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Just wanted to come on and say that this has been a very eye opening thread with all kinds of opinions. The reason it drew my attention was because I feel that I am staying in my marriage for all the wrong reasons.
My husband and I are in marriage counseling and it's not going well. He started abusing alcohol 2 years ago(after 15 years of sobriety) and our lives got turned upside down. My son never saw him drink, though, as my husband would drink after we all went to bed. There were times I'd catch him at 5:30 AM still drinking and I would send him to bed. He got a DUI in AZ a few months back and claimed it was his bottom. It wasn't. As far as I know, he was still drinking on the sly in early August. He has proclaimed that he is not drinking anymore but he is not going to AA or any counseling on his own. I attend Al Anon, have my own therapist, and am very active in my own recovery from codependency. It's amazing how I became crazy when I discovered how he was hiding his alcohol and lying about everything under the sun.
Anyway, our son is 13, and I have always homeschooled him. I have not worked since he was born and I am financially dependent upon my husband. My son has brain damage from birth which affects his memory along with having ADHD and Tourette's so it's been nice to homeschool and get him help when needed. He has had tutors, sees a neuropsychologist and her team regularly, and also goes to his own counselor. He is a very athletic kid and talented in tennis, we travel for tournaments and he plays at a high level.
I often worry about what would happen if I were to separate or leave my H. How much of the things that we afford for our son now would have to go away or change? What are my job opportunities after being out of the workplace for 14 years? I'm not afraid to live in a little apartment or of selling my car and driving a beat up car, etc. I just want to make sure we have the right opportunities to get my son the educational assistance he needs along with the counseling, etc. Many of the things we have to pay for with him are paid out of pocket and insurance won't cover it or they will only pay a portion.
Anyway, so I guess I can say that I stay in my marriage in the hope that we can learn to work together and possibly regain some trust back in the marriage but also because I feel it's the best place for our son so that he can get the right tutoring, help, etc. I had met with school systems last year and they actually felt that homeschooling was a good idea for him and that they weren't sure the school would have the right combination of tools to help him. They told me he'd get lost in the crowd and possibly have issues with his peers, etc. My son's life is hard enough as it is, I don't want to make it any more difficult by throwing him to the school and just praying they can figure him out in time enough to get him graduated.
In the home, my H and I get along well enough. There is no fighting, we're just going through the motions. We eat meals together, watch tv shows together, discuss the finances without arguing, etc. We just don't have much affection for each other. Mostly because I don't trust him with my emotions or my feelings(let alone the fact that I'm not so sure he's really quit drinking, either). The only time we argue is when I challenge him on how he's breaking the law whenever he travels for work. He rents cars on his ignition interlock issued license and that's considered a suspended license if he were caught. It's totally against the law, he'd be looking at jail time in the states he travels to for work, and I am guessing he may even be drinking while traveling too. As long as I leave that subject alone, we get along fine. I don't know, though, how much longer I can go accepting the unacceptable behavior. I'm constantly weighing the pros and cons of going or staying. Thanks for reading!
Divorce is a financial train wreck. I am amicably divorced from my husband and we still wrangle about finances.
Because your son has special needs, I would suggest you stay until you have a long term plan in place both for him and for yourself. What are his long term goals once he finishes high school? Will he be able to support himself? If you are divorced, will your husband participate in your son's care?
I would also ask what marketable skills you have and start thinking about going back to work or continuing your education. It isn't like "Alice" anymore, just get in the car and drive until Mel hires you to work in a diner. If you have education or training in a field, look into potential part time work. If you need new skills, look into a certification program. With your experience in special education, you may have knowledge that would be valuable to others. one thing I considered that is relatively high paying per hour is Massage Therapy. Just an example. If you need to go back to school, start now, quietly, one class at a time.
I know it is extra hard because your husband travels for work. Mine did also, and entertaining those clients at dinner did lead to a LOT of drinking. He got mad because I didn't want to drink more; he felt comfortable with those societal conventions that go along with drinking and felt uncomfortable being sober with me. Have you considered anonymously turning him in re: the suspended license? He's breaking the law and if he kills someone, you'll really be up a creek.....
Sounds like you kind of feel like you've got a sword of Damocles over your head. I'm sorry - it sounds like a terrible situation. However, what happens should your husband implode further? I mean, he says he's sober - is he going to AA regularly? I don't think that you think he is, and if you SUSPECT he's drinking and he's getting defensive about it, I'd say that yeah, he's still drinking - that's the nature of addicts. So you could have your life implode anyway should he go to prison or have further suspensions on his license. I view this as an eventuality, rather than a possibility, so I think you should just take charge when the most control is actually in your hands.
What is your education level and professional background? Is there anything entrepreneurial you could do? My feeling is that you have equipped your son as best as anyone could and you know what he needs. Sooner or later he is going to have to go out into the wider world, and maybe now is not the ideal time, but it's really rare we get to control things that well. Are there any private schools that might suit him and that have scholarship/financial aid programs?
The first thing you should do is see a lawyer in order to understand how much you are entitled to and what you can expect. I would plan on your husband's complete implosion should you leave, however - it will be just the excuse he is looking for, and he'll be able to blame it all on you, in his mind. So understand what you're legally entitled to, but plan as if you are going to receive nothing.
But it's really just a matter of time before SOMETHING sets him off or comes down on him. You're going to be living in a perpetual state of uncertainty until that time, unless you make a move. That's just my opinion though - but I've lived with my own swords of Damocles from time to time, and it's rare that they don't come crashing down on you, in my experience.
