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I've started a new relationship with a 27 y/o woman on May 2012 (I'm 33).
I've had some doubts at the beginning of this relationship (physical attraction related), but as time passed, her amazing character won me over. She is the most non-selfish, sensitive, and loving person I've ever met in my life. She loves me dearly, and I love her. We are not living together yet (she lives with her parents).
On August (3.5 months after we've started the relationship), totally out of the blue, she got a psychotic attack. I went with her family to the E.R, where she totally lost her mind and made a huge scene. They put her on psychiatric medication.
I've contacted a famous psychiatrist who is a good friend of my family, and he took her as a patient. At that point (a month and a half ago), he was optimistic and said this could be a one-time incident that will never repeat again (since no one in her family has a mental illness).
During the last 1.5 months, the concentrations of her medications were gradually reduced, as she slowly got back to her senses (and this was a SLOW process, and it was very hard to see her that way).
During all this time, she and her family were extremely thankful for my support, probably because our relationship is so fresh (I came to visit her almost every day, comforted her, went to the psychiatrist with her, did everything I could in order for her to get well).
A week ago, after she completely regained her sanity (and in my opinion went back to be exactly as she was before this whole nightmare started), as instructed by the psychiatrist, she stopped taking the psychiatric medication. As a result, several days after, the manic attack returned, and she lost her sanity all over again.
We went to the psychiatrist yesterday, and he sadly informed us (with her outside the room), that the fact that the manic symptoms returned now, strongly suggest that we were not dealing with a one-time "nervous breakdown" as he originally hoped, rather this is an onset of a mental illness, that will be a part of her for the rest of her life (a Bi-polar disorder, and not necessarily an easy one). He said that she will have to go back to medication for several months now, and there is no telling when and where another episode will happen again, but all chances are that it will happen since we're talking about a chronic situation.
I feel so bad about what happened to her. Her family is devastated by this. She does so not deserve this, she is such a good person that everybody loves. She loves me so much and she thank god every day that I'm with her and that at least she has me in her life (she had to quit her job because of this).
My father has bi-polar disorder, and so does his mother (his mother has it very very bad), so I have it in my family (but don't have it myself). My parents are divorced because of this mental illness (because of what it made my father do). They are both terrified about me continuing the relationship with her. She and her family don't know I have this in my family too.
I don't know what to do. How can I turn my back on her now ? I'm afraid it will kill her if I leave her now. She is in such a fragile condition mentally, and I'm the only good thing in her life currently.
I know that I owe her nothing. We're not married, just 5 months together, still, my conscience is killing me.
If you were in my shoes, how would you handle the situation?
Last edited by jonesy123; 10-16-2012 at 03:26 AM..
Do not stay with someone because you think it will kill her - it won't and you won't be the reason if it did and you'll be miserable either way.
With that said, bi-polar disorder is a treatable condition and you probably come in contact with a number of people who have it and don't know it. The biggest problem with bi-polars is they miss the 'highs' the medication dulls and constantly go on and off their medication which triggers episodes.
Even with the religious taking of medication a patient can and will 'cycle' and an episode may occur or a period of time where the patient is high or low for an extended period - maybe a couple weeks to a month and sometimes stress will trigger it, but on medication the episodes aren't drastic, maybe a lot of tears or sleeping a lot.
For the most part, bi-polar disorder, once treated, is typically manageable to a degree. There is an unreliablity factor, meaning you don't know what will happen in the morning when you wake up. A person can often hold a job and carry on a fairly normal life, others cannot because they never know how they will feel the next day.
It often takes years of experimentation with various medications and tweeks of doses before a bi-polar person finds what works for them.
One thing to keep in mind when deciding if a mate with bi-polar disorder is a person you choose to take on is children. One, their ability to care for them, post-partum depression is a trigger with bi-polars, and the heridatary aspects. Also, ask yourself, as you mentioned in the above post, her charismatic personality will change to a dulled even keeled personality and you may lose that part of her personality that you were so attracted to because of the medication are you prepared for that?
