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I am having trouble with my boyfriend's family. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now and we are very in love. We are both 21. I am in college and he is as well, though he is not sure of what he wants to do, I am very very ambitious and have my goals set out for me since I was a kid. The only real problem we have are these family issues.
We are each other's world. We are even seriously talking about marriage when we are done with college and move into a house. Because we are so serious and in love, it hurts to have these problems with his family and sometimes makes me think if I'm healthy for him. I really couldn't imagine my life without him, we're each other's rock.
I am a soft-spoken person, but warm and kind when people talk to me. When I go over to his house, (he still lives with his parents during college), his parents never say hi to me. I am always the one to say hi first and ask how things are going, and since I'm shy its hard to just go up and be all outspoken and hug and whatnot. I am very polite and sometimes even cook for them, since the parents never cook. They eat fast food or at restaurants every night. They usually are just watching t.v. and pay no mind to me. I'm not used to this as my mother always welcomes my boyfriend very warmly and asks him millions of questions about school and work! It makes him feel very welcomed, and I wish I could feel that with his parents.
I am not close to his family at all because of this. His family also has such different values. I grew up with a father who abused alcohol so much (every day) that he also abused me, my sisters, and my mom. You can guess that alcohol has really scarred me and I choose not to be around it because of those memories. When I see his family at gatherings a few times a year, all they do is drink until they are so drunk that they control what my boyfriend and I are doing that night and say they need us to be the DD for them without asking before hand. I never really see them normally, they are usually all just drunk at these family events. They also are heavy pot smokers and any time I see the mom, she is always high and the house smells of pot. I am definitely not a drinker/drug user and he does not do those things either, but gets mad at me for having those feelings about the drinking at his gatherings. Yes, I am aware that I should just suck it up and put my big girl panties on for those gatherings despite my past, but I think the problem is not just the traumatic memories with alcohol but the fact that I can never get to know them due to them always being drunk when I see them.
His mom doesn't care for me. She never asks me how school is going, never asks me questions whatsoever. When we do talk (which is rare), we talk about her or general things. Usually when I come over, she ignores me and talks to my boyfriend and doesnt look at me. it's also very hard to connect with her because she doesn't respect that I go to school. We are totally different people, she is a party girl and I am ambitious, nurturing and responsible. I also have a feeling that my boyfriend is a bit of a mommy's boy because he never thinks anything she does is rude. He has never stood up for us when they have ruined our plans and thinks the world of his mom even though she never cooks, cleans, and smokes pot all day, and constantly drinks. One time we got in a fight about this and he said, "I WILL choose my mother of you sometimes! Deal with it!".. Hearing that hurt my heart because he has led me to think I am the woman and love of his life. I put him above anything and will in marriage just as the bible says to (sorry to offend anyone, I am religious). I would do anything for him and constantly show my love and affection. It also hurts because when I bring up that she never talks to me, he turns the tables and says "Well you could go and talk to her too you know.." I am always the one to ask her questions first..and Am I supposed to knock on her door while shes in her room? Especially when we're not that acquainted yet?
I get so jealous that he chooses his mom over me that its to the point of tension when his family gets brought up in conversations. he said he has to hide things about his family because he thinks there will be tension. He is very close to them and does not care about the bad things they do. This may be the one thing that could bring us down and I dont want it to. Any suggestions for me? Do we need counseling? Thank you so much. I want to save this relationship, I dont believe in going separate ways if it can be fixed. I dont give up on people I love that easily..
There are several big red flags waving in your face. They are not going to change and their lifestyle is toxic at best.
You want to believe that you are the "Love of his life", he has made it clear that is not the case.
If you decide to continue this relationship, then be prepared for alot of problems, personally,I think that you need to get your career on track before you consider marrying him or anyone else, what's the rush?
Hi, I really appreciate the time you took to reply to my question. Thank you so, so much. Can I please ask if you could explain why you dont think he thinks Im the love of his life? This is really helping me realize a lot. Any advice helps. Thank you. I guess I might have love blinders on..
Well, mature advice is what you asked for....I want to tell you that what you witness now with his family, will only become more problematic if you do marry him. Imagine you married, to him...you have small children...and your hubby wan't to drop everything to go rescue his parents from a bar or event. Imagine your children, visiting at GrandMa and GranPa's house....will you ever trust them with your children??? And, what if GMa & GPa get busted....and your children are there. Your children will be taken to social services, maybe taken away from you...because anyone responsible would not allow people that do these substances to watch their children. Also, the fact that you are aware makes you an accessory to the crime.
