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But some people DO talk to their spouse or S.O. about it, and nothing changes. What happens next? Divorce?
"Till death us do part" is hammered into us when we marry, with reasons for divorce being very narrow and well-defined. Cheating is breaking the marriage vow. But no one commonly refers to alcoholism, chronic gambling or physical/mental abuse as breaking a vow, when in fact all of these things are. That descriptor seems to be reserved only for stepping out on one's mate. Why is that, d'you think?
I suspect that a lot of people who cheat in their marriages have had a spouse who broke his or her vows first. Just not the vow of fidelity.
You walk IF you spouse or So doesn't feel or doesn't want to talk then yes you walk. Same with any type of abuse if they don't love said person enough to get help then it's time to leave. More then likey because the OP has been cheating on.
My wife and I had been drifting apart the last 2-3 years. Last week I put two and two together after her telling me how unhappy she was. She had built a serious relationship outside our home and intended on going that route. After a week of 100% attention and some serious talking we are trying to work things out. I have taken a deep inventory of my personal being and our relationship and I hope things get better with time. However the two of them are still exchanging dialogue both voice and text claiming she's breaking it off and he's deparate and begging for her not to leave him.
Crappy situation but it is what it is. I love her, and I've promised to change my ways... now if the guy would just get the hint and stop calling and texting her. She is sorry to have dragged him into the situation, and she does have feelings(?) for him. Shes afraid to hurt him, more to the story...
*Breath deep*
Honestly, I don't think your marriage is going to withstand this. She could put a stop to his calling and texting, but she chooses not to do so. And if she loved and respected you, she wouldn't be afraid to hurt him. She's just do it. If she really wants to work it out, she should immediately cease all contact with him, no exceptions.
But some people DO talk to their spouse or S.O. about it, and nothing changes. What happens next? Divorce?
"Till death us do part" is hammered into us when we marry, with reasons for divorce being very narrow and well-defined. Cheating is breaking the marriage vow. But no one commonly refers to alcoholism, chronic gambling or physical/mental abuse as breaking a vow, when in fact all of these things are. That descriptor seems to be reserved only for stepping out on one's mate. Why is that, d'you think?
I suspect that a lot of people who cheat in their marriages have had a spouse who broke his or her vows first. Just not the vow of fidelity.
But getting a divorce is still better than cheating. There will be no mistake that it's over with a divorce.
But getting a divorce is still better than cheating. There will be no mistake that it's over with a divorce.
I like to think — and maybe I'm wrong about this — that a marriage doesn't necessarily have to end after one of the spouses cheats. Especially if it were a one-night stand. More marriages probably will end, however.
I know of one couple whose marriage withstood a cheating situation (she cheated the first year of their marriage), and they're still together today, after 20 years. Color me gobsmacked.
You know, the easy thing to do is to hammer away at people for their manifest character flaws, but I think the reasons are a lot more complicated.
Bad character is a given in many cases, and is the easy answer. But I don't think all people who cheat are terrible individuals. There are those whose marriages are horrible, who are in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person, and the predictable thing happens. I think what they do is wrong without question, but there are select people with whom I would at least empathize. Heck, my erstwhile next-door-neighbor is a bitter, joyless, self-absorbed harpy. Her husband was a good guy who worked his ass off and was the quintessential family man. Yet nothing was good enough for her. Many is the time when I would listen to her berate him while he was doing yard work after pulling a sixty-hour week at his business and think, "Good God, man. I wouldn't put up with that for a solitary second."
Finally, one day, he snapped and had an affair with his administrative assistant. When my wife, who is pretty black-and-white, even puritanical, about such matters has nothing more to say about it than, "Well, I wonder what the hell took George so long," then you know there was some major backstory leading up to this. Yet, five years later, the woman in question is STILL ranting on about being the affronted party, never wondering what she might have done to drive the guy away.
Here's my point, and it's one that's always hotly debated on this board. I've never cheated and cannot imagine a situation where I would. At the same time, 99% of the people who walk down the aisle and say "I do" cannot imagine cheating on their spouses either. Almost everybody who takes their vows believes that they are going to be faithful until death do they part. Yet I personally believe that anybody is capable of it if they're in the wrong place with the wrong person with the right amount of alcohol or whatever else. To sputter and say, "Well, not me," is a bit of moral vanity in my opinion.
I mean, none of us would dream of stealing either, but if natural disaster hit your town and relief hadn't arrived after a week, I'm betting that we'd all be looting the local grocery store to feed ourselves and/or our families. The key, then, is to never put oneself in the situation where you'd cheat in the first place.
YES.
You have to put up with neglect, disrespect, lack of support...but pull out the cheating card and it's immediately the worst thing ever.
You vow a LOT of things.
That's because cheating is cowardly and immoral. Cheating is not about the other party, it's about the cheater. I never trust someone that says they would not cheat because they could not do that to their spouse. I only trust people that say they would not cheat because it's wrong and they would be ashamed of themselves. If you feel neglected then tell your spouse and attempt to fix it. If you instead choose to cheat, it's about you not them.
That's because cheating is cowardly and immoral. Cheating is not about the other party, it's about the cheater. I never trust someone that says they would not cheat because they could not do that to their spouse. I only trust people that say they would not cheat because it's wrong and they would be ashamed of themselves. If you feel neglected then tell your spouse and attempt to fix it. If you instead choose to cheat, it's about you not them.
Neglecting is about the neglecter (word?).
Abuse is about the abuser.
Disrespect is about the disrespecter.
My point is not that you are excused from cheating if people do this to you. My point is that people ROUTINELY are rude, disrespectful, unsupportive, and neglectful in their relationships but for some reason, those things aren't as bad as cheating and we put up with it all the time. But the fact is that those things are just as big a violation of your vows as cheating.
I think people pick cheating as a deal breaker because it more violates the sense of ownership and is embarrassing...
Neglecting is about the neglecter (word?).
Abuse is about the abuser.
Disrespect is about the disrespecter.
My point is not that you are excused from cheating if people do this to you. My point is that people ROUTINELY are rude, disrespectful, unsupportive, and neglectful in their relationships but for some reason, those things aren't as bad as cheating and we put up with it all the time. But the fact is that those things are just as big a violation of your vows as cheating.
I think people pick cheating as a deal breaker because it more violates the sense of ownership and is embarrassing...
The response to the neglector, abuser, or disrespecter is to leave them so that you are no longer a victim. Cheating does nothing to fix any of those things. You are still a victim of all those things.
I do agree with you that the others are looked at differntly. But I think because some of them are more gray. I'm sure I've disrespected my wife before. I'm sure I've felt disrespected by her. That is not gounds for cheating. And cheating does nothing to fix the disrespect. If someone was being abused and thus cheated I think they would be looked at with more sympathy. But once again why not leave to avoid the abuse?
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She is sorry to have dragged him into the situation, and she does have feelings(?) for him. Shes afraid to hurt him, more to the story...
