Help with a Potential Closeted Gay Stalker (dating, wife, how to)

[buttlerfly11]

I live in Orlando, Florida. I am a gay man in my mid thirties, single, professional, conservative and discreet appearance. I am 100% out of the closet. I am looking for a committed relationship. The dating scenario among gays is challenging. It’s really difficult to find a guy who wants a committed relationship.

I have no fear of disclosing my sexual orientation if someone asks me. I have no fear if I have to publicly defend any injustice against gays. However, my natural personality is conservative, a next door kind of guy. Many people have doubted my homosexuality (particularly women) until I honestly admit it.

I live alone in a multi-unit complex. This community has, at least, 7 registered sexual offenders living on property and, at least, 1 resident serving probation for a serious felony. This part of town is considered as an area with high criminal activity. My rent is cheaper than the average for this entire metro area and utilities are included in rent. I have been living in this neighborhood for two years without any major problem. Security in this community has been variable. There have been times when the neighborhood has been quieter than other times. I had been reluctant to complaint, but recently I sent a written complaint to the new management company about allowing people with criminal cases to live here.

In my opinion, the police just come to this complex in very extreme cases or when they just need to positively influence the public's perception about their performance... only to keep their statistics in good shape. I just avoid getting too close with neighbors and getting out late at night. I want to move to a better neighborhood, but I am limited by two circumstances: (a) I don’t have a car, and (b) a limited budget. In spite of the bad fame of this area, it is very urbanized, highly commercial and convenient for public bus (5 different buses run around here).

THE ISSUE HERE IS…
As I mentioned before, I avoid getting too close with my neighbors because of this kind of area. But I don’t like either to reject others by appearances. A Sunday morning, when I was still new to this neighborhood, I was waiting at the bus stop on my way to a nearby Catholic church.

I met a man in his low 50s, well dressed, nice physical appearance who was also on his way to the same church. We talked lightly while on the bus and he seated next to me once we got to the church. He told me that he lives alone, is disabled and just live from SSI and Food Stamps. He also mentioned that his wife and children live out of state.

We shared phone numbers. Seducing closeted or heterosexual guys is not my dish. I don’t need that. There is a big difference between being closeted and being discreet. HE IS CLOSETED... HIS IS REPRESSED. I don't like closeted or repressed guys because they usually try to use their "manhood" as a domination and manipulation tool to take advantage economically and emotionally of a single gay man.

However, in this case I made an exception given the circumstances in which we met. To make the long story short, we had sexual contact and he was the first who made the sexual advance. I honestly like this man, but over the course of time I have detected some concerning behaviors, which may be indicative of a potential stalker or a criminal.

In first place, I noticed that he was watching carefully everything I have in my apartment. My apartment is simple, no luxuries but nice kept. In second place, it seems like he has many repressed sexual urges and has not found a healthy and honest way to deal with it. In other words, he is closeted and behaves with me like a sexual maniac without a clinical diagnosis.

In third place, he apparently has too much free time without engaging in anything productive like volunteer work or something else which can prevents him from falling into addictions or any other kind of criminal behavior. There are definitively some hints that tell me anything is wrong with him. I’m aware that a person with such behavior doesn’t have anything good to offer to a love relationship or a friendship.I’m not going to this church anymore. I avoid any contact with him.

He has my phone number. The following days after we had sex by first time, he came to my door without notice. I opened the door and told him to first call me because I was preparing to leave for work. He asked me for my work schedule and I gave him a wrong schedule on purpose. So the following time he called me, I gave him an excuse to avoid another encounter. Then, I simply didn’t answer or reply his calls. Well… he finally got the hint and stopped calling and coming to my door. NICE FOR NOW!

My work assignment changed and I’m now working from home (telecommuting). I’m not going to the same church anymore. I’m avoiding any contact with this individual. However, we recently coincided in the building hallway short time ago. I inevitably greeted him in a not effusive way just to be polite without any sexual meaning. He replied the greeting and both followed our separate ways.

After just this simple greeting, during the past two weeks, he has been coming to my door everyday without notice. I don’t open the open the door, but watch by the door peephole. He looks around carefully while knocking at my door. If someone is nearby, he stops and leaves.

I am upset and afraid at the same time. I believe that he could become aggressive if I try to confront him in front of others because he has been used to keep a double moral life and a “macho” image. I haven’t developed a close relationship with anyone in this community with whom I can trust this. I’m afraid that nobody will believe my story because of his image as very religious and heterosexual.

In addition, having a social life social to meet new people alike in a healthier environment is limited for me because I don’t have a car. I have tried the church… but this is what I found. I didn’t ask for this and I don’t deserve it. I’ve read that filing a police report could be counterproductive because it can turns into violence.

I know that I need to leave this neighborhood, but for now I need to know what I can do without turning this in a version of Jerry Springer’s show. I will appreciate your suggestions please. I’m in fear about my security.

