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Neener, you're inner dialog is all off. "There are more woman more pathetic than I am." That is the first indicator. You've go some insecurity issues.
The thing I don't understand about some relationships...like this one. After it's over woman complain and basically bad mouth their men, "he never graduated...he probably will never have a license...he walked away from 2 kids in another marriage." Lady, what you describe above is someone that I would have trouble riding an elevator with, let alone date. Why oh why would you settle for a man like this, because he gave you money?
I gotta shake my head on this one.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'll never understand why anyone would be with someone who is such a liability...not to mention risk of their own health or personal safety. I can guess he "parties" with some real winners. I know you're question is about co-dependency, but loving a guy like this is a little extreme, even by those standards. This has everything to do with how little you value yourself. It has nothing to do with him....he shouldn't even be a factor to measure by.
Mainstreet - I think she's asking for advice not judgement. She already knows she has a problem.
In all honesty this is the first time in my life the thoughts of a man turn my stomach. I have no intentions on dating any time soon.
My short term goals are to join a school commitee, get back into my labrador retriever rescue work, take my 2 dogs for a walk each morning and lose 30 lbs.
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,537,150 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mommabear2
Mainstreet - I think she's asking for advice not judgement. She already knows she has a problem.
I'm just altering the angle of the mirror she is looking in. Tilt it ever so slightly and there appears a boy watching his mother risk it all for the love of a criminal man child.
Co-dependency is not an excuse. Co-dependency has everything to do with "her" emotions..."her" needs for a man. I'm just saying put parenting and love for a child first...and move that need to be with a man lower on the list.
Rather than questioning her own decisions, she should be celebrating that fact that she's ended it. My crystal ball says that if she stayed with him there would be an opportunity to pay him back in bail money.
I'm biased because I've been answering 911 calls for thirteen years from mothers and kids in this EXACT same situation. The solution is so simple.
In the last year, here in Indianapolis, you have two women, both mothers, who dated a man they knew was taking PCP. Everyone knew it. One day, he takes one of the women's baby for a ride in the car. Takes the baby out of the car seat, stabs it in the chest and throws the baby out of the window of a moving car.
Another case...again boyfriend on drugs, goes into his girlfriends house, shoots and kills the mother and the mother's sister and shoots, I don't know how many kids...around three or four kids. Lover's spat.
Another, mom goes to work, leaves baby in the care of "new" boyfriend. Boyfriend shakes and kills baby for crying. Ah...ain't love grand.
And that is just in the last couple years. I could throw in the mom of daughters who knew her boyfriend was looking at child porn on her computer....months later...he's arrested for molesting one of her daughters. I talked extensively with this woman...you know what she was worried about? That she needed his income to buy Christmas presents for her kids. She basically put a bow on his member.
Judgmental? You betcha.
So if I'm a bit judgmental, forgive me, I get paid to answer the phone on your worst day.
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,537,150 times
Reputation: 999
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neener
In all honesty this is the first time in my life the thoughts of a man turn my stomach. I have no intentions on dating any time soon.
My short term goals are to join a school commitee, get back into my labrador retriever rescue work, take my 2 dogs for a walk each morning and lose 30 lbs.
Now you're talking. And I wish the very best for you and your son.
ditto mommabear...forget dating for now, and focus on yourself and your child.
When you do decide to date again, try dating people you normally would never date. I have a friend who, over and over again, is attracted to the worthless types of guys you describe (parties, can't hold a job, no drivers license, abusive, etc.) Everyone has some redeeming qualities but that doesn't make up for being a loser. Find friends who can be supportive and help you judge the character of someone you are dating, early on. Don't be forgiving of the people you choose to date, be judgemental and picky with the highest standards.
I'm just altering the angle of the mirror she is looking in. Tilt it ever so slightly and there appears a boy watching his mother risk it all for the love of a criminal man child.
Co-dependency is not an excuse. Co-dependency has everything to do with "her" emotions..."her" needs for a man. I'm just saying put parenting and love for a child first...and move that need to be with a man lower on the list.
Rather than questioning her own decisions, she should be celebrating that fact that she's ended it. My crystal ball says that if she stayed with him there would be an opportunity to pay him back in bail money.
