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Something that I have noticed since I graduated from college is that it seems much harder to meet new people that are outside of your currently existing social network. I've been making strides in improving a lot of things about myself over the past year, and while I feel a lot more confident in approaching women and initiating conversations with them, I find a lot of people in general to keep to themselves and even be annoyed when approached. One extreme example was with that women I tried talking to at the gym, but I have noticed this in other places that I frequent.
Often, I'll read on a message board or even hear from a personal friend at how annoyed they get when they are approached, well, anywhere. "I go to the gym to work out," "I got to the library to read," "I go to Starbucks to drink coffee," "I go to the grocery store to shop," One of my friends even got in a huge rant about this guy who had the audacity to talk to her at the bus because she had a boyfriend (uh, how is the guy supposed to know that she has a boyfriend?) I asked her if he said anything disrespectful or rude, and she said no, he only tried saying hi and talking about the day. If some women complain about getting approached, then where is a guy supposed to find anyone? For the longest time I could not understand why some men would be terrified of approaching women, but based on the responses that some have towards men who approach them, I can now understand why.
I remember one person replying back to me (since I am interested in fitness,) saying not to talk to women at the gym; save that for the bars. Well, will I be able to find a woman I am interested in at a bar? Wouldn't it make sense to meet someone at a place that I have an interest and dedication to? Yes, the gym isn't a singles bar (duh,) but people meet in other places besides bars! Same thing goes for bookstores. I had another reply stating that she hated when men tried to talk to her whilst shopping for books. I love reading, and I could talk about American Postmodern literature and British Victorian literature for hours, so wouldn't it make sense for me to approach a woman who is browsing Faulkner or Tolstoy (admittedly, I would be more attracted to a woman interested in Dickens and Joyce than, say, Nicholas Sparks or John Grisham, but that's just me) than trying to hit up bars?
Sorry if this post sounds ranty, but I'm just tired of people saying to go to the bars if I want to meet someone and not the gym, library, cafe, art gallery, places that I actually have interests in. Also, this leads me to another question: What do you ladies mean when you say "hit on?" Do you consider a guy who is acting rude to you and way too aggressive as being hit on, or do you say that about any guy that approaches you? I just find it incredibly frustrating that it's "wrong" to meet people at places designed for purposes other than getting "hit on." Sometimes, those places are the best, as you share common interests.
And I know that a lot of you have had bad experiences with guys being jerks to you or making rude comments when they approach you. As a guy, I am sorry that happened to you, but don't group all of us with those jerks. The guy who is starting a conversation with you may not be someone who is just trying to hook up with you, but might be a bit of a lonely guy looking for a compatible friend and maybe partner.
Just my random rant, Would love to hear your thoughts.
If the woman is annoyed about being approached, it means the approacher is not attractive enough to pull it off. Why would it depend on anything else? You walk up and say 'hi' and the woman gets put on the spot to make a snap judgment. If you don't fit the physical bill then she will be annoyed.
That being said there are women that are flattered regardless of who approaches them and are quite friendly regardless of their relationship status. They are not nearly as common though.
I do agree with your annoyance at the people that say "go to the library/gym/coffee shop and meet someone" when the truth is that this is very difficult if not impossible to do. It's more dependent on luck and/or timing than anything else.
You must think of the 'cold-approach' from the woman's perspective. I know I'd be annoyed if I was being approached everywhere I went while I was just minding my own business. This is why I actually encourage online dating for many people. It's the easiest way to find someone who is looking for the same thing you are without having to endure hundreds of awkward silences and fake smiles.
Something that I have noticed since I graduated from college is that it seems much harder to meet new people that are outside of your currently existing social network. I've been making strides in improving a lot of things about myself over the past year, and while I feel a lot more confident in approaching women and initiating conversations with them, I find a lot of people in general to keep to themselves and even be annoyed when approached. One extreme example was with that women I tried talking to at the gym, but I have noticed this in other places that I frequent.
