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Hello, I am speaking in the 21st century. Both men and women can earn their living, however when it comes to first dates and relationships some men offer to pay the check and others never do. Does it have to do with how interesting the woman is or is it just something with the guy?
I ask that from the bottom of my self esteem because I have been with this boyfriend for more than a year and we always (even in the first date) split the check evenly. He never paid me a romantic dinner (not even on our first anniversary), never gave me any expensive gift and he earns twice as I do.
To give him a hint that it seemed awkward to me, I paid him expensive dinners some times, but he never thought of that as a clue, never paid back and so things went on. I got used and even liked that we had a financially fair relationship.
However, some weeks ago he told me a female friend would come visit us in the city. I offered my apartment for her to stay and he surprised me saying he had offered to pay her the $ 300 plane ticket. He said she "needed" because she, poor girl, had broken up with her thousandth boyfriend in a year.
That got me thinking that he is available to pay things for women other than me, and that made me feel like crap. I even sold my car to pay my 50% part in an expensive trip he had booked for us. He knew the trip would be heavy on my budget but never offered to help and even stimulated me to sell the car (now I am on foot).
As I made it clear, I always paid my part and don't regret it, but I felt sad when I saw him available to pay treats to other ladies. This particular woman doesn't need any money. She has an ok job and is a grown-up past the stage of killing herself over some teenage love.
I made him talk about it (he paying the ticket to someone who didn't need it). He said the female friend had also helped him in the past, that I was mischievous to think evil of him and that it was all on me, the jealous insecure girlfriend.
What do you think?
What makes a man pay things for some women and not for others?
End of story: the woman gave up coming visit us after alleging "there were only couples [me] in the city" (I took this conversation to him only after she gave up coming).
If you are not happy with him break off with him. It does not matter what other guys do. However I will say it does not look good that he wants to pay a lady friend's plane ticket and there you are selling your car. It was not very smart to do that. If you could not afford to pay for yourself why did you not say "I cannot afford that?"
I am more willing to pay for friends rather than my girl, just because I don't ever want to be put in a situation where I am being used as a wallet. However, if your situation is as you described, I don't think you are receiving fair treatment. If he has more money than you he should be willing to contribute more to expenses than you do, and definitely shouldn't ask you to sell your car so you can pay for a vacation.
What are this guy's redeeming features, that motivate you to put up with the situation you describe? He doesn't even reciprocate, when you treat him to a pricey meal? And btw, who, exactly, is this "friend"--is she an ex? If I were in your shoes, I'd be questioning why I'm with this guy, and I'd assume he's more into this "friend" than he is into me.
There are guys out there, good guys, who enjoy being generous (and who would at least reciprocate a special treat), and who don't have female friends that receive more generosity than their own gf's. Just saying, in case you didn't know.
This guy does not value you. He doesn't think he needs to impress you. He wants to cut corners, and puts in as little effort as possible in this relationship. You allow it. You must believe that you deserve better. It's totally fine if you two split the check occasionally. But for him to never pay your way is a red flag. I find it very suspicious that he bends over backwards for this friend, but treats you like you are less even though you are romantic partners. It's up to you to choose whether to continue putting up with it, or leaving him behind so you can find a real man who sees your worth.
To answer your question - yes, men will pick up the tab for a woman who they really like. I've been told by guy friends and learned from my own experiences that a guy would rather split the check when he's not really feeling you.
What are this guy's redeeming features, that motivate you to put up with the situation you describe? He doesn't even reciprocate, when you treat him to a pricey meal?
Easy...and my first thought when seeing the title. She hit way above her weight and found someone she desires, but the feelings aren't mutual.
As I made it clear, (1) I always paid my part and don't regret it, but I felt sad when I saw him available to pay treats to other ladies. This particular woman doesn't need any money. She has an ok job and is a grown-up past the stage of killing herself over some teenage love.
I made him talk about it (he paying the ticket to someone who didn't need it). He said the female friend had also helped him in the past, that (2) I was mischievous to think evil of him and that it was all on me, the jealous insecure girlfriend. (3) What do you think? (4) What makes a man pay things for some women and not for others?
End of story: the woman gave up coming visit us after alleging "there were only couples [me] in the city" (I took this conversation to him only after she gave up coming).
(1) I'd start regretting and resenting it.
(2) Blame layer. Probably his answer to any disagreement, lay it all on you. That's abusive behavior.
(3) That you can do a lot better and should hold out for someone who values you. He doesn't. He has you right where he wants you and for him it's cheap and effortless.
(4) Elementary! He thinks more highly of one more than the other.
What anyone says, really doesn't matter. It seems you're not happy with how you are being treated. A year into a relationship, I don't think he's going to just start behaving differently... and in any case, I don't believe in trying to change someone's behaviour. I guess, you can either accept this is the situation or move on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
What are this guy's redeeming features, that motivate you to put up with the situation you describe? He doesn't even reciprocate, when you treat him to a pricey meal? And btw, who, exactly, is this "friend"--is she an ex? If I were in your shoes, I'd be questioning why I'm with this guy, and I'd assume he's more into this "friend" than he is into me.
There are guys out there, good guys, who enjoy being generous (and who would at least reciprocate a special treat), and who don't have female friends that receive more generosity than their own gf's. Just saying, in case you didn't know.
This...and being generous, does not necessarily mean spending money.
It doesn't cost much at all, to make someone feel important or significant.
I am more willing to pay for friends rather than my girl, just because I don't ever want to be put in a situation where I am being used as a wallet. .
Though I get your fear, I find this hard to totally understand. So, if you have yourself a good woman, why would you NOT want to ocassionally do things for her, which might include spending money or her?
I have paid for dinner for guys I have dated. I have bought nice gifts for guys I have dated. And they have done the same for me. It's a give and take. My friends may be kool, but they aren't fulfilling a need in me that a man does. They aren't making my heart feel butterflies, holding me at night, and making me feel the kind of love that I want to feel. My man would be doing that.
Why wouldn't I be willing to do nice things for him? If he were a good man, then I might not mind buying him and a friend good seats to his favorite football team, etc. Ive had guys who did nice things for me ' just because'. Nice gifts, dinners, etc. I mean, I've never been in a relationship where nice things like that were NOT done for me. They did that because they cared for me. However, I also did that for them. Nothing wrong with that. If you are that afraid to give of yourself