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I can not get over my boyfriends past. He tried to bond with me when he didn't know me very well and would constantly bring up his exes. I know detailed stories about his exes and his interactions with them. They were mostly negative and he swore that he only did it because he thought it was the mature thing to not deny our pasts. He specifically decided to tell me because I was different from the rest and thought it was important for me to know. However, as I do in all relationships, I have obsessed over my ex's pasts before, and I don't know why I do it, and this was a horrible foundation for us to begin our relationship on. Even though he treats me like a princess, and does anything he can to prove that he loves me to me, our families, and the rest of the world, I don't feel that it's genuine. He also had something he had to end when we began dating, and asked if we could not post anything publicly so that she wouldn't find out. Even though I was doing something similar and thought it was a good idea for me as well, I remember it as him disrespecting me. He only wants me to be happy and can't change the past, so I really want to make it work. Every day we fight because I think of the past and the details he gave me and I start asking for more and then questioning his actions with his ex. They have nothing to do with me. Why do I care? How can I get over it? Please help me...
I don't think this relationship will last. You already made your mind, and you know your obsession. You need to work on your confidence. You may want to explore counselling to discuss why you feel like this. Especially if this has been a problem in past relationships or friendships. Counselling can also help you focus on coping strategies so you can overcome these obsessive thoughts and the feelings that go with them.
It's a simple choice: you either give it a real shot (judging him on what he does only with you and how he treats you or makes you feel) or end the relationship now.
It isn't going to work while you are in this state. It's going to wear both of you out sooner rather than later.
One of my daughters is like you.
She to this day is driven mad by her husband's exes because they were such pathetic cases.
The one right before her was a stripper who was bipolar and had a bastard child and kept the house a wreck. Now the child is aged 8 and is in foster care.
It bothers my daughter that his standards were so low. Makes her think he'd be with almost anybody.
Knowing him, he would and she is right. He's an excellent provider but really emotionally wrecked. My daughter is no prize either though, in the emotional stability dept.
She still gives hinm crap about his crappy exes. Their relationship kinda sucks in general though.
What is it about the exes that bothers you?
Last edited by VexedAndSolitary; 12-30-2015 at 06:07 PM..
I can not get over my boyfriends past. He tried to bond with me when he didn't know me very well and would constantly bring up his exes. I know detailed stories about his exes and his interactions with them. They were mostly negative and he swore that he only did it because he thought it was the mature thing to not deny our pasts. He specifically decided to tell me because I was different from the rest and thought it was important for me to know. However, as I do in all relationships, I have obsessed over my ex's pasts before, and I don't know why I do it, and this was a horrible foundation for us to begin our relationship on. Even though he treats me like a princess, and does anything he can to prove that he loves me to me, our families, and the rest of the world, I don't feel that it's genuine. He also had something he had to end when we began dating, and asked if we could not post anything publicly so that she wouldn't find out. Even though I was doing something similar and thought it was a good idea for me as well, I remember it as him disrespecting me. He only wants me to be happy and can't change the past, so I really want to make it work. Every day we fight because I think of the past and the details he gave me and I start asking for more and then questioning his actions with his ex. They have nothing to do with me. Why do I care? How can I get over it? Please help me...
I understand his point about not denying the past; however, in my experience I found that it's really tough on relationships to bring up past relationships so it is best to just not talk about them. The past is past; if someone really is not that person anymore (if it was not a good past; speaking of denying it implies that it wasn't) then not talking about it is really not going to make a difference in the current relationship. If it wasn't anything bad, it still doesn't serve any point to bring up past relationships.
I'd quit your relationship now. You don't sound ready for it. You sound like you'd be happier with a guy who had no past. Find some guy who's a virgin, and never had a gf. Sounds like you'd prefer some guy like that. I'm not saying you're in error here. Many people would agree with you, including me. Lots of people have a past that is a red flag waving stay away from me. There's all kinds of guys on the internet saying they don't want women who have had lots of different lovers, one night stands etc. Good luck to you.
Did you ask him, as in "Tell me everything about yourself". Otherwise, he showed a side of himself that is pretty inwardly focused.
Why do you continue to ask him about the past? It only makes you want to reject him. Perhaps that is what your subconscious part wants, like an invisible big bird on your shoulder saying to you "WE should get rid of him". Note the "WE".
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