know I'm not alone in having the unfortunate experience of answering, "What's wrong?" with an honest answer, only to have my concerns diminished, belittled, or rebutted. When a man does that to a woman, it will not end well for the man, especially with a woman like me--one who has no use for drama and therefore picks her battles very carefully and doesn't sweat the small stuff. If I'm annoyed at or unhappy with you, there is a VERY BIG REASON why. Listen to it and take it seriously, or the next step for me is to stop talking to you about my concerns, which is the step right before the one where you watch me leave.
So you would rather be a seething mass of petty resentments rather than honestly discuss what's bothering you? As far as drama is concerned, it's not like there's no alternative to either clamming up or flinging dinner plates. It's quite possible to simply say in a calm tone of voice, "You may not realize this, but this is how I feel when...." Ordinary, rational people manage to find a way to discuss a different point of view or disagreements. Because compromise is the stuff that makes good marriages work.
However, I do agree with you that, as far as having your concerns belittled or diminished on a continuous basis, you really need to decide what kind of person you are involved with in the first place, and how you intend to deal with it in a way that doesn't constitute rolling over.
Every guy knows what I'm talking about. You've probably had a girl at some point in your life who is very obviously upset about something, and when you ask her about it she says everything's fine.
You then either keep pressing the question and she flips out at you, or you shrug it off because she DID say she was fine, and she blows up at you a few hours later saying you never care about her emotions.
Why the hell does that happen? If a person is upset they should just talk about it, or not act hurt when they say they're fine and people take their word for it.
This following video crossed my mind while reading your OP.
"Never be too disturbed if you don't understand what a woman is thinking. They don't do it very often".
This is how...even the sweetest of men, view us women most of the time.
One of the reasons that I used to do this was because my ex thought we fought too much - so when I was upset about something, I felt like I had to hold it in and not tell him about it. It was a real struggle for me since I usually can't keep anything inside. As you can tell - this wasn't the best way to go about a relationship!!!
Now when I do this - it's usually for a few reasons.
1-I'm upset but I feel like I shouldn't be upset so I'm trying to talk myself out of being upset but it's not working. Usually my husband will keep hounding me until we talk about it and sort everything out.
2-My husband really should know why I'm upset and I'm waiting for an apology. Usually, he does know why I'm upset and he knows that he owes me an apology but he's not ready to give it to me yet and he's playing dumb.
3-I'm very upset but can't sort everything out in my head yet so I'm not ready to talk about it.
It sounds like some people have some of the same reasons for doing this as I do. The thing is - if you are in love with someone and you are with the right person - you will be willing to but in the effort even when your SO annoys you like this. If it's not the right person - then it probably isn't worth it. When I do this - my husband probably gets annoyed but he loves me and thinks I'm worth it. My husband has his own things that he does that drive me crazy - but I love him. He's worth it.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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If someone can't read body language/emotions then that is their problem. If a girl says 'fine' but her manner/behaviour isn't matching her words, then fellas, put 2 and 2 together. Women do value a man who is emotionally 'in-touch' with her. If she is too tight-lipped about it, just give her time while still appearing to care.
I think some men are also just insensitive/not very understanding, so if something is bothering a woman she might not want to actually tell him.
"Never be too disturbed if you don't understand what a woman is thinking. They don't do it very often".
This is how...even the sweetest of men, view us women most of the time.
Both genders stereotype the other as being brainless and stupid. They're right, though...most men and women are pretty dumb. People are pretty dumb.
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This following video crossed my mind while reading your OP.
