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She expects him to act like her boyfriend just so she can dump him when she goes off to school when they are not even in an official relationship. That is the problem I am having with this.
You don't get respect out of people you treat like paper cups.
Its not gonna happen.
You make a good point there. They aren't exclusive and she is planning on dumping him.
OP...I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too. If he knows you are planning on dumping him he may not feel that you are worth the effort at this point. He's just taking what he can from you before you leave. If you don't like it, don't allow him to do that.
I'm only moving 45 mins away and we both agreed we wanted to stay friends and that he'd come up and visit and I'd see him when I was down, but I don't think it makes sense to commit to anything when I'm leaving. As much as I personally deny it, I guess technically he is my boyfriend. We've been together for over a year and he has been faithful to me (as far as I know) even though he's not obligated to. And calls me "the wife" as his friends all call their girlfriends.
I think my biggest concern is that I am blaming him for the **** my ex put me through, or that maybe I'm letting him do things to me because it's not as bad as what my ex did to me? I used to have my **** together and know exactly what was going on, but after dating an emotional terrorist it kind of confuses you about relationships.
I think you are probably doing both. You are breaking up over a 45 minute drive? That just doesn't even make any sense. People commute to work and that is a common transpo time.
But really do you expect him to be a lovey all the time when you are ditching him?
Are you just making excuses not to get close to someone again?
The dude is flakey. If you are not with him and have your life plans set out to go to school and leave him behind. But you really can't blame him on flaking out when you are doing the same for the long term.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dammit 7
How am I flaking on him? He has known since we met that eventually I would need to go to college. That's what people my age do, I don't think that makes you a flake.
You are flaking because you chose to quit the relationship as is. You are only 45 minutes away. Not hours. Not even an hour.
Yeh..a lot of people dump their boyfriends/girlfriends for school. It doesn't make you evil. But it doesn't make you in a relationship either, it takes you out of one.
You make a good point there. They aren't exclusive and she is planning on dumping him.
OP...I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too. If he knows you are planning on dumping him he may not feel that you are worth the effort at this point and he's just taking what he can from you before you leave.
I'm not dumping him, I just don't want him to feel like he has to be with me when I leave. It's just as much his choice what happens when I leave as mine. We don't know what's going to happen... maybe when I leave he'll get sick of coming to see me, or maybe we'll get married (not actually). I'm just saying we don't know what's going to happen when I leave, or even before I leave.
I guess maybe this is something I should talk with him about, because I never saw it like that. That me leaving would bother him like that. Thanks for all of the input.
I don't think I am codependent at all. I just expect that if someone says they will call or they will be somewhere than they should. I wouldn't do that to anyone whether they be a boyfriend, friend, someone I barely know. And I don't think I expect very much, a dinner or a walk outside once every couple weeks is all that I need. Is that really a lot to ask?
I'd re-think that issue, you sound codependent to me. Have some self-respect and don't allow this guy to treat you this way. When a guy comes over late and has sex with you, and never goes out with you, he's using you. Screw the "working 60 hours a week" excuse. Been there, done that. It's no excuse to "hit and run" and it's no excuse not to have the common courtesy to show up when he says he will and be considerate of your feelings.
You're allowing him to treat you this way by continuing to go along. Stop it and recover your self- respect. And forget wondering whether you're "blaming him for things your ex did" - quit making excuses for him! (That's codependency!)
He's treating you like crap, sorry, but it's true. Hope you can make the break. You deserve better.
Respect is a two way street. She made him change for her just so she can dump him when it suits her needs. What is that? She can flake on him when she feels like it but he can't? Double standards.
I do think its a lot different to go out vs. staying in. The last thing I want to do when working like that is go out.
As I read it, the guy knew going in that this relationship had a shelf life. If the terms weren't agreeable, he could have opted out. But, he chose not only to go along with it, but to say things to her like he cares about her and that he wants to make her happy, and calls her "the wife". The guy has to take some accountability here.
Double standard? Come on. Telling someone what time it is up front is a lot different from repeatedly breaking promises. And, expecting someone to act with common courtesy isn't the same as making someone change. There is no excuse whatsoever for the way this guy is acting. It would be unacceptable if this is how he was treating an acquaintance, a friend, or anyone else this way, and it is certainly unacceptable here.
I need to know if the guy I am with is manipulating me?
I have been with a guy for over a year. We have never made it official, which is both of our decision (I'm moving away for school soon and have no intentions of doing the long distance thing). He tells me he cares about me and he doesn't just use me for sex, but I have trouble believing it. I was emotionally abused and on few occasions physically abused by my ex, so I have trouble trusting people. It concerns me that the guy I’m with now knows what my ex did to me and still treats me badly. I’m worried he might be taking advantage of what was done to me by my ex. But I’m also worried I might be blaming him for something someone else did to me as well.
Anyways, on to the issue. He tells me he'll call, and never does. Then makes up some lame excuse in the morning like his phone died or he fell asleep and apologizes. He tells me he'll be over at a certain time, and shows up several hours late (and sometimes doesn’t even show up at all), and always has some equally as lame excuse. I’ve requested several times that he just send me a text if he’s going to be late, and he always promises he will. Of course that never changes.
He doesn’t seem to make much time for me anymore, when he does it’s usually at night. We do have a healthy sexual relationship, which is good because I usually get bored of sex with the same person relatively quickly. But it just makes me wonder if there is a reason (other than the 60 hrs/wk that he works) that we never do anything other than have sex, cuddle and watch movies, or sleep. I ask him to go out and do stuff with me all the time, but he doesn’t ever want to, and says he’s too tired. When ever I get upset and cry or tell him it’s over he acts like I’m the most important person in the world and says he will try to make me happy. And I must admit there were many things in the past that had upset me and he really has changed those things for me. But the thing that has made me the most upset over the past year is how late he always is, and that has never changed.
I guess I just don’t know if he really does care about me and I am just being sort of crazy? Or if he really is just using me for his sexual desires and manipulating me into staying? I don’t know what to do, please help!
Honestly, I wouldn't stay with anyone (friend, boyfriend, relative, etc.), who repeatedly no-showed without a call, showed up hours late, or any of that other non-sense.
Whether or not you are leaving, you deserved to be treated with respect.
I had a FWB who would never have treated me like that - if he had, he would have been a goner.
In a way, you're actually using him. Given that you want to him to play hubby with you--until you leave next year. ? What kind of "friend" is that? Nah, lady, it takes two. Either leave or sump it and lump it.
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