The seriousness of her illness is not one to be taken lightly, as it sounds like she has a pretty bad case of it. If you can't handle it, leaving now or later is not going to be any different and may be worse for her later on. If you wait months or years after she has stablized to degree, the outcome for her may be 10 times worse than now.
I admire your compassion for this situation. Bi-polar people come in many shapes and sizes and types and unfortunately, you have a person with a very bad case of it through no fault of her own.
We went to the psychiatrist yesterday, and he sadly informed us (with her outside the room), that the fact that the manic symptoms returned now, strongly suggest that we were not dealing with a one-time "nervous breakdown" as he originally hoped, rather this is an onset of a mental illness, that will be a part of her for the rest of her life (a Bi-polar disorder, and not necessarily an easy one).
I'd get a second opinion. Your psychiatrist broke the law by telling you (who is not legally family at all) anything about her prognosis without her being present.
Thank you very very much for your kind answer Thursday007.
Assuming I do want to leave, how should I do this with minimal damage to her ? I don't want her to think that she is flawed now and that's the reason I'm leaving. I want to minimize her suffering to the bare minimum possible.
My parents told me I can tell her (of course not now, but in 2-3 weeks when she regains her senses) I have it in my family too, and because both of us carry the genes, this drastically increase the chances of our children suffering from it too, so we better find partners who do not have it (at least not to their knowledge). What do you think ?
Last edited by jonesy123; 10-16-2012 at 03:49 AM..
I'd get a second opinion. Your psychiatrist broke the law by telling you (who is not legally family at all) anything about her prognosis without her being present.
Her family was in the room with me. They all treat me as family. He couldn't tell her anything yesterday, she is acting like an 8 year old girl.
He is a known professor, he's written academy books on the subject. I can ask for a second opinion, but he's as good as they come...
Thank you very very much for your kind answer Thursday007.
Assuming I do want to leave, how should I do this with minimal damage to her ? I don't want her to think that she is flawed now and that's the reason I'm leaving. I want to minimize her suffering to the bare minimum possible.
My parents told me I can tell I have it in my family too, and because both of us carry the genes, this drastically increase the chances of our children suffering from it too, so we better find partners who do not have it (at least not to their knowledge). What do you think ?
You bow out as you would any other relationship you've left. This is no different. If you are not in a position to handle it in a relationship, but want to be a support system then just say it. I care for you, but I must admit I am not prepared to handle this type of situation.
You bow out as you would any other relationship you've left. This is no different. If you are not in a position to handle it in a relationship, but want to be a support system then just say it. I care for you, but I must admit I am not prepared to handle this type of situation.
But she is not exactly sane now. Don't you think I should wait 2-3 weeks for her to come back to her senses ?
But she is not exactly sane now. Don't you think I should wait 2-3 weeks for her to come to her senses ?
Sure, and it sounds like you are close to her parents. Talk to them about it and see what input they can give you. I think they would be your best source for advice on the hows and whens.
First of all, there's no question you owe this girl anything more than you've given her, which sounds like a lot of kindness and support.
Her biggest problem in life is NOT going to be losing you. She has far bigger problems and like an alcoholic, probably needs to deal with them first before she enters any relationships.
I imagine you will just be able to distance yourself gradually. She may well be in for some residential treatment, she certainly is not going to be better overnight. You can probably just fade into friendship.
We all have our "deal breakers" and psychosis would be high on the list for most people.
I agree that things should be done very gradually. And Thursday007's advice of talking with her parents is also very good.
This is amazing, about 2 weeks before her 1st psychotic episode happened, we talked about an article we read online, the article was about a guy who left his fiance two months after she had a stroke and lost many mental functions (like being able to talk, etc.). Eventually after a year of rehab she regained all her abilities. People who responded to this article said he was cruel for leaving her, and wished him all the worse in the world.
My girlfriend asked me back then what would I have done in such a situation, and I told her I don't know. We both agreed eventually that it will be unfair to ask a partner to stay in such a situation (assuming the couple are not married). 2 weeks after, this happens... can you believe this ???
Last edited by jonesy123; 10-16-2012 at 05:08 AM..
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