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Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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The thread about getting friend-zoned all the time got me thinking...attraction, I assume, is usually sparked off by something very shallow. Maybe physical or shallow, on the surface type emotional processes. A girl think's a guy is cute, thinks he is kind or funny, so she likes him. Meanwhile, he feels he is infatuated with her. So there's the potential there, right...yet that 'like' is not enough, the guy has to work hard to build the attraction, or somehow prove himself 'worthy' of the girl's time so it can develop naturally...
I have a friend who complains the girls he likes never like him back. Especially for people who don't feel strong attraction very often, how on earth is love so often reciprocated? I mean, I think most of us can 'like' a larger proportion of the opposite sex, so I guess it's always from that starting point? Like just that shallow liking more than anything. 'Chemistry' is more common than we think? I mean would you agree that mutually feeling a strong attraction for one another is the rule rather than the attraction, right? I mean that's now how most relationships get started off?
I was thinking of the girls I've been attracted to. The few that were even single, I never even got a chance to let anything develop because it seemed I couldn't interest them enough in spending time with me. So how on earth am I supposed to find someone I both like who also likes me? It sounds absurdly simple, but I feel I'd have to really turn on the charm or improve my 'physical' assets. It's easy for a guy to false in lust with a girl, but harder to feel something strongly emotional. It's not like I fall in love with every girl I meet, but it seems that, I'll have to settle for someone I only like somewhat who happens to also like me, is that it? I mean odds are the girl I absolutely adore won't adore me back, unless we can develop that mutual attraction, so is that what most people do, just settle? Or is the whole courtship process where it happens?
I guess I'm wondering how often does it happen that attraction is strong enough early on that two people are irresistibly drawn together. If I do 'settle', I can hope that over time we'll grow to love each other, to share that intense love. I think the emphasis on 'feelings' is making dating tougher, since everything is based on so-called 'chemistry.' This makes it tough to find someone who could make a really good mate if we don't feel something strong early on. I guess it's easy for an old fashioned romantic to grow cynical about the dating paradigm today.
the guy has to work hard to build the attraction, or somehow prove himself 'worthy' of the girl's time so it can develop naturally...
Your premise falls off track here.
This post is all over the place, but you seem to approach relationships from a "me vs. them" standpoint. I understand why, but it will trip you up.
In my experience, yes, there has to be a mutual attraction.
In my real-life experience, no, you cannot "build intense love" from a relationship you have settled for. You can certainly live with a relationship based on mutual interests, caring and companionship. But only for so long.
Feelings are extremely difficult to manufacture, and even if you think you've done that, it is supremely hard to maintain over decades, or a lifetime.
In MY experience, no one does, or should, fall in love immediately. Ideally, you feel attracted to someone for whatever reason, you notice each other and make those feelings known, you indicate a desire to get to know each other better and then do so. Love either develops or it doesn't.
Yes, you have to turn on the charm. Yes, you have to develop your physical assets. BOTH genders have to do this.
If you want to attract someone, you have to be attractive, whatever that word means to you.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,029,399 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Your premise falls off track here.
This post is all over the place, but you seem to approach relationships from a "me vs. them" standpoint. I understand why, but it will trip you up.
In my experience, yes, there has to be a mutual attraction.
In my real-life experience, no, you cannot "build intense love" from a relationship you have settled for. You can certainly live with a relationship based on mutual interests, caring and companionship. But only for so long.
Feelings are extremely difficult to manufacture, and even if you think you've done that, it is supremely hard to maintain over decades, or a lifetime.
In MY experience, no one does, or should, fall in love immediately. Ideally, you feel attracted to someone for whatever reason, you notice each other and make those feelings known, you indicate a desire to get to know each other better and then do so. Love either develops or it doesn't.
Yes, you have to turn on the charm. Yes, you have to develop your physical assets. BOTH genders have to do this.
If you want to attract someone, you have to be attractive, whatever that word means to you.
I suppose what I'm wondering is...this idea of 'falling in love' which I still don't totally get. I've liked girls, but I can't say I'm totally in love with them until I get to know them. I don't really believe in 'love at first sight.' 'Like at first sight, or lust at first sight, sure,' but love at first sight, probably very rare.
In a sense I think one CAN manufacture feelings of love by making oneself more attraction. Courtship is more premeditated than you believe, I think. I think a lot of it is very calculated, what men do to make women feel as if they've fallen for him for some inexplicable reason. We're simple creatures, we don't just 'fall in love' with a person for no reason.
This whole idea of having 'chemistry early on' sounds mostly BS to me. You can click, sure, but truly love each other so early on? You have to work for it, I think.
I suppose what I'm wondering is...this idea of 'falling in love' which I still don't totally get. I've liked girls, but I can't say I'm totally in love with them until I get to know them. I don't really believe in 'love at first sight.' 'Like at first sight, or lust at first sight, sure,' but love at first sight, probably very rare.
In a sense I think one CAN manufacture feelings of love by making oneself more attraction. Courtship is more premeditated than you believe, I think. I think a lot of it is very calculated, what men do to make women feel as if they've fallen for him for some inexplicable reason. We're simple creatures, we don't just 'fall in love' with a person for no reason.
This whole idea of having 'chemistry early on' sounds mostly BS to me. You can click, sure, but truly love each other so early on? You have to work for it, I think.
That's what I just said.
NO, you can't fall in love right away. It happens over time. You can't be in love without knowing the person. You can't get to know a person without getting them to notice you somehow.
