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Ok, here goes nothing. First I want to explain that I don't want answers that say leave your husband...how can you still be with him...or do it for yourself. I need advice on how to deal with the situation I am about to explain to you all.
December of 2010, I caught my husband in many many lies that involved another woman. And yes you can read between the lines. I got the typical answers...she is just a friend, there is nothing there, I am reading too much into what I found in text messages. (confessing that he is attracted to her, wanting to kiss her again, i am crazy and he is leaving me etc.)
This is a typical story in which I know I am not alone. I start checking up behind him, phone records, emails, texts and find all sorts of things (excluding nude pictures)
The kids and I move out to give him the "time" he needs to figure out what he wants and in April of 2011, he moves down to my parents house to be with us since I wouldn't pull our son out of school again. We eventually move back into "our home" in August of 2011 and attempt to rebuild what was broken.
Fast forward to December 2011, I catch him talking to her again in text messages, phone calls and messages on facebook. He lies, gives me the same excuses that there is nothing going on that he wants to try in our marriage, this time there was only one meeting between the two of them in which I assume they kissed because of the messages stating that it was a so so kiss.
The fight between us continues almost every night for January about how he needs to leave her alone so we can try to work this out. Every day I ask him, he lies and the phone bill comes out and there is the proof I needed. I eventually stopped wondering what was being said, and moved into if anything was being said. I stopped asking all together because of my peace of mind, the kids and the stability of the marriage was improving.
Now, I just looked at his face book page the other day (and he has not texted her or called her in over a month) and he sent her a message stating that he tried to wave at her on the street the other day but she didn't see him or realize it was him...and the one from yesterday was that he was trying to be sociable with her but the look she gave him...he gets it.
Now please keep in mind that after the first encounter with her, she eventually came to me and promised me that she would NEVER have anything to do with him again. She was sorry and confessed everything.
please give me some advice on how to handle the lies and keep the peace, I do love him and will always love him but need to vent and allow others to help me out.
I feel for you, I really do, but there is nothing that anyone on here can tell you that will make a liar stop lying. The only person that can make your husband stop lying is your husband, and he doesn't appear to want to stop lying.
There's no way to "handle" lies - they are what they are. You either ignore them or confront them. Confrontation hasn't done any good, he's getting quite a thrill out of the things he IS managing to get past you. Ignoring them apparently did work on some level for you since you say your peace of mind improved.
Things are usually stable or bearable when one party continues to act badly and the other party turns a blind eye. If other woman is through with him he will either make an idiot of himself trying to get her back or move on to greener pastures. Whether his pasture will include you or not remains to be seen. You're the only one who can determine just how much mental masturbation you're willing to put up with from him to other women. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it seems you've found a way to at least semi cope with his obsession with this other woman....sort of a "I won't ask and you don't tell and it's all good" situation. I'm not sure what anyone can say that can help you, or what kind of help it is you're wanting?
My favorite saying: A mistake can only happen one time. After that, it's a choice.
This is tough. I'm trying to imagine how I would handle it if my husband was courting another woman and I had no choice but to stay legally married to him, live with him, etc. In the end I'd want us to be very good friends if we had children. I would no longer sleep with him (perhaps on occasion with protection). I would treat him like a roommate/friend and get on with my life. That might include dating, but not necessarily. You can't control him and you have to work with what you have. I would advise against driving yourself nuts about his behavior. It won't change.
If other woman is through with him he will either make an idiot of himself trying to get her back or move on to greener pastures. Whether his pasture will include you or not remains to be seen.
You're the only one who can determine just how much mental masturbation you're willing to put up with from him to other women.
My favorite saying: A mistake can only happen one time. After that, it's a choice.
Yes. This.
Based on what you've written, OP, he is still interested in her and trying to contact her when he can, but she seems to be trying to discouraging him.
Right now, saving his marriage is not on his mind. He still needs to distance himself from this woman. This is the worst stage of this kind of problem because he still kind of has one foot in the other "relationship," so to speak, and probably would continue with her if she were willing. If he were truly interested in saving his marriage right now, he would not be trying to initiate contact with her.
Of course, the other woman is not your issue. If he knows you know about this yet he STILL contacts her, it shows that he needs to do some soul-searching because if it weren't this woman, he would be/will be after someone else.
The two of you need to find a marriage counselor and find out why he is choosing to pursue someone else - and how long you are willing to put up with it.
You asked for advice on how to deal with the lies, but you should not have to deal with lies. I know you don't really want it, but there has to be an ultimatum soon. If you are willing to wait it out and trust him (stop checking up on him), he must be willing to cut off any contact with the other woman (including so-called innocent, friendly greetings). I have personal experience with this issue, and it can be overcome but it is very difficult and painful.
Ok, here goes nothing. First I want to explain that I don't want answers that say leave your husband...how can you still be with him...or do it for yourself. I need advice on how to deal with the situation I am about to explain to you all.
December of 2010, I caught my husband in many many lies that involved another woman. And yes you can read between the lines. I got the typical answers...she is just a friend, there is nothing there, I am reading too much into what I found in text messages. (confessing that he is attracted to her, wanting to kiss her again, i am crazy and he is leaving me etc.)
This is a typical story in which I know I am not alone. I start checking up behind him, phone records, emails, texts and find all sorts of things (excluding nude pictures)
The kids and I move out to give him the "time" he needs to figure out what he wants and in April of 2011, he moves down to my parents house to be with us since I wouldn't pull our son out of school again. We eventually move back into "our home" in August of 2011 and attempt to rebuild what was broken.
Fast forward to December 2011, I catch him talking to her again in text messages, phone calls and messages on facebook. He lies, gives me the same excuses that there is nothing going on that he wants to try in our marriage, this time there was only one meeting between the two of them in which I assume they kissed because of the messages stating that it was a so so kiss.
The fight between us continues almost every night for January about how he needs to leave her alone so we can try to work this out. Every day I ask him, he lies and the phone bill comes out and there is the proof I needed. I eventually stopped wondering what was being said, and moved into if anything was being said. I stopped asking all together because of my peace of mind, the kids and the stability of the marriage was improving.
Now, I just looked at his face book page the other day (and he has not texted her or called her in over a month) and he sent her a message stating that he tried to wave at her on the street the other day but she didn't see him or realize it was him...and the one from yesterday was that he was trying to be sociable with her but the look she gave him...he gets it.
Now please keep in mind that after the first encounter with her, she eventually came to me and promised me that she would NEVER have anything to do with him again. She was sorry and confessed everything.
please give me some advice on how to handle the lies and keep the peace, I do love him and will always love him but need to vent and allow others to help me out.
thanks
You've made it easy for your husband to continue this behavior because you refuse to hold him accountable.
Unless he knows you really will walk he'll always count on being able to get away with his bad behavior.
The man has some issues and is smitten with this other woman.
Require him to start some individual counseling if he wants to truly keep your marriage together.
Plan to join him for couples therapy down the line when he's worked on himself a while.
You will either have to become numb and deal with it (miserable existence and will pay a toll on your health) Or take your power back and make a stand.
I'll probably get ripped by some for this advice, but if leaving him is not one of your options then I would start flirting/seeking other men. I know they say two wrongs don't make a right, but you are giving your husband the impression that he can do these things and still stay married to you. Oftentimes people don't appreciate what they have until they have a true risk of losing it. And who knows maybe you'll meet someone and the advice you told us not to give you might be the one you prefer.
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