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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,748,461 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsAnnThrope
but his schedule is very sporatic which makes it hard for me to work because someone has to watch our 13 month old.
Recently my mother became ill and nearly died. I still have been unable to see her because of work and our child.
She sounds like a single mother...only one person is skipping work and visiting ill relatives due to child care issues.
If he's such a wonderful involved dad, why isn't HE the one skipping work?
Or better still, TAKING TIME OFF SO HE CAN SUPPORT HER AND TAKE HER AND THE BABY TO SEE HER DYING MUM?
He is the main breadwinner. He could be in the situation where basically if he misses any hours, he don't get paid for those hours via sick or paid time off. Losing a big chunk of the main paycheck won't help their situation.
I come from a broken home myself. My parents situation was one where my father was messed up on alcohol to the point where mom had no choice but to bounce. This situation I do NOT think is divorceable. Their issues are those that can and SHOULD be worked on.
I think the guy is being stubborn and failing to consider the emotional needs of his wife but this is NOT abuse.
Definition of emotional abuse -
Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety,(TICK)chronic depression(TICK)...associated wiith situations of power imbalance,(TICK)... the widely used Conflict Tactics Scale measures roughly twenty distinct acts of "psychological aggression" in three different categories:
Verbal aggression (e.g., "Your partner has said something to upset/annoy you");
Dominant behaviours (e.g., "Your partner has tried to prevent you from seeing/speaking to your family");
Jealous behaviors (e.g., "Your partner has accused you of maintaining other parallel relations").
The U.S. Department of Justice defines emotionally abusive traits as including causing fear by intimidation, threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends, destruction of pets and property, forcing isolation from family, friends, or school or work.[4]
In 1996, Health Canada argued that emotional abuse is motivated by urges for "power and discontrol",[3] and defines emotional abuse as including rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting/exploiting and "denying emotional responsiveness" as characteristic of emotional abuse.
Several studies have argued that, unlike physical and sexual maltreatment, an isolated incident does not constitute emotional abuse. Tomison and Tucci write, "emotional abuse is characterised by a climate or pattern of behaviour(s) occurring over time [...] Thus, 'sustained' and 'repetitive' are the crucial components of any definition of emotional abuse."[5]Andrew Vachss, an author, attorney and former sex crimes investigator, defines emotional abuse as "the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event."[6]
Subtler emotionally abusive tactics include insults, putdowns, arbitrary and unpredictable inconsistency, and gaslighting (the denial that previous abusive incidents occurred).
Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety,(TICK)chronic depression(TICK)...associated wiith situations of power imbalance,(TICK)... the widely used Conflict Tactics Scale measures roughly twenty distinct acts of "psychological aggression" in three different categories:
Verbal aggression (e.g., "Your partner has said something to upset/annoy you");
Dominant behaviours (e.g., "Your partner has tried to prevent you from seeing/speaking to your family");
Jealous behaviors (e.g., "Your partner has accused you of maintaining other parallel relations").
The U.S. Department of Justice defines emotionally abusive traits as including causing fear by intimidation, threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends, destruction of pets and property, forcing isolation from family, friends, or school or work.[4]
In 1996, Health Canada argued that emotional abuse is motivated by urges for "power and discontrol",[3] and defines emotional abuse as including rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting/exploiting and "denying emotional responsiveness" as characteristic of emotional abuse.
Several studies have argued that, unlike physical and sexual maltreatment, an isolated incident does not constitute emotional abuse. Tomison and Tucci write, "emotional abuse is characterised by a climate or pattern of behaviour(s) occurring over time [...] Thus, 'sustained' and 'repetitive' are the crucial components of any definition of emotional abuse."[5]Andrew Vachss, an author, attorney and former sex crimes investigator, defines emotional abuse as "the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event."[6]
Subtler emotionally abusive tactics include insults, putdowns, arbitrary and unpredictable inconsistency, and gaslighting (the denial that previous abusive incidents occurred).
And it is always good to share solid info like this with those who may not be aware.
And I truly believe you think you are helping here...but my sense is, you aren't.
This young mom is scared and confused, let's try to be more supportive okay?
I am not in the business of helping people stay in abusive relationships.
I hope OP reads this and it sinks in.
It doesn't matter which way you want to dress it up, this relationship is abusive. If he was punching her in the head you'd all yell "RUN" but let me tell you....the injuries that don't leave a mark are the hardest to heal.
She may not realise it, but she's actually lost trust in him. Once the trust is gone, the marriage is doomed. It cannot be repaired.
2. I spread my "hate" equally between both sexes. There plenty of examples of morons, abusers, and just plain nasty people of both genders.
The husband in this story is not abusive, not by any stretch of the word. You are letting personal issues cloud your judgment. Your personal issues are probably why you chose your handle here too. Get yourself together, and I promise that you will lead a happier life.
No one is saying the baby doesn't need its parents....but a child is far, far better COMING from a broken marriage, than GROWING UP IN ONE.
Statistically speaking, this is not true. Children are much better off in the "broken" marriage, especially one that is "broken" because they could not agree on where to live.
how have i not comprimised? I have comprimised for five years. I gave him options at bigger cities where he would be more likely to find a job and he put in a half assed effort at applying (something he himself mentioned). I am showing compassion, that is why I am so worried and upset over this. That is why I have come on here for advice. I don't want to move him somewhere he will hate but I am unhappy and have been for so long.
I keep coming back to this thread because the poison that is being spread makes me feel uneasy. I truly hope you aren't listening to the more negative advice you have received on this thread.