Sure, that part of courtship is VERY premeditated because you are not going to bump into someone at the grocery and be in love with them. You have to take calculated steps to ensure they also are attracted to you. But those steps have to be motivated by feelings of attraction. That's the chemistry early on. If you think that is BS, you have not experienced it yet.
I'm 44 years old; I understand how attraction has worked, at least in my life. I've made quite a few men "fall for me," but rarely has it been love.
You may think you can manufacture feelings in others, but you absolutely cannot manufacture your own feelings. That was my point. You cannot make yourself feel romantic feelings for someone. Even if you could, would you want to be in a relationship with someone who had done so?
I suppose what I'm wondering is...this idea of 'falling in love' which I still don't totally get. I've liked girls, but I can't say I'm totally in love with them until I get to know them. I don't really believe in 'love at first sight.' 'Like at first sight, or lust at first sight, sure,' but love at first sight, probably very rare.
In a sense I think one CAN manufacture feelings of love by making oneself more attraction. Courtship is more premeditated than you believe, I think. I think a lot of it is very calculated, what men do to make women feel as if they've fallen for him for some inexplicable reason. We're simple creatures, we don't just 'fall in love' with a person for no reason.
This whole idea of having 'chemistry early on' sounds mostly BS to me. You can click, sure, but truly love each other so early on? You have to work for it, I think.
I'd say you're overthinking things here. If you are attracted to a woman and find yourself thinking about her when she's not around, then that's a good indication of potential love.
You should court her (provided she is single & available). It's really that simple.
1) You find someone you are physically attracted to
2) Find out if that person is pretty cool
3) Find out if they have a mutual feeling on 1 and 2
Then, you date. Then, later on down the line you can find out if they are relationship material.
Since a lot of people can be considered pretty cool, the main reason people can or cannot get dates is #1.
Quite simply, the more physically attractive you are, the larger dating pool you will have. Also, women are also pickier in terms of what they find attractive.
I just met a girl over the weekend who was cute and cool. That's enough for me. I don't know what she does or how much money she makes or anything. I can tell she's a real good person.
Trimac20 ...ugh...remember when you were in your early teens and any reaction from your penis made you think you were in love?
As you got older with less reactions, then it was what your buddies thought about who you thought was cute; that was the signal of whether it was love or not?
I look at it this way--instant love from dating is a recent invention when you look at humanity. Unions were arranged between families. They weren't all ending in lovelessness forever but those that found love, found love as they work toward some dream, goal etc. even if the goal was simply having a family.
Growing with each other... I dunno man, its always been to me, can you take the hurt of growing together knowing to make it you will hurt each other. Maturity seems a painful path of sharing and love comes out of it? Since I like people, I've asked people questions from all types of lifestyles...
Nobody escapes pain but some do find a deep love between each other going through it with lots of forgiveness sprinkle in.
How they started had a lot to do with what they believed.
Instant, irresistable attraction has happened to me a few times. It's one of the best feelings. I don't have an issue with making my interest known, so I've taken advantage of each of those instances.
(I couldn't really decipher your topic or question, so sorry if I'm off base.)
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,029,399 times
Reputation: 11862
What's funny is I think I've charmed a few women into falling in love with me by talking online. By how I talk online, you'd think I was some Romeo or something...I can flirt and charm online, but when it comes to real life, I feel awkward, and women can read my shyness loud and clear. Some find it endearing, but for someone my age, it feels like a drawback. Most don't take me seriously, treating me like their little brother or something, who is at the same time mature and intelligent.
As for looks, it's complex. There are so many factors. I think I'm at least average, yet at times I feel/think I'm ugly. Some have told me I'm attractive, but I wonder if my ethnicity gets in the way too. I feel a lot of women here just aren't into dating out of their 'race', so it's doubly hard to gauge how open a woman is...it actually DOES seem I get more attention in Asian nations vs here. It's sad to admit it, but that's the way it is here. Maybe a lot of it IS in my mind, but I can only go by what I feel.
I have a really good female online friend: we get along great, she's probably one of the funniest, coolest people I've met, and it feels like we're kindred spirits. Silly to say but sometimes I wonder if I'm falling for her personality. We met while I was on holiday, so I have seen her IRL, but the RS has developed online. I don't think it's practical though, so I don't let any feelings develop, nor is it primarily romance. But I guess if circumstances were different I could see something happening.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,029,399 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveToLaugh
Trimac20 ...ugh...remember when you were in your early teens and any reaction from your penis made you think you were in love?
As you got older with less reactions, then it was what your buddies thought about who you thought was cute; that was the signal of whether it was love or not?
I look at it this way--instant love from dating is a recent invention when you look at humanity. Unions were arranged between families. They weren't all ending in lovelessness forever but those that found love, found love as they work toward some dream, goal etc. even if the goal was simply having a family.
Growing with each other... I dunno man, its always been to me, can you take the hurt of growing together knowing to make it you will hurt each other. Maturity seems a painful path of sharing and love comes out of it? Since I like people, I've asked people questions from all types of lifestyles...
Nobody escapes pain but some do find a deep love between each other going through it with lots of forgiveness sprinkle in.
Exactly. This ideal of 'love at first sight' is almost a Hollywood invention. It mostly doesn't seem to work in the real life. What is a poor boy to think who has nothing real life to go by, only silly movies or TV show depictions? Those movies seldom reveal actually what is going on in the characters heads as they fall in love. It 'just happens.'
How on earth am I supposed to expect any girl to fall for me if I can't get her to be interested in me?
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