What constitutes divorce? (date, man, loving, too young)

[Sam I Am]

I just thought maybe if we had an idea of what was going on we might be able to direct this young mother a little better. I didn't ask her to justify, I asked for a "for instance".

"You're a lousy cook" and "You're a fat, horrible hag, no one wants you and I don't know why I put up with you and the snot-nose kid, you're both repulsive human beings" are two entirely different things. One is a problem in the household that can be worked on and hopfully corrected, one is a problem in the relationship that is simply the tip of the iceberg. The things you list in your second paragraph are indeed abusive, there's no doubt. You can feel beat up emotionally by being told you're a lousy cook, but you can lose all self-respect being called a worthless hag or threatened. I was trying to determine if she is in fear for her well-being or just simply tired of struggling with it all. One requires immediate action, the other may not.

[Mooseketeer]

Trying to get someone into counselling for over three years must be utterly soul destroying and I must admit I would have given up a long time ago. Love and Respect are two way streets, trying your hardest when someone is ignoring your views and feelings and pretending nothing is wrong has got to be about the worst in a relationship.

Nobody deserves to be ignored and put though such pain and feel diminished in such a way. ALL couples argue , all couples have disagreements but if there is no communication , and the marriage feels like a monologue then sadly it sounds as though the end of the road beckons. The most important though is to get support from as many people as possible as that road is bound to be pretty lonely otherwise. There are so many networks nowadays which can help you move forward as well as of course the invaluable role to be played by friends and relatives if those are available too. Nobody needs to do this utterly alone.

My Parents got divoced when I was just under four and I thank my lucky stars they did. I remember as a small child hating the "atmosphere" and the arguments and even though neither of my parents ever willfully involved me, you do pick up on all the passive agressive nature of the relationship, the toxic "air", the lack of love and the constant latent aggression. It is just healthy.

Divorce does not have to be the worst thing for a child. Much better to have two parents who have a chance at being happy separately than being miserable together. Even at four I was relieved to be taken away from that environment. It was much harder on my parents than on me I suspect. Kids are remarkably resilient creatures, as long as things are explained to them and they are not made to feel responsible , or somehow less loved and wanted I think they rebound astonishingly quickly IMO.

Divorce is a horrible thing to have to go through, nobody denies that , but compared to living what is basically the biggest compromise of all, the ultimate in self denial and lying to yourself , trying to "settle" it has to be the only truly positive step forward. There is life after divorce, it is not a death sentence ! Regrettable and extremely sad yes but there is a brighter future, happiness at the end of the road.


Life is too short to deny yourself the chance to be fulfilled and happy !

[Keeper]

I have to agree with Sam having been in an emotionally abusive marriage myself. For me the final straw was the way he treated our children when they started getting older. I tried to make it work and even went to counseling for 1 visit where he talked for the whole 2 hours and then when we left said 'He didn't need to go back'. That right there was the day I knew I had to get out.

You know sometime ppl say things without realizing they are hurting you with their words. No marriage no matter how good your marriage is, there are times when your SO will say something that will hurt your feelings. Men and women often don't intend to hurt you but we often hear things that are not intended. When a man says ' Are you really going to wear that dress?" That can mean a lot of things to the woman wearing that dress. The same can be said when a women might say 'Those pants don't go with that shirt'. Now was those things meant to hurt or help? It is all in what you heard.

[bellakin123]

Originally Posted by AnonymousMoi

Going through a very hard time right now so I was wondering...
What would happen for you to say "Goodbye! I want a divorce!" ?
I'm a 22yr old SAHM with a 10 month old son. I don't think I can take the emotional abuse any longer. The thought of my husband makes me angry, sad, depressed.
Have tried to get him into counseling for 3 years, he's always avoided it or talked me out of it.
I wish I'd never let it get this far, I don't want to hurt our son by breaking up but don't know if I can take it any longer.