To answer some of the questions here. I have a 4 year college degree and was a stockbroker in my former life, lol. I also was certified to teach yoga but haven't taught for 4 years now. I was thinking of starting a pet sitting or house sitting business for extra cash while I think about what career options there are for me part time.
Yes, there are 2 private schools here that work with special needs kids but they both cost well over 20k a year. I haven't really looked into scholarship opportunities as these schools are a 45 mile drive from my home, they just seemed quite a haul from home. I have been establishing credit in my name and have opened up an account in my name only.
As for my H, he's refusing to go to AA and has disregarded my request for him to go to counseling, as well. He says he is willing to work on the marriage but all I'm seeing is that he wants me to go back to being a doormat so that he can do what he wants without my interference. It's a tough situation and my greatest fear is that he'll do something stupid while he's out of state( like renting a car illegally isn't enough already?).
To answer some of the questions here. I have a 4 year college degree and was a stockbroker in my former life, lol. I also was certified to teach yoga but haven't taught for 4 years now. I was thinking of starting a pet sitting or house sitting business for extra cash while I think about what career options there are for me part time.
Yes, there are 2 private schools here that work with special needs kids but they both cost well over 20k a year. I haven't really looked into scholarship opportunities as these schools are a 45 mile drive from my home, they just seemed quite a haul from home. I have been establishing credit in my name and have opened up an account in my name only.
Your public school is required, by law, to provide services for your disabled child. It is not perfect. But something to consider.
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As for my H, he's refusing to go to AA and has disregarded my request for him to go to counseling, as well. He says he is willing to work on the marriage but all I'm seeing is that he wants me to go back to being a doormat so that he can do what he wants without my interference. It's a tough situation and my greatest fear is that he'll do something stupid while he's out of state( like renting a car illegally isn't enough already?).
He won't do anything he is not forced to do. Even then, he likly won't do anything. His bottle is his best friend. What are they telling you at AlAnon?
Why don't you trust him with your emotions or feelings?
He may be drinking because he's depressed.
Because he is emotionally abusive when we talk about us or the marriage. Most recently he told me that he thinks that every time we've had s*x for the past 17 years of marriage that he feared I would call him a rapist, just because I'm a rape victim. He still feels this way, as of last week, so s*x in our relationship is nonexistent. How can I be intimate with someone who has revealed that he thinks this way and continues to stand by these words? He also told me that if I get a job outside of the house,that our marriage would be over. He claims that I will meet someone else who will sweep me off my feet and that I will leave him. He's accused me of cheating, which is totally absurd. He blames me for everything; the reason he drinks, the reason he has to look at porn, the reason he walks on eggshells and has to hide his drinking, etc. very hard to trust someone who is inconsistent with their words or who says one thing but behaves another.
He is on antidepressants and is not supposed to drink on those meds and his doctor has made it very clear and has also told him to attend AA.
The resources are out there. Dig. Start with an abused women's shelter. They can direct you to education, support, health care and jobs. You are not the first.
A lawyer is NOT in it for you. They are in it to make fees. Sorry. Be cautious if you go down that road.
DO NOT STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN. There is nothing but bad, and worse, and really, really badly worse in it. You can count the number of relationships that have recovered from such circumstances on one hand.
Old expression: Leap, and the wings will open. Six months from now you will be stronger, more capable, and wondering why you did not make this move years ago.
Kudos to you for being such an awesome mom. You've provided your son with amazing building blocks.
Based on the information you've provided here, I would say look out for yourself and your son. You definitely need to build your experience and your thoughts on starting a business that allows you flexibility are right on. You can also talk to the folks at the special needs school you referenced on here - although it is $20K a year, perhaps if you worked there they would give you a steep discount or waive his tuition altogether.
You can also start an online business. As another poster pointed out, you have great expertise in special education - perhaps you can sell books online. You'd just have to find a good source that allows you a profit. You may even choose to write a book and get it published online (no real money in this, esp. in the early stages, but it could lead to something). You should research all you can on possibilities available to you.
It sounds like your social interaction may be a bit limited because you are at home with your son so much. If that's the case, get yourself out there a little more. Participate in your community. Develop a nice network for yourself.
It's good news that you and your husband have maintained a civil relationship on the surface, for your son. It sounds like he is not physically abusive, but I'd say he is emotionally abusive and definitely want to prevent you from moving forward. You should dismiss this and just keep going. [If you would have said that he was in the least bit physically abusive toward you or your son, I'd say run, run, run. But that doesn't seem to be the case.]
As far as outright leaving him - I would advise against it. Do as you wish and let him be the one who leaves (knowing his type, he won't. He's just trying to control you.) Your son only has a few years left at home. If you can move the two of you forward without taking your husband into account, do so. I know plenty of people on here advise you to just ditch him, but I think that would wreak havoc at home and the economic impact would be devastating. (The previous poster was 100% right when saying that lawyers won't be on your side - they'll be taking a big chunk of what you'll be hoping to split.) I know too many women who divorced and almost became homeless. It ain't pretty out there.
BUT, you have the advantage of being able to devise a good, solid plan. In a few years, when you are 100% prepared (and your son is older), you can ditch him (as your son gets older, too, your husband may leave due to embarrassment about his addictions and behavior).
The bit about your husband driving drunk all the time is something to give thought to. He very well could kill someone. I'd say give some thought into doing something about that.
One thing seems certain: he's not going to change. You and your son, however, have lots of room to do as you wish.
No wonder why he drinks. Comes home to a cold distant wife who only seems to be in it for finacial stability.
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