Any advice or thoughts on my confusing situation? (dating, girlfriend, how to)

[college_girl0812]

Warning: contains sexual situations that are not suitable to children. (I've brushed over them as well as I could...)

I work with this guy and have for several years now. I am extremely shy with new people and he immediately began working to make me feel comfortable with him. This quickly led to me showing him the other side of myself that I don't show to people until I'm comfortable with them. I'm very feisty when I'm not uncomfortable around someone.

After a few months, we started flirting constantly. It has always been borderline friendly, borderline actual flirting. I didn't think I was really into him until about 6 months ago when we started hanging out outside of work and I realized how sweet and protective he is. I'm very independent, but these qualities really stood out to me. I thought he liked me as more than a friend too because he was always joking around and "pretend" asking me out. I wasn't sure if it was for real, or if he was just doing it because I get freaked out about situations like that and I would look shocked and he thought it was funny. The first time he did it, he seemed extremely serious- before he started laughing at the face I made that is...

When I have been out alone with him (as friends) he would tell me how I needed to date. He also once tried to play footsie with me... I haven't dated since high school, partially because I'm insecure and partially because I feel like I needed to devote my time to my studies (I'm in college) rather than guys.

That was quite a while ago though. About a month ago, we went to a party and I got pretty wasted and flirted and danced with him for most of the night. The next week, he upped his flirting up out of the casual friendship zone and into either the "I want to date you" or the really close friends zone. He started accidentally touching my "rear", poking me in the ribs, and talking about my boobs...

This sort of kept up over the next few weeks until a few days ago. We went to a party with a group of friends and we were all pretty drunk. I didn't think he was more than maybe a little buzzed though. Towards the end, he came over and leaned on me and was smelling my hair. He usually comes and sits next to me and puts his knee against mine when the alcohol starts to hit him a little. He then started rubbing himself against me and I reciprocated.

Later in the night, after we'd sobered up a bit and everyone else had been dropped off, he dropped me off at my house. We got to talking and he was saying how I had surprised him earlier that evening by reacting. After making sure (I thought) that he was not just looking for sex from me and a LOT of deliberation, I decided that I would give him a hand job... there was also some making out and fondling involved. Afterwards, I went in to bed and he went home. He texted me the next day to see if I had a hangover like he always does after we've been drinking.

The following night, we went out with a group of friends again. He picked me up first and the first thing he said about the event was about how drunk he'd been the night before. Then he asked me if I remembered what had happened. I said that I had and asked him if he did. I told him I was actually pretty sober by the time that happened. (I think he actually was too.) I asked him if he regretted it and he said that he didn't. I told him I didn't either. Then he asked if I was going to tell all of our coworkers. I am the last person to share details like that with anyone outside of my best friend and he should know this... I assured him that I would never do that. He asked me if I was worried that it would impact our friendship. I told him that I never would have allowed it to happen if I thought that it would. He seemed to be saying that we should stay friends before we got to someone elses apartment and our conversation was cut off.

However, later in the night, he kept referencing what had happened and seemed to want to pay for my dinner and drinks... or me pay for either dinner or drinks and he pay for the other. We do this at work, but never outside of work before... I was still kind of pissed at him for not reacting how I wanted him too, I think, and I told the waitress that our meals were separate when she asked. He kind of distanced himself after this. Although he was super tired too; we all were since it was like 2 in the morning.

I'm just so confused as to what is going on and how I should handle it. I think I am going to get the courage up (EXTREMELY difficult for me) and just ask him to be honest with me and tell me what is going on with him. I won't be mad (at least not for long) if he doesn't want this to progress at all, but I need to know if he does want it to. I don't know if this will go over well, though, because I'm not very good at asking things gently when I'm nervous. They usually come out blunt and demanding... Any insights or advice from anyone? I would really appreciate any comments at all.

[zrk9a]

Not to make matters light but... I REALLY think it would be better to sort this out yourself and without outside influence or opinion.

[Ruth4Truth]

It's hard to tell, but I'm not getting that this guy thinks you're serious girlfriend material. Be careful that you don't fall into some kind of FWB situation, unless you don't mind that. You seem a little vulnerable emotionally, and given how things have already gone down, he could end up using you. You seem to be wanting more than that, that's why I mention it. Proceed with caution. Fragile emotions at stake.

[brokencrayola]

Since you said you tend you get blunt and demanding when you confront someone, you might want to practice at home and rehearse what you want to say so that it will not come off sounding negative. I do think you need to know for yourself what the situation is. Does he want things to progress, or does he just want to be friends, you need to know this.

[gymRAT3311]

It seems to me that if he wanted to take things further he would've asked you out on a date already.

But his behavior is confusing and you're interested so you really need to be up front and ask him what's up. Tell him you just want to clear the air - It seems like we're pretty in to each other, but I don't know. I was wondering if you wanted to take things further or not. If he says he doesn't want to, then at least you'll know and you can move on to a man who will be 100% in to you.

I'd caution you on this: 1) Be wary of a BS answer from him. Sometimes ppl will give you a bogus reason as to why they don't want to date you because they don't want to hurt your feelings. Sometimes that reason will give you hope that something will arise in the future. Don't fall for that. Just move on.

2) Don't go spilling your guts to him. Avoid telling him how crazy you are about him. He's already giving you mixed messages so don't completely betray your emotions to him. You can get yourself played that way.

[college_girl0812]

Thank you guys so much for your comments and suggestions. I completely understand not wanting to interfere in this for me and maybe I would be better off just leaving it up to my own intuition. However, I am so confused that I am just hoping that someone has had a similar experience or just advice or just a deeper understanding and can interpret my own words and thoughts for me since it's always harder to understand your own problems than someone elses.

I probably am emotionally vulnerable, but I'm also a very tough person... The feisty side of me also has some well established walls that keep people from getting too close too quickly. I have issues, but they keep me from getting too emotionally involved too. I won't be crying over this, I assure you. Maybe if we had dated for a few months or something and then he broke it off, I would be upset, but at this stage, I'm mostly just confused as to what is going on in his head.

I would much rather have a slowly progressing relationship, but a FWB situation might not be terrible- I'd just like to know that that is what it is and be able to have some time to consider it without it just randomly happening every once in a while. He is also a little emotionally vulnerable and insecure... he's never had a very long relationship and the few times he's been out on dates, etc. they ended up telling him immediately afterwards that they weren't interested in anything further. I truly appreciate your concern and I will definitely beware of allowing this whole thing to scar me more.

I will definitely try practicing at home beforehand. Hopefully I can soften it a bit...

[Nite Ryder]

How important is this job to you? Is it something you can walk away from and not be worried about finding another job? When you get involved with someone where you work, good things can happen, but bad things can also happen. Rather than be the typical ditsy college girl, why not just ask him in plain language how he feels and tell him how you feel. That is if you know how you feel. After reading your post I'm left wondering if you know much about relationships with guys, and dating in general. You are probably confused by his actions because you are inexperienced and don't know much about males.

[BirdieBelle]

I would continue to be a friend, but watch your alcohol intake when you go out.

If you want things to progress toward a relationship, he need to ask you out on a proper date.

If you want things to progress toward "friends with benefits," keep doing what you've been doing and you'll just "end up together" after yet another night of drinking and going out in a group.

[college_girl0812]

The job is not serious. It's just a way to make a little money between classes. I could walk away or just trade shifts if I needed to. We won't be working together for very much longer anyways.

[MissLucky]

Way too plenty of fish in the sea to waste your brain cells over this.