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I suspect she has been seeing this other guy for longer than one month. Possibly a lot longer.
The fact that she was initially mean to you during freshman year and it took until your senior year for her to "warm up" to you should have been an early warning sign.
I have a feeling that, despite this relationship lasting six years, she wasn't as into you as it may have seemed.
You dodged a bullet, and I hope you learned some valuable life lessons from this. Better luck next time.
Honestly, I feel kind of dumb writing this, but I need to vent/need advice.
My now ex girlfriend just broke up with me after six years. I first met her my freshman year of college. We used to hang out with the same group of people, though they were more my friends than her friends. At the time, she was pretty mean to me for no real reason, though I did secretly have a crush on her. It wasn't until our senior year when she warmed up to me and we started dating. As I said prior, that was about six years ago.
About two months ago I noticed she started being a bit distant, though she assured me it was nothing. About a month ago she said she still wanted to be with me but needed to take a timeout a she had some personal stuff going on in her life. I understood that, so I agreed to give her a bit of space. Then came yesterday. Out of nowhere she tells me that she met someone else about a month ago and is going to move in with him. She also tells me that he already bought her a ring. I was like "Did I miss something?". Predictably, I lost it. I told her off and pretty much said I wanted nothing to do with her anymore.
Now I'm sitting here alone. I feel completely blindsided; like I've been punched in the gut by a boxer. Six years down the drain just like that. No remorse on her part whatsoever. Now I'm a strong guy but today was very hard for me. I never cry, but today at work I felt my voice crack a few times talking to clients. Honestly, I don't know what to do or what I should do. So what should I do? I really don't feel like leaving my apartment at all. What I want to do is call her but I take that would probably be a bad idea. So give me some advice here. I really need it.
Okay. This stuff happens all the time, particularly after a couple leaves school.
I don't like telling you this, but dating in college is easy. As in pie. Whatever drama exists in relationships in college is pretty much manufactured. Because you are dating in an artificial bubble where the only stresses in life come from getting an essay done or digging enough money out of your sofa cushions to buy beer and pizza on Friday night.
However, once you graduate, you will change more in the five following years than you will for the rest of your life. Your tastes, your friends, your passions, your ambitions, and your guiding philosophies will all be markedly different based on your real-life experiences. Anybody who thinks they are a fully-developed person at age 22 or 25 is just kidding himself or herself. They haven't lived life in any appreciable sense.
So when a couple leaves school, what happens when they grow in opposite directions? What happens when one person really catches fire at the office while the other meanders in life, not knowing what he or she wants to do? What happens when one person develops and entirely new set of interests while the other person clings to the old familiar haunts and acquaintances?
That sounds like what is happening here. It's not easy. It's downright painful. But so is all growth. Do yourself a favor and realize that she woman was a great relationship for that time in your life, but now not so much. Move on. Allow yourself to decide what you want to be as a person.
Hey, op.
That's awful, and I am sorry this happened to you.
It's ok to cry. Someone really hurt you.
Take your time getting over it.
My ex thought our break-up came "out of nowhere."
Not true at all. It took some serious denial and ignoring to miss the signs.
Try to take a lesson away from all of this once you're over the pain.
I'm sorry about that, dude. That was some pretty harsh stuff right there. 6 years is a long time, no doubt about it. And yeah, it's gonna take you a long time to recover from that. But I think at this point you have to accept a few things. Ok?
Number one: She's gone and she ain't comin' back. She doesn't want you, she wants someone else. It sounds harsh when I say it, but it's one of those realities that you have to let sink in. And it's going to take awhile to sink in...because you don't want it to be true. You're going to resist it.
You're going to spend a lot of time by yourself wondering what you missed, where you went wrong, when she started cheating, what you could have done differently. You're gonna think about all that stuff over and over and over again. And that's fine. That's part of the process. Just don't get too bogged down in those thoughts. Hash it out and then let it go.
Number two: your life must continue to move forward. Yeah, it sucks that you were betrayed, lied to and then abandoned by a two-timing cheat, but your life isn't over. You seem like a pretty strong dude, and you didn't get that way by being defeated by life's trials and tribulations.
Number three: It wasn't 6 years wasted. You grew during that time. You learned about yourself, you learned a thing a two about women, about relationships, about love, about loyalty. And now, you're learning even more about yourself. And you're learning about keeping a closer eye on those warning signs, those red flags that pop up in a relationship. The red flags that we ignore because we're in love, because we trusted too much.
Life is gonna be a tough slog for you for awhile. It's gonna be an effort just to put one foot in front of the other, but you gotta do it. Because eventually, you'll will get past this. You will heal and you will find love again. You will. Keep your head up, man. And good for you for posting about this instead of keeping it all pent up inside.
OP, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I went through a similar sort of thing, except I was with my ex for 14 years, 9 of which we were married, and he left me and moved in with another woman (who was a mutual friend of ours) the day after he left me.
Chaotic's advice is right on the money and it's exactly what I did to get through it and headed in a better direction in life. You've gotten a lot of great advice in this thread, so please listen to it.
It takes time, you need to be sad, hurt, angry, feel all those emotions, reflect on it, process it, and slowly refocus your life on yourself as an individual. The more "work" you do to get through this time, the better off you'll be in the long run. The worst thing you can do is avoid your emotions and not deal with it, because that comes back to haunt you in the form of making unhealthy choices for yourself.
I wish you the best of luck. Reading your post brought back memories of the pain and agony I went through with my ex, and it's horrible, but it truly does get better.
After 6 years did you make any move towards marriage? I ask that because I have known more than one couple to split after many years together because she's looking for marriage and the guy didn't pull the trigger. Now ya got the new guy giving her a ring, and she's moving right in
Sucks man, I have definitely been there. Keep your chin up.
A lot of women will wait a lot longer than they used to, to get married. I have more than 5 friends in relationships that are 5-9 years long that have not moved toward marriage. They are focused on their advanced degrees and careers and will focus on marriage once all of that is established.
If you wanted to wait and she didn't, let her find a man who is willing to move quickly. Keep your focus on other things. Another relationship will present itself. Possibly with someone more your mindset.
I have a feeling that, despite this relationship lasting six years, she wasn't as into you as it may have seemed.
The relationship didn't begin until their senior year, so it's only been 2 years. It's only in the OP's mind that it's been 6 years, because he waited for her for 4 years before she showed interest. During that time, he could have been dating other girls, instead of throwing away 4 years waiting for a girl who was abusive toward him to come around and show some interest, but instead he chose to hang his hopes on the mean girl, and forego any opportunity to meet nice girls. It didn't work out. Not a surprise.
Nobody should ever contemplate marriage sooner than five years out of school unless a baby is involved. There's just way too much growing up to do.
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