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I've been married going on 12 years this October and lately the last few months have been different. Seems he will loose his patience with me over things that have me scratching my head ..thinking to myself " why the hell is he so upset?" Recent example was just last night. He was telling me a funny story. We were both in bed ready to go to sleep. Because at the end I asked to confirm what he first mentioned. He got upset. I even said I can hear the disdain ( sp ? ) in your voice and he said well if feels like you aren't really paying attention to what I'm saying.
What I keep going over in my head is to try and assess blame ? Am I not being more " aware" so to speak and then creating the problem or part of me thinks should your own husband act like this? To me if you love someone you accept them for who they are and right now I don't feel that way. But I would really like to hear if you think I am overreacting or am I on to something. He tells me he is happy and nothing is bothering him, so then why do I seem to get him to loose any patience with me??? I'm confused and wanted to hear from others out there. Good and bad. Thanks!
You need to ask him. Not "what's wrong?" Guys will say nothing is wrong because he is engaged in a plan to deal with it. You need to be specific. Clues don't work. Draw a picture. X marks the spot. The more precise you can be about the reactions you are getting the better. And let him know, without accusing him of anything, that you don't understand his reactions and they confuse you and alienate you. Don't say, "YOU are making me feel bad," say, "I feel confused and uncertain when you react this way because I don't understand it."
Men like to "fix" problems, so if you present it as a problem to fix and not a complaint about him, you are more likely to get action instead of pushback.
Thanks for the feedback so far! We agree we have to talk about what is bothering us and normally communication is not an issue. For some reason this overly sensitive reaction ( as I perceive it ) to what annoys him is baffling me?! Part of me just needed to vent and even if it meant posting it I could write it down so to speak. I know every marriage hits a " rough patch" and we care enough to work through it. Which as Zwick mentioned is why we have lasted so long. We love each other and support one another but sometimes I am left just scratching my head.
Perhaps he is stressed about something else...job, health, money? Maybe he wants to work through whatever the issue is and not have you find out or worry yourself. I find when someone is suddenly short tempered with me out of the blue, there is something else that is bothering them. You just happen to be the closest one to him, so you are an easy target when he let's off steam. The more you probe, the more he may resist and get mad.
I've been married going on 12 years this October and lately the last few months have been different. Seems he will loose his patience with me over things that have me scratching my head ..thinking to myself " why the hell is he so upset?" Recent example was just last night. He was telling me a funny story. We were both in bed ready to go to sleep. Because at the end I asked to confirm what he first mentioned. He got upset. I even said I can hear the disdain ( sp ? ) in your voice and he said well if feels like you aren't really paying attention to what I'm saying.
What I keep going over in my head is to try and assess blame ? Am I not being more " aware" so to speak and then creating the problem or part of me thinks should your own husband act like this? To me if you love someone you accept them for who they are and right now I don't feel that way. But I would really like to hear if you think I am overreacting or am I on to something. He tells me he is happy and nothing is bothering him, so then why do I seem to get him to loose any patience with me??? I'm confused and wanted to hear from others out there. Good and bad. Thanks!
You blew it.
He was excited to tell you a funny story and you blew it.
Have you ever had a young child come up to tell you a story. You never understand half of the things he says but you can see his face light up as he explains it to you. You smile and show the same excitement cause he is so cute. Then you laugh.
You were too much into details and blew it.
You weren't paying attention to him. You wander and hear something and are trying to analyze what he is saying and how it relates and so on. Knock it off!
If you want to make things better in your marriage you need to laugh when he laughs and cry when he cries. It's called fellow feeling.
I too have been married to my wife for 12 years and she loves doing this too. She will sit there with a blank stare and not even get what I am saying. When I tell her a funny story and she doesn't get it....it's frustrating.
Yesterday she called from work and said her mother was coming up to be with our son for the day. She lives an hour away. She said, and I quote, "She will be there in about an hour and a half...she has to change her shirt." So I said, "It will take her an hour and a half to change her shirt?" She said, "No, she will take an hour to g......(I interrupt her) "It's a joke sweatheart." She said, "OH!!!" Then she started fake laughing like a retard.
Just be his friend. When he talks listen and smile as if it's the only thing that is going on.
He was excited to tell you a funny story and you blew it.
Have you ever had a young child come up to tell you a story. You never understand half of the things he says but you can see his face light up as he explains it to you. You smile and show the same excitement cause he is so cute. Then you laugh.
You were too much into details and blew it.
You weren't paying attention to him. You wander and hear something and are trying to analyze what he is saying and how it relates and so on. Knock it off!
If you want to make things better in your marriage you need to laugh when he laughs and cry when he cries. It's called fellow feeling.
I too have been married to my wife for 12 years and she loves doing this too. She will sit there with a blank stare and not even get what I am saying. When I tell her a funny story and she doesn't get it....it's frustrating.
Yesterday she called from work and said her mother was coming up to be with our son for the day. She lives an hour away. She said, and I quote, "She will be there in about an hour and a half...she has to change her shirt." So I said, "It will take her an hour and a half to change her shirt?" She said, "No, she will take an hour to g......(I interrupt her) "It's a joke sweatheart." She said, "OH!!!" Then she started fake laughing like a retard.
Just be his friend. When he talks listen and smile as if it's the only thing that is going on.
funymann...I was just wondering...would you say you are happily married? (not trying to be a smarta-- or imply anything about your response, honestly just wondering )
funymann...I was just wondering...would you say you are happily married? (not trying to be a smarta-- or imply anything about your response, honestly just wondering )
I find that a marriage is hard work. When someone has mental issues it's even harder.
If he's suddenly nitpicking you or picking fights, that's a red flag. He could be thinking of stepping out on you, and this is his way of giving himself permission to do it.
While that's not necessarily the case, you need to look out for some other warning signs. Is he suddenly taking more of an interest in his appearance? Is he suddenly taken on a new hobby or interest that gets him out of the house? Is he gone for periods of time that he can't explain, or gets angry with you for asking?
If he's suddenly nitpicking you or picking fights, that's a red flag. He could be thinking of stepping out on you, and this is his way of giving himself permission to do it.
While that's not necessarily the case, you need to look out for some other warning signs. Is he suddenly taking more of an interest in his appearance? Is he suddenly taken on a new hobby or interest that gets him out of the house? Is he gone for periods of time that he can't explain, or gets angry with you for asking?
I had that thought pop into my head and trying to think if that was the case. Funny you mentioned the other signs. He has been struggling with his weight for years. Last year he lost what he wanted and has really stuck to eating better and exercise. Which I was really happy about since he was on high blood pressure meds and glad he got that under control. Then he started yoga ( we both wanted to try and he encouraged me to try as well )and we both love it. But then after my daughter started hapkido he wanted to try that and likes it as well. Now he is out 4 nights a week and never home really late. I thought about that, would there be the typical - smell any weird perfume etc. Nothing like that. He still has a genuine interest in sex and that has not changed as far a frequency. We've been married for 12 but together for 15 years. Deep down I would like to believe I would see any guilt on his face if that was the case. Any time a friend or relative would go through that ( cheating ) he said he could never look me in the eye from the guilt he would have. Either that or he's got a good poker face! He will tell me when he plays golf and it's with a good friend of ours... who if he never actually played his wife would call to say - hey he never came out to play with "bob" ( don't want to say real names ). So I really hope that is not the case. Would be devastating to say the least.
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