I haven't read any of this except the question itself, which seems relatively obvious to me.
As with all things, there are pros and cons to dating. When I say that I mean from ALL sides and perspectives. Sometimes people are so focused on putting that best foot forward they make doormats of themselves, eager to please, eager to smooth the way -- all in the silent hope that the other person feels as strongly as they for the relationship prospect. They don't
mean to be a doormat; the role happens gradually because at first they forgive little things, slip-ups. That's normal, what any mature person would do. Only the other person learns they can get away with stuff, and before Mrs/Mr Nice knows what's happening, they've been shunted into a secondary role.
Other times people are so focused (nearly typo'd "fucosed" which, in a way, would be more appropriate) on what they're going to get out of a relationship they become the kind of person I refer to as a
taker. It's all about them, your transgressions matter, while theirs merely need to be understood; they explain that your slights have a profound effect, while you need to "just get over it". Their time is more valuable than yours and in this case Mrs/Mr Nice learn the hard way that
they are NOT a priority.
Now, that may seem like I'm heading off in a different direction, but it's a little overview of how these kinds of things tend to progress.
And they start where THIS discussion is important: Beginnings.
If a man OR woman is dating someone with children (we tend to think of it as single guy/familial woman, but it really applies regardless of gender and role) then the real question they need to ask THEMSELF right up front is whether or not they see this potentially going anywhere.
If they see it as "dating", and they WANT to continue, then the "help" required of them really boils down to some pretty simple and straightforward stuff:
- Be aware that he/she has dependents. This means there is a demand on the other party's TIME and FINANCES.
When it comes to time, they may not be at your dating beck and call; by the same token
communication is essential because RESPECT is a two-way street. Just as you need to be aware of and make concessions for their time and responsibilities, learning how to adjust fire and "bend like the reed" as situations shift through various permutations -- so THEY need to be
responsible with regard to you:
- Making sure you're kept aware of situations
- SHARING the responsibility for coming up with alternative options
When it comes to money, then things change as the relationship itself changes.
At first you are TWO people dating; two responsible adults, independent of one another save for this mutual choice to cross paths. YOU are no more responsible for THEM than am I, sitting here typing this.
Who did the asking? Who arranged this? What are the circumstances? ALL of this stuff falls into other arenas with regard to dating. That includes finances.
IF the relationship progresses, then it all depends on HOW, and on WHAT EXPECTATIONS you have of it, how you view it. Is it dating? Is it casual? Are you two getting serious?
Presuming you're getting serious, then your responsibilities toward the child-rearing partner DO increase somewhat. You now KNOW the situation financially --
with regard to dating. You know what is generally affordable, the kinds of places you both like to attend, etc.
Financial responsibility is still shared, but CAN work on a bit of a barter system. Using the single-man, familial woman scenario set up by the question itself, dinners IN are as viable an option as him taking her out. All of this is with the presumption that his finances are a bit more fluid than hers (assumed, per the question). You are both ADULTS and both responsible for seeking financially viable alternatives.
Again, this is with regard to DATING and the ACT of dating. Outings, innings (
), ideas whether splurging or compromising or minimizing.
But then...
Things are getting serious. I ASSUME this, because if I go back and read the first post and this guy is just DATING this woman and looking to see whether he needs to support her, then what he needs is his arse kicked higher than his head in order to wake him the hell up.
Whether a guy should help the woman he's seeing out financially REALLY comes down to whether or not they're serious enough this relationship has a solid future (even intended), and it should be DISCUSSED.
Period.
Bottom line: Don't expect a ton of her if you know she's under financial constraints -- it's selfish and ungentlemanly. Be willing to help -- within limits, realistic limits. DATING limits.
Finances are a very real part of every relationship; and every aspect of every relationship is a SHARED responsibility.
BUT don't feel you need to be the "man of the house" --
because you're NOT, and the only thing you stand to gain thinking that way, UNTIL such time as it's REAL and not just a THOUGHT, is a depleted bank account if this relationship goes sour.
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