[CarolinaWoman]

I don't think this post needs to be in the True Crime forum ... you will receive better replies over in the Relationships Forums. The only thing I can tell you ... go out and buy a gun ... a Glock or Beretta ... enroll in a class and obtain a Florida Concealed Carry permit.

[buttlerfly11]

Note: I first placed this post in the "True Crime" thread and someone there suggested that it should be placed here instead. Whenever it should belongs to, I leave this to moderators' consideration. I will appreciate that moderators do not delete both, but keep one of them in the most appropriate threat. Thank you!

OK THIS IS MY CASE...
I live in Orlando, Florida. I am a gay man in my mid thirties, single, professional, conservative and discreet appearance. I am 100% out of the closet. I am looking for a committed relationship. The dating scenario among gays is challenging. It’s really difficult to find a guy who wants a committed relationship.

I have no fear of disclosing my sexual orientation if someone asks me. I have no fear if I have to publicly defend any injustice against gays. However, my natural personality is conservative, a next door kind of guy. Many people have doubted my homosexuality (particularly women) until I honestly admit it.

I live alone in a multi-unit complex. This community has, at least, 7 registered sexual offenders living on property and, at least, 1 resident serving probation for a serious felony. This part of town is considered as an area with high criminal activity. My rent is cheaper than the average for this entire metro area and utilities are included in rent. I have been living in this neighborhood for two years without any major problem. Security in this community has been variable. Criminal activity has been fluctuating, but constant. I had been reluctant to complaint, but I recently sent a written complaint to the new management about the ongoing practice of allowing people with criminal cases to live here.

In my opinion, the police just come to this complex in very extreme cases or when they just need to positively influence the public's perception about their performance... only to keep their statistics in good shape. I just avoid getting too close with neighbors and getting out late at night. I want to move to a better neighborhood, but I am limited by two circumstances: (a) I don’t have a car, and (b) a limited budget. In spite of the bad fame of this area, it is very urbanized, highly commercial and convenient for public bus (5 different buses run around here).

THE ISSUE HERE IS…
As I mentioned before, I avoid getting too close with my neighbors because of this kind of area. But I don’t like either to reject others by appearances. A Sunday morning, when I was still new to this neighborhood, I was waiting at the bus stop on my way to a nearby Catholic church.

I met a man in his low 50s, well dressed, nice physical appearance who was also on his way to the same church. We talked lightly while on the bus and he seated next to me once we got to the church. He told me that he lives alone, is disabled and just live from government assistance. He also mentioned that his wife and children live out of state.

We shared phone numbers. I want to emphasize that seducing closeted or heterosexual guys is not my cup of tea. I don’t need that. There is a big difference between being closeted and being discreet. HE IS CLOSETED... HIS IS REPRESSED. Closeted or repressed guys usually try to use their "manhood" as a domination and manipulation tool to take advantage economically and emotionally of a single gay man.

However, in this case I made an exception because I met him while going to the church. To make the long story short, we had sexual contact and he was the first who made the sexual advance. I honestly like this man, but over the course of time I have detected some concerning behaviors, which may be indicative of a potential stalker or a criminal.

In first place, I noticed that he was watching carefully everything I have in my apartment. My apartment is simple, no luxuries but nice kept. In second place, it seems like he has many repressed sexual urges and has not found a healthy and honest way to deal with it. In other words, he is closeted and behaves with me like a sexual maniac without a clinical diagnosis.

In third place, he apparently has too much free time without engaging in anything productive like volunteer work or something else which can prevents him from falling into addictions or any other kind of criminal behavior. There are definitively some hints that tell me anything is wrong with him. I’m aware that a person with such behavior doesn’t have anything good to offer to a love relationship or a friendship.I’m not going to this church anymore. I avoid any contact with him.

He has my phone number. The following days after we had sex by first time, he came to my door without notice. I opened the door and told him to first call me because I was preparing to leave for work. He asked me for my work schedule and I gave him a wrong schedule on purpose. So the following time he called me, I gave him an excuse to avoid another encounter. Then, I simply didn’t answer or reply his calls. Well… he finally got the hint and stopped calling and coming to my door. NICE FOR NOW!

My work assignment changed and I’m now working from home (telecommuting). I’m not going to the same church anymore. I’m avoiding any contact with this individual. However, we recently coincided in the building hallway short time ago. I inevitably greeted him in a not effusive way just to be polite without any sexual meaning. He replied the greeting and both followed our separate ways.

After just this simple greeting, during the past two weeks, he has been coming to my door everyday without notice. I don’t open the open the door, but watch by the door peephole. He looks around carefully while knocking at my door. If someone is nearby, he stops and leaves.

I am upset and afraid at the same time. I believe that he could become aggressive if I try to confront him in front of others because he has been used to keep a double moral life and a “macho” image. I haven’t developed a close relationship with anyone in this community with whom I can trust this. I’m afraid that nobody will believe my story because of his image as very religious and heterosexual.