Often, I'll read on a message board or even hear from a personal friend at how annoyed they get when they are approached, well, anywhere. "I go to the gym to work out," "I got to the library to read," "I go to Starbucks to drink coffee," "I go to the grocery store to shop," One of my friends even got in a huge rant about this guy who had the audacity to talk to her at the bus because she had a boyfriend (uh, how is the guy supposed to know that she has a boyfriend?) I asked her if he said anything disrespectful or rude, and she said no, he only tried saying hi and talking about the day. If some women complain about getting approached, then where is a guy supposed to find anyone? For the longest time I could not understand why some men would be terrified of approaching women, but based on the responses that some have towards men who approach them, I can now understand why.
I remember one person replying back to me (since I am interested in fitness,) saying not to talk to women at the gym; save that for the bars. Well, will I be able to find a woman I am interested in at a bar? Wouldn't it make sense to meet someone at a place that I have an interest and dedication to? Yes, the gym isn't a singles bar (duh,) but people meet in other places besides bars! Same thing goes for bookstores. I had another reply stating that she hated when men tried to talk to her whilst shopping for books. I love reading, and I could talk about American Postmodern literature and British Victorian literature for hours, so wouldn't it make sense for me to approach a woman who is browsing Faulkner or Tolstoy (admittedly, I would be more attracted to a woman interested in Dickens and Joyce than, say, Nicholas Sparks or John Grisham, but that's just me) than trying to hit up bars?
Sorry if this post sounds ranty, but I'm just tired of people saying to go to the bars if I want to meet someone and not the gym, library, cafe, art gallery, places that I actually have interests in. Also, this leads me to another question: What do you ladies mean when you say "hit on?" Do you consider a guy who is acting rude to you and way too aggressive as being hit on, or do you say that about any guy that approaches you? I just find it incredibly frustrating that it's "wrong" to meet people at places designed for purposes other than getting "hit on." Sometimes, those places are the best, as you share common interests.
And I know that a lot of you have had bad experiences with guys being jerks to you or making rude comments when they approach you. As a guy, I am sorry that happened to you, but don't group all of us with those jerks. The guy who is starting a conversation with you may not be someone who is just trying to hook up with you, but might be a bit of a lonely guy looking for a compatible friend and maybe partner.
Just my random rant, Would love to hear your thoughts.
I can relate. Girls who get mad about guys hitting on them at places other than a bar annoy me. I dont like to meet "datable" girls at bars. I usually go to bars for a hookup, usually when that happens, I dont end up dating the girl. All girls I have ever dated I have met through mutual friends or through some social gathering.
The only thing worse than girls who hate getting hit on is girls who THINK you are hitting on them, when you really aren't. I once struck up a conversation with a girl in a bar, it was going pretty well until she casually mentioned that she had a boyfriend and wasn't interested in me. I was like no thanks anyway, your fat. Not really, but I wanted to so bad, cuz it was true.
I hear you. I've been out of school for a little bit, and making new friends is definitely tough. Most of my new friends are either already friends with my existing friends, or other alumni from my same school who I just happened to meet at various local events. I feel like everyone in my social network is pretty either much from work or school.
There's nothing wrong with that but like you I definitely want to branch out (A lot of my friends from school are still dating people they met while in school, and they are pretty content with their current social groups). The one time I made a potential friend, I met him while waiting at the bus stop of all places. It was pretty clear we hit it off. But then we went on a date and while he said he was interested, I never heard from him again and he's definitely ignoring me. I wouldn't have minded just being friends - no need to go on a date! But he's older than me and has been in this area for much longer, so I suspect he already has more than enough friends.
Now I'm back to square one... it's too bad, because we really did have a lot in common I thought in terms of our interests and personality.
I'm open to other people approaching me, but admit I'm not really the type to approach other people. I'm more reactive than proactive in that respect (although in the case above, I was the one that initiated conversation--just asked if he was waiting there for X bus, because it was actually late and nowhere in sight at the time....)
