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I am recently retired from teaching. I am married but my relationship is very empty. My hubby is a good man but I'm not feeling it anymore after 28 years. We have tried counselling but nothing has changed.
We don't argue, fight, or discuss problems . That's not my doing, but he avoids confrontation so I just go along. We do not have an intimate physical relationship and it has been years since we have. I'm not interested in one either, but I think it speaks volumes about the rest of our relationship.
Here's my concern. I thought I could get by just staying in the marriage and doing my own thing.(but not getting involved with anyone else). I was wrong. I don't have the social network to go out on my own and start a life. ( I'm 58.) But I sometimes dream about a better life. Is it too late? Is it foolish to cut my finances in half if I do go for it? These are questions that plague me.
Also, my husband is really a good man. I just don't love him the way I should. In fact, I don't really know him. I'm getting more depressed each day. I just don't know if leaving would be worse than staying.
I really don't have any answers, however, I believe that when it's over, it's over. There are no dress rehersals in life, this is it, so, if you are unhappy, it might be in your best interest to move forward on your own.
My husband died 6 years ago (after a looooong illness), I live alone with my dogs, I am the happy and at peace. I downsized and live in a small house that fits me just perfectly!
Sometimes in life we need to reinvent ourselves, I did and have no regrets.
A person should only leave if they think they'd be happier ALONE without their spouse. One should never leave with the hope/intention of finding someone else/ better. That is never guaranteed.
At least your husband is not intolerable (i.e. he's a good guy and you're not fighting).
I am recently retired from teaching. I am married but my relationship is very empty. My hubby is a good man but I'm not feeling it anymore after 28 years. We have tried counselling but nothing has changed.
We don't argue, fight, or discuss problems . That's not my doing, but he avoids confrontation so I just go along. We do not have an intimate physical relationship and it has been years since we have. I'm not interested in one either, but I think it speaks volumes about the rest of our relationship.
Here's my concern. I thought I could get by just staying in the marriage and doing my own thing.(but not getting involved with anyone else). I was wrong. I don't have the social network to go out on my own and start a life. ( I'm 58.) But I sometimes dream about a better life. Is it too late? Is it foolish to cut my finances in half if I do go for it? These are questions that plague me.
Also, my husband is really a good man. I just don't love him the way I should. In fact, I don't really know him. I'm getting more depressed each day. I just don't know if leaving would be worse than staying.
What you are experiencing is not so uncommon, and you can turn things around if you both decide to do the work.
Start by getting Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages".
What you are experiencing is not so uncommon, and you can turn things around if you both decide to do the work.
Start by getting Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages".
Don't walk away until you've tried this first!
I haven't read the book but I'm familiar with the 5 love languages and I agree that it would be super helpful to learn your own order of love languages and your spouses!
I really feel for you, for the sounds of it the marriage has been a success but now it's over.
It happens.
What you should be asking yourself is, do you have the desire to spend the rest of your life "just miserable"?
If you look at it that way, it's a no-brainer.
Who says your husband doesn't deserve something better than you can offer him? Fair enough to decide to stay put for selfish reasons, but who are you really serving? Him? No. Yourself? No.
You say you're 58, is that too old, well I say you may have another 40 years left so do you want to spend them the same way you've spent the last 40, or do you think you deserve a chance at freedom and happiness and love? 58 is the new 40.
The kids are grown up and gone (if you had any), now you two are just "really excellent roommates". It's enough for some people but like it or not, you do not appear to be one of them.
At least treat yourself to a holiday alone, a complete break away from your routine. You will know when the holiday is over what your choice should be. If you are glad to be going home go him, then stay. If you dread returning home to him, then start about planning your new (happy, single, satisfying) life.
Re money - meh. It's a high price to pay to stay miserable. I'd much rather be broke and free than be a bird in a gilded cage.
I am recently retired from teaching. I am married but my relationship is very empty. My hubby is a good man but I'm not feeling it anymore after 28 years. We have tried counselling but nothing has changed.
We don't argue, fight, or discuss problems . That's not my doing, but he avoids confrontation so I just go along. We do not have an intimate physical relationship and it has been years since we have. I'm not interested in one either, but I think it speaks volumes about the rest of our relationship.
Here's my concern. I thought I could get by just staying in the marriage and doing my own thing.(but not getting involved with anyone else). I was wrong. I don't have the social network to go out on my own and start a life. ( I'm 58.) But I sometimes dream about a better life. Is it too late? Is it foolish to cut my finances in half if I do go for it? These are questions that plague me.
Also, my husband is really a good man. I just don't love him the way I should. In fact, I don't really know him. I'm getting more depressed each day. I just don't know if leaving would be worse than staying.
Well spirited, it sounds like my life when I read your post. I am 59 and was in a marriage just like yours. We were married 24 years, and I probably no longer loved him for several years before I finally left him. We also had no sex lives for years. I was miserable, depressed, quite unhappy. I thought constantly about my life and how unhappy I was, and cried daily about it. I felt very trapped. After a lot of thought I realized that the worse thing that could happen to me would be staying in this relationship and then dying and having never known what it would be like to be on my own, away from him, living my own life and doing what I wanted. That spurred me on to getting myself out of there. I got a P.O. Box, put my name on lists for low-income apts., got a safety deposit box to put things in that were mine, and told my ex that as soon as an apt. became available the kids and myself were leaving. You have to decide whether staying and being miserable and not wanting to hurt your husband is what you want, or getting out on your own, living your life on your own terms, and finding your happiness again.
First and foremost - you must realize that your happiness depends on no one else but yourself.
If you are depressed and using your husband as the excuse to be unhappy, it is NOT his responsibility to make you happy.
If you are using the state of your relationship as your excuse to think negative thoughts and be unhappy, then it is not your relationship's fault but the thoughts that you are thinking ABOUT the relationship.
Every stick has two ends - positive and negative.... And I know that your relationship has positive things about it that you could be focusing on instead.
Focus on those good things about your relationship. Remember the happy moments with your husband and how you felt when you first married him. Remember the love.
Appreciate the good things he has going for him now. (I'M SURE they are there. You just have to look for them.)
And as you appreciate and direct your focus to positive things, your relationship will CHANGE before your eyes to SUIT your perspective.
Change your perspective.
Take off those glasses and try on a new pair.
You're going to be fine.
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