Given my limitations with transportation, I'm attempting to meet new people in conventional places out of the alcohol and drug scene of the nightlife. I'm not attending church just to find a partner, but I don't close my mind to that option. Who knows? However, I'm frustrated with what I've found. I didn’t ask for this and I don’t deserve it. I’ve read that filing a police report could be counterproductive because it can turns into violence.

I know that I need to leave this neighborhood, but for now I need to know what I can do without turning this in a replay of a Jerry Springer’s show. I will appreciate your suggestions please. I’m in fear about my security.

[Trimac20]

I hope this won't end in violence, but I would just confront him and firmly tell him to stop doing what he's doing. Alert your neighbours about the strange man, and tell them everything. Goes without saying always keep your apartment well secured. When you move make sure you don't leave a trail.

He could just be really lonely or something but you're smart not to take any chances. Stalking can often lead to something more.

[yellow4yield]

I don't think you have any personal safety issues to worry about with this guy. Although it may seem scary to you.

I think he just has years of pent up sexual frustration and you are the only person he has found.

He needs to learn how he can meet other men. Craigslist.org (personals) is the place for that. Perhaps you can tell him about that?

And if he does not have a computer nor know how to use one, local libraries have them and may have classes on the basics.

As for your not wanting to have anymore to do with him, you need to TELL him that! Don't hint around. Simply tell him you don't want to see him anymore.

And if you tell him you don't want to see him anymore and tell him you don't want him knocking on your door anymore. And he continues to do that. Or if you have trouble telling him these things, you can get "assertiveness training" from your local mental health department.

Assertiveness is...

He knocks on your door. You open the door and say...

I don't want to see you anymore. I don't want you knocking on my door anymore.

If he argues (begs, pleads) with you, say...

I don't want to see you anymore. I don't want you knocking on my door anymore.

If he still argues, say...

I don't want to see you anymore. I don't want you knocking on my door anymore.

(Just repeat the same exact thing over and over. It works like magic!)

If that does not work, call the police. There is a limit to how much you should put up with. But I think there is a good chance he will stop coming over if you just tell him you don't want to see him anymore.

[Trimac20]

Originally Posted by yellow4yield

I don't think you have any personal safety issues to worry about with this guy. Although it may seem scary to you.

I think he just has years of pent up sexual frustration and you are the only person he has found.

He needs to learn how he can meet other men. Craigslist.org (personals) is the place for that. Perhaps you can tell him about that?

And if he does not have a computer nor know how to use one, local libraries have them and may have classes on the basics.

As for your not wanting to have anymore to do with him, you need to TELL him that! Don't hint around. Simply tell him you don't want to see him anymore.

And if you tell him you don't want to see him anymore and tell him you don't want him knocking on your door anymore. And he continues to do that. Or if you have trouble telling him these things, you can get "assertiveness training" from your local mental health department.

Assertiveness is...

He knocks on your door. You open the door and say...

I don't want to see you anymore. I don't want you knocking on my door anymore.

If he argues (begs, pleads) with you, say...

I don't want to see you anymore. I don't want you knocking on my door anymore.

If he still argues, say...

I don't want to see you anymore. I don't want you knocking on my door anymore.

(Just repeat the same exact thing over and over. It works like magic!)

If that does not work, call the police. There is a limit to how much you should put up with. But I think there is a good chance he will stop coming over if you just tell him you don't want to see him anymore.

then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your door down!

[MissLucky]

I just hope you used condoms with this guy. Honestly.

[barkomatic]

Since you talked to him for awhile and had sexual contact, he probably thinks its ok to do what he is doing so that is why you have to talk to him. As the others have said, you need to stop hiding in your apartment when he knocks on your door and answer it. Tell him very clearly you don't want to see him again and to stop coming by. If you are really afraid, tell him through the door without opening it.

[JanND]

Move, this seems like a scarey situation. Repressed people don't want others to know. Can you get a roommate? OR someone to pretend like they live there for awhile. They could pretend to be your big brother, and tell this guy to stop bothering you. You have a right to be fearful, this is an unstable guy, potential stalker, he may have even been timing the bumping into you. No matter what your sexual identity is, this is not healthy. You gave this person way to much information too early, that is not a good choice for anyone, male or female. People need to earn our trust, well before sex becomes part of the relationship. Be careful, and have you thought of going to the police re stalker?? Another question, are you positive that he was actually on the way to the church?? Or had he been already targeting you?? I would talk to the authorities, or someone you trust locally, you can't be too careful these days.

[xxbabeechick]

I hate to sound like I'm blaming you for this situation...but this guy seemed sketchy from get go.

Wife and kids out of town? "Disabled" and not working in his 50s? Numerous red flags should've went up. Why would you ever give this guy your number?