I do agree with your annoyance at the people that say "go to the library/gym/coffee shop and meet someone" when the truth is that this is very difficult if not impossible to do. It's more dependent on luck and/or timing than anything else.
Actually, that's not quite what I meant. My annoyance comes from the people (mostly women) who say that they hate it when men approach them there, and to go to a bar instead. Wouldn't it make more sense to meet someone at a place that we share a common interest in? Can't really do that in bars. I just hate bars period.
Actually, that's not quite what I meant. My annoyance comes from the people (mostly women) who say that they hate it when men approach them there, and to go to a bar instead. Wouldn't it make more sense to meet someone at a place that we share a common interest in? Can't really do that in bars. I just hate bars period.
Oops sorry for the misrepresentation! I still agree though. I like bars but not for meeting people. I'd way rather grab 3 or 4 friends, get a booth, and have a laid-back night. To me, pick-up bars and college bars were way too high-pressure. Too much loud music, women are slathered in makeup and perfume, and the whole atmosphere always just felt very fake to me. Not what I want out of a woman.
Coed social sports leagues are a great place to meet new people after college! The best are the types that really encourage going to sponsor bars afterward for food and drinks. That way you can mingle with other teams or just kick back and relax. No pressure. Sign up as an indy and get put on a team with other indies and you can have some fun times and meet all kinds of people. I've had a girlfriend for a while and therefore never tried to pick anyone up, but I've met a few friends with whom I hang out on a regular basis this way.
I think its the culture really. I think a lot of women these days aren't really looking for a relationship. At least that's what I hear from coworkers and female friends. Actually for myself included. So when you still single and not looking I guess its sometimes offensive to have guys hitting on you everywhere you go. I don't get hit on quit that often, at least once a week though, but I have an extremely attractive Asian friend who says she gets hit on 5 times a day on average. She can't even go to grocery store in peace. She works at hospital so as you can imagine she has more interactions per day with other people than most of us. I've heard other women complain about constantly being hit on so if that is accurate then I guess you could derive from that that women just get tired of guys being after them constantly. I get tired of it myself to be honest. I got a guy through some friends who will not leave me alone. I really think if a woman is interested in you she will let you know.
I think its the culture really. I think a lot of women these days aren't really looking for a relationship. At least that's what I hear from coworkers and female friends. Actually for myself included. So when you still single and not looking I guess its sometimes offensive to have guys hitting on you everywhere you go. I don't get hit on quit that often, at least once a week though, but I have an extremely attractive Asian friend who says she gets hit on 5 times a day on average. She can't even go to grocery store in peace. She works at hospital so as you can imagine she has more interactions per day with other people than most of us. I've heard other women complain about constantly being hit on so if that is accurate then I guess you could derive from that that women just get tired of guys being after them constantly. I get tired of it myself to be honest. I got a guy through some friends who will not leave me alone. I really think if a woman is interested in you she will let you know.
Exactly. They do not want a real mature relationship. All they want to do is party, party, party, and PARTYYYYY!!!
I think part, not all, of the blame rests upon technology. Anywhere I go, I see people walking around with their faces buried in their smart phones. They're locked into Facebook, Twitter, and texting. Even in places where one would normally have opportunities to socialize, I see increasing numbers of anti-social behavior. Bars, coffee shops, parties etc., I see faces looking down at their phones. Go to a local bar and watch how many people are either playing with their phones or staring at the wide screen TV's.
In fact, the other day, I was stopped at a red light at a very pedestrian heavy intersection, I noticed more than half of the people crossing the streets were looking down at their phones not even paying attention to who or what is around them, like techno-zombies shutting out the world around them at the risk of getting plowed over by an SUV or cyclist.
Again, not all of the blame can be placed upon technology (in many instances online forums such as these have broadened people's social lives), but the more people rely on gadgetry to fill their time, the less opportunity those around them have to interact.
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Not really, but I wanted to so bad, cuz it was true. 