Why would you marry someone and have a child with him if you've been trying to get him into counseling for 3 years? Based on your comment, he hasn't suddenly become abusive, correct? I'm not judging but trying to understand something here. Is it possible you have postpartum depression? When did you start feeling that you wanted to leave him? And I have to agree with some other posters asking if it's emotional abuse with the intent to hurt. Pregnancy and postpartum affect a women physically but most of all mentally. Many women don't even realize it's postpartum. I think you really should evaluate what exactly your husband is saying to you and determine if it's intentionally said to hurt you or if you're being sensitive due to possible PPD. You're a young mother taking care of a 10 month old. My guess is you don't sleep much or very well, you're taking care of the home, cooking, cleaning, laundry? You're overwhelmed. If your husband has always been this way and he refuses counseling then I suggest you leave. Don't let your son grow up in a household like that. Stop the chain from recycling now. You don't want to raise a son whose wife will be feeling like you do now. Good luck to you. I hope it all works out.

[SD4020]

If it is true abuse then yes jump ship. As far as qualifications and criteria, that is moot.

Happiness is a personal responsibility that you can't rely on someone else to give. Also everyone should have some sort of marketible skill to sustain them and any children.

[Djuna]

I suggest you speak with your parents and see if they can help you. You really need to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship, they don't improve. You are certainly young enough to move along in your life.

The key points here are getting some job skills. Being independent gives you power and that's what you are lacking in now.

[jimboburnsy]

Originally Posted by AnonymousMoi

Going through a very hard time right now so I was wondering...
What would happen for you to say "Goodbye! I want a divorce!" ?
I'm a 22yr old SAHM with a 10 month old son. I don't think I can take the emotional abuse any longer. The thought of my husband makes me angry, sad, depressed.
Have tried to get him into counseling for 3 years, he's always avoided it or talked me out of it.
I wish I'd never let it get this far, I don't want to hurt our son by breaking up but don't know if I can take it any longer.

Marrying young and starting a family young is a recipe for a lot of struggling. Keep in mind that ALL pastures look greener to a SAHM who is in many ways still a baby herself, is not getting any sleep, has no sex-drive, has a sex-deprived and (possibly) sleep-deprived husband snapping at her and has a 10 month old stuck to her all day.

This passes. Whether or not your husband is truly the abusive man that you allege will become more clear when you're actually getting eight hours of sleep every night and if he is making more money and improving your situation. Don't have any more kids until you can handle it.

Based on what little information you've provided, going through a divorce right now would be a mistake and it will likely be much easier on your husband than it will be on you. Having him out of the picture isn't likely to be the relief that it seems like it would be and the financial issues that it will create are not likely to be worth it. The prudent course is probably to stick it out for a bit. Cooler, better-rested heads prevail.

[AnonymousMoi]

Originally Posted by Sam I Am

I just thought maybe if we had an idea of what was going on we might be able to direct this young mother a little better. I didn't ask her to justify, I asked for a "for instance".

"You're a lousy cook" and "You're a fat, horrible hag, no one wants you and I don't know why I put up with you and the snot-nose kid, you're both repulsive human beings" are two entirely different things. One is a problem in the household that can be worked on and hopfully corrected, one is a problem in the relationship that is simply the tip of the iceberg. The things you list in your second paragraph are indeed abusive, there's no doubt. You can feel beat up emotionally by being told you're a lousy cook, but you can lose all self-respect being called a worthless hag or threatened.