Here is the thing you need to bear in mind when your husband resists the idea that you move: You are suggesting that your husband, a man with a wife and a child, become unemployed all in the name of your personal comfort. For a man to be without a job is a HUGE deal for them. (And it is for women too, just ask any single man without a job what his dating prospects are like.) He knows he can't get a job in his field there too, and would probably be unemployed for at least a year, maybe two, and will eventual settle on doing something unrelated. You will be the bread winner, you will be surrounded by family, and he will be underemployed loser who always has to explain himself. And the fact is, if he were to be in this role, you will no longer want him. You will resent him. This is the real reason why you can't make this move. Your husband isn't an abusive a55hole, he is simply preserving your marriage.
I keep coming back to this thread because the poison that is being spread makes me feel uneasy. I truly hope you aren't listening to the more negative advice you have received on this thread.
Here is the thing you need to bear in mind when your husband resists the idea that you move: You are suggesting that your husband, a man with a wife and a child, become unemployed all in the name of your personal comfort. For a man to be without a job is a HUGE deal for them. (And it is for women too, just ask any single man without a job what his dating prospects are like.) He knows he can't get a job in his field there too, and would probably be unemployed for at least a year, maybe two, and will eventual settle on doing something unrelated. You will be the bread winner, you will be surrounded by family, and he will be underemployed loser who always has to explain himself. And the fact is, if he were to be in this role, you will no longer want him. You will resent him. This is the real reason why you can't make this move. Your husband isn't an abusive a55hole, he is simply preserving your marriage.
This describes it perfectly. Her next post will be asking why she isn't happy with her husband after move, not realizing that his unemployment makes him unattractive in her eyes.
I do agree that my husband is not here to tell his end of the story. He would say that he enjoys his job, and that he is happy. He and I come from very different upbringings with very different parents. He was the first person in his entire family to graduate from college. I was so proud of him when we were in college, he was so motivated and excited. I felt that he had all of these aspirations and that we were moving here to help fulfill them. I think when he realized how hard it would be to get a job here and how difficult it was he became depressed and had low self esteem. Multiple jobs he applied for here initially he was turned down for. I was very hard on him at that time because I was working full time, he was at home looking for jobs but wouldn't do any of the things that the jobs required (such as becoming more proficient in computer coding). He knew that these were the jobs in demand but refused to learn how to do the things to get those jobs because "he didn't like it." I know I should not force someone to do something they don't like, however I felt strongly that it was his idea to move here for his CAREER so shouldn't he be doing everything to try and furthur it? I pretty much forced him to join a graphic design association in hopes of him getting business contacts, he would go to the meetings but not really talk to anybody. He did find out at these meetings how hard his field really was. He painted apartments for a while, worked for UPS and then was lucky enough to get a job at the local museum. Initially he was repairing and maintaining exhibits but then the position in the I.T department opened up and he took it. So he has been moving up. He does make good money with health insurance, but I worry about his motivation for the future.
I worry about my parents getting old and being lonely. I worry about my daughter not having her grandparents. I worry about living with regret and resentment, because I have been living with those feelings for the past 5 years. In the beginning I was severely depressed after moving here and my husband almost moved us back to NM but I didn't want to admit defeat. I also did not want to go back to NM where we had struggled to leave. I felt I would still be depressed there.
Some of you brought up very good points, such as, will I really be happy if we move? There is nothing much in WV and what would my husband do? It is selfish of me in a sense to want him to move soley for me, because what if I hate the job, or it doesn't work out? We both have jobs here and I understand that too. However, it is selfish of him to have ignored my pleas for the past 5 years. He could have put in an effort to apply for jobs elsewhere and he admitted last night that he was putting a half ass effort into it, not even submitting cover letters.
I also am frustrated with my parents, who I feel are not supportive either. They do not want to move here, and in a few years they will be retiring. I feel it is somewhat easier for them to move. My parents hate Oregon, always complain about hippie-dippy it is, democratic etc. They were not supportive of our move here and I made the mistake of calling them and telling them how unhappy I was when we first moved here. I have a close relationship with them but I feel that telling them these things did not help at all, in fact it made it worse. They have always told me to leave, pushed me to move closer to them. My husband always tells me that "I CAN NEVER MAKE YOU HAPPY, IT IS NEVER ENOUGH!" and I feel that way about my parents.
When I told my dad last week we were going to just stay here in Portland, he was supportive, but still had negative comments to make like "you can always have freinds elsewhere, just to stay somewhere cuz of friends is stupid." My mother was not really supportive, she kept going on and on about how awesome the V.a is etc and how us arguing over this whole things is just "part of the process". When I was a child my father moved us around almost every year and my mother was sick of it, so she gave him an ulitmatum and he had to chose between two place to move to, he chose NM and that is how we ended up there. So I think she feels I am miserable and should do the same thing to my husband. I honestly feel I would feel different about this whole situation if they were supportive.
I have thought about this over and over again. I have thought what If I move and hate it? All that I will have tehre would be my parents and possibly a good job. I could move there and hate it. What if we move there and my husband cannot find a job and slips into a depression and feels worthless? I am also afraid of change just like him, I just don't see how I can be at peace??
I do not want him to struggle or end up resenting me. I feel that if my parents lived here with us I would not want to move.
It is obvious from all you have written that you've got a lot of things to figure out.
This is why I am so glad you guys are going to see a therapist. You'll be amazed at the relief you feel once you start sorting your feelings out
In addition, at some point you need to learn how to love/respect your parents while still keeping your marriage and family first.
When we marry we are supposed to "leave and cleave".
This means your marriage is your primary relationship and your parents wants, desires and opinions always come in second place.
Right now it sounds as though you are still a little too dependent on your parents emotionally. That is actually what caused you to confide in them things about your husband you shouldn't have. You have admitted above that you know you made things worse by doing so. Lesson learned.
Get that appt and you'll be on the right path to figuring things out
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