I know you've been together a long time...But you need to really think if this is how you want your life to go....and people addicted to these things do progressively get worse. You sound level headed, and like you have a good future ahead of you, if you meet someone w/ your same values. If you are involved w/ someone that doesn't share your values, everything you do will be at risk...your children, your job, your home....everything. He has already told you he chooses his Mom....Better really decide if you and any children can live this way forever...Or find someone worthy of you. Good luck to you.
You are a girlfriend and not a wife. That having been said, his lack of concern for your feelings does not bode well for your future with him. I doubt if he is going to change after the wedding.
Unless you want to have to deal with his slovenly, annoying, rude and obnoxious family for the rest of your life, you had better find another boyfriend pronto. Keep in mind, too that if you have children with this man, eventually, they are going to be subjected to the drunken, pot-smoking grandparents who will, undoubtedly, want to spend a lot of time *alone* with your kids. What are you going to do then?
Find a boy with similar values who respects you. Otherwise there is nothing but heartache ahead for you, I'm very sorry to say.
They usually are just watching t.v. and pay no mind to me.
When I see his family at gatherings a few times a year, all they do is drink until they are so drunk that they control what my boyfriend and I are doing that night and say they need us to be the DD for them without asking before hand.
They also are heavy pot smokers and any time I see the mom, she is always high and the house smells of pot.
He gets mad at me for having those feelings about the drinking at his gatherings.
His mom doesn't care for me.
She never asks me how school is going, never asks me questions whatsoever.
Usually when I come over, she ignores me and talks to my boyfriend and doesnt look at me.
She doesn't respect that I go to school.
He never thinks anything she does is rude.
He has never stood up for us when they have ruined our plans and thinks the world of his mom even though she never cooks, cleans, and smokes pot all day, and constantly drinks.
One time we got in a fight about this and he said, "I WILL choose my mother of you sometimes! Deal with it!"
When I bring up that she never talks to me, he turns the tables and says "Well you could go and talk to her too you know.."
He chooses his mom over me.
He said he has to hide things about his family because he thinks there will be tension.
The words in bold show how he has not made you the priority in his life.
Read over your words here and think about what you would tell a friend who had told you these things.
Imagine if your daughter said this to you. Jan beat me to this part, but it is SO important. Think ahead 5 years if you DO marry and buy a house. These people will be your child's grandparents. Would you leave your child with them?
This situation is NOT going to get better. It will get worse if you do marry.
You can try counseling, but I am betting he will not be on board.
I also do not think the apple falls very far from the tree. He may not be drinking and smoking pot, but he may have addictive/avoidance issues that manifest themselves in other toxic behaviors.
Just because you've been together for a long time does not mean it was meant to be. I'd say it's a sign of co-dependence that you've made it this long. I would not want to proceed in a relationship that is like this ^^^ right now.
I DO believe that people can meet so young, and get married and be happy forever.
However, I don't think this is going to be your story.
Your boyfriend has grown up in a toxic home and obviously does not see the negative ways. I understand that he loves his mother (as he should), but the fact that he doesn't seem to be acknowledging the issue or respecting your feelings, especially after five years together, is a huge red flag. I'm assuming you've expressed your feelings to him about how this all hurts you, and I'm assuming he isn't very receptive of this. This is very bad. We cannot control our parents, we will (usually) always love them, however you need to accept sometimes that they can be wrong. Especially if you are thinking marriage with this young man, you would need this in a relationship. You say you are each others "rock", however you don't seem even close to that. If he was your rock, he would stand up for you and acknowledge you. He's young, but he's not a baby anymore.
Knowing what I know, I would probably leave. If you don't want to leave, and he doesn't want to change his ways, leave then. If this were a case of a boyfriend having irresponsible parents, I'd say deal with it, however it sounds like he isn't seeing anything really wrong with their behavior and the way it makes you feel. This is not husband material, this is 21 year old boy who has never left home and isn't ready for life yet material. Proceed with caution.
If you choose to ignore all advice, for heaven's sake don't marry him. Not for a very long time until he shows solid promise to change.
EDIT: The fact that he has to hide things is not good. He is not your rock, please take your blindfolds off.
If he doesn't stick up for you in front of his parents now, he never will. That is a small issue for you right now, as time goes on it will become a bigger issue. What happens when you have children and he wants them to spend time with his parents in that environment? There's no way I would allow my children to be in an environment like that. Heck, my parents loved the idea that they were grandparents, but they didn't so much like being grandparents. I did not allow my sons to spend time in that environment and it was nowhere near as toxic as what you are describing.
You two have been together long enough that you should be able to have a long hard chat about this and either get some ground rules laid out, or learn that you need to move on.
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