I'm biased because I've been answering 911 calls for thirteen years from mothers and kids in this EXACT same situation. The solution is so simple.
In the last year, here in Indianapolis, you have two women, both mothers, who dated a man they knew was taking PCP. Everyone knew it. One day, he takes one of the women's baby for a ride in the car. Takes the baby out of the car seat, stabs it in the chest and throws the baby out of the window of a moving car.
Another case...again boyfriend on drugs, goes into his girlfriends house, shoots and kills the mother and the mother's sister and shoots, I don't know how many kids...around three or four kids. Lover's spat.
Another, mom goes to work, leaves baby in the care of "new" boyfriend. Boyfriend shakes and kills baby for crying. Ah...ain't love grand.
And that is just in the last couple years. I could throw in the mom of daughters who knew her boyfriend was looking at child porn on her computer....months later...he's arrested for molesting one of her daughters. I talked extensively with this woman...you know what she was worried about? That she needed his income to buy Christmas presents for her kids. She basically put a bow on his member.
Judgmental? You betcha.
So if I'm a bit judgmental, forgive me, I get paid to answer the phone on your worst day.
Sometimes your approach doesn't work for everyone... it only puts people on the defensive - instead of looking at themselves they are defending themselves. I'm sure Neener has enough people in her life shaking their head in judgement.
As for the women you mentioned who refused to see the danger in their actions - those people needed someone like you to smack some sense into them but I doubt they were on this forum asking for advice.
I'm giving Neener advice because I've been there and I'm not jaded - I came out okay. I live a very happy, functional life with a wonderful marriage and no one in my life walks over me. I didn't need anyone to cast their unneeded judgement on me in order for me to change (and their were plenty of people to do it) - I needed to look at myself and my own issues as Neener needs to do. She obviously feels bad enough as it is - she's beyond needing judgement from what I've read.
Don't get me wrong, I know you are trying to help as I am... you just seem a little mean about it that's all.
Neener - So read your book Neener - and I hope all this has helped. Be sure to let us know how you are doing.
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,537,150 times
Reputation: 999
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommabear2
Sometimes your approach doesn't work for everyone... it only puts people on the defensive - instead of looking at themselves they are defending themselves. I'm sure Neener has enough people in her life shaking their head in judgement.
As for the women you mentioned who refused to see the danger in their actions - those people needed someone like you to smack some sense into them but I doubt they were on this forum asking for advice.
I'm giving Neener advice because I've been there and I'm not jaded - I came out okay. I live a very happy, functional life with a wonderful marriage and no one in my life walks over me. I didn't need anyone to cast their unneeded judgement on me in order for me to change (and their were plenty of people to do it) - I needed to look at myself and my own issues as Neener needs to do. She obviously feels bad enough as it is - she's beyond needing judgement from what I've read.
Don't get me wrong, I know you are trying to help as I am... you just seem a little mean about it that's all.
Neener - So read your book Neener - and I hope all this has helped. Be sure to let us know how you are doing.
I respect your opinion and agree with you. I don't think I am being mean. I'm only passionate about protecting kids. They are a miracle. We give birth to them, protect them, and then at some point "divide" our love between them and that of a partner. Some of you are giving her dating advise...I'm choosing to give her parenting advise. No judgment, just a little wake up. I come home everyday and hug my daughter and cry for everyone else's kids. Children of alcoholics have that co-dependency elephant on their shoulder. That elephant is (was) eclipsing her view of her son. All I'm saying is, rather than worry about why she chooses the men she does, why not try not choosing for a while. If that great guy happens to fall on her lap, high five, (I've only seen that happen once among my fleet of divorced friends.)
I congratulate you on a strong, healthy marriage. How wonderful, seriously.
Mainstreet - more women should be like you in that protecting our children should be our number one priority. I can totally agree with everything you are saying and your view is totally legitimate - perhaps I mistook your passion for judgement.
In all honesty this is the first time in my life the thoughts of a man turn my stomach. I have no intentions on dating any time soon.
My short term goals are to join a school commitee, get back into my labrador retriever rescue work, take my 2 dogs for a walk each morning and lose 30 lbs.
Good for you Neener! That's a start.
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