I can't quote every one here, but thank you all for your honest opinions. I appreciate them all.
I met my husband when I was 15 almost 16 and he was 20. Now I'm 22 and he's 27. I was raised by a single parent who never dated. The only time I saw people in relationships was on TV and in highschool so I have learned everything as I go.
Yes I was stupid to have stayed with my husband this long, I can say with all honesty I have low self esteem... but since having my son I've felt stronger. If I had the chance to do it all over again, without knowing we would have a beautiful baby boy, I sure as hell would say NO WAY! However, I was given an amazing child and I'm okay with that.
There has been past infidelity on his part, gaming addicting, emotional abuse... etc... I'm not saying I've never done anything wrong but I know I haven't been mean and cruel like he has.
About 3 years ago we had a huge blow up and I left him for a few days, but ended up calling him one night because he had become my family. My best friend. He promised to get into counseling and just... never did. I was working and going to school and I just didn't purse it which I should have.
When I say emotional abuse I mean first it was controlling me in highschool because he was jealous of all the little guys I went to school with. Then when we moved in together it was controlling who came over to the house. Then it was making fun of my weight (over 4 years together I'd gained 10 lbs), then our huge blow up 3 years ago really put me into a rut and I gained more weight which lead to more ridicule, less sex etc...
Now he makes fun of my weight (yeah I'm over weight but I'm active, I hike, swim, and enjoy all sorts of out door activities and I eat healthy. I'm just still working off the weight from my pregnancy) and my cooking, my "laziness" because last week I cooked, cleaned, did laundry and dishes and took care of our son, HOWEVER for 2 nights I'd left the clean laundry in our bedroom and hadn't folded it I "don't work" and "didn't do a damn thing" all week. I am also a part time photographer and have been quite busy. I share the money I make or it goes to our son.
Anyway.... back to right after our blow up 3 years ago.
Things went good for a year and we'd been engaged so I started pushing to finally get married. A few months after we started planning to get married I found out I was pregnant. We were both excited. We moved out wedding up (our son was due 1 month after our wedding would have been and we were planning a destination wedding so no way I would be able to fly that far along)
We got married, I became a stay at home wife then we had our son and I'm a stay at home mom. I love being home with my son.
The only straight forward, no negative to cancel-it-out, compliment I've recieved from my husband in 3 years has been "you're a great mom." Generally a compliment from my husband is "Wow, the green beans aren't soggy tonight," "The house looks clean today, you actually got off your ass," "Dinner is good hun, now only if you cooked this good everynight"
I'm cooking shrimp, salmon, steaks, tacos... it's not like we eat Hamburger helper every night..in fact we haven't had HH in like5 years.
My day goes something like this:
4am - up and making my husband his lunch then go back to sleep
7am - son wakes up and I change and feed him and play with him while I pick up the house
9am - dishes and start laundry
10am - son goes down for nap I start editing pictures for my clients
12pm - son wakes up and I change and feed him and play with him
2:30 - husband gets home, gives our son a big hug and kiss, says hi to me, asks when dinner will be ready and goes to play video games
3pm - finishing chores, playing with son, usually we go do something outside at this time
4pm - son goes down for another nap
5pm - son wakes up, dinner is ready, husband comes and eats and goes back to playing video games
7pm - bath time for our son
8pm - night time for our son
8:15 - pick up the house and start editing more pictures.
12am - sleep.
My husband does help out with our son sometimes. He's not a horrible father.
I definitley do NOT want to stay in a relationship just for the child because I know he'll see how his father treats me but I have always wanted him to have what I never had, 2 parents. I told my husband to make an appointment with a counselor. I'm done playing his games.

[AnonymousMoi]

Originally Posted by jimboburnsy

Marrying young and starting a family young is a recipe for a lot of struggling. Keep in mind that ALL pastures look greener to a SAHM who is in many ways still a baby herself, is not getting any sleep, has no sex-drive, has a sex-deprived and (possibly) sleep-deprived husband snapping at her and has a 10 month old stuck to her all day.

This passes. Whether or not your husband is truly the abusive man that you allege will become more clear when you're actually getting eight hours of sleep every night and if he is making more money and improving your situation. Don't have any more kids until you can handle it.

Based on what little information you've provided, going through a divorce right now would be a mistake and it will likely be much easier on your husband than it will be on you. Having him out of the picture isn't likely to be the relief that it seems like it would be and the financial issues that it will create are not likely to be worth it. The prudent course is probably to stick it out for a bit. Cooler, better-rested heads prevail.

My son is 10 months old and has been sleeping through the night since 1 month old. It's not lack of sleep for sure. My son has been such an easy baby, he's happy, healthy, and has learned everything 2-3 months early.

[jimboburnsy]

Originally Posted by AnonymousMoi

My son is 10 months old and has been sleeping through the night since 1 month old. It's not lack of sleep for sure. My son has been such an easy baby, he's happy, healthy, and has learned everything 2-3 months early.

The post you made right after mine fills in some blanks. I know that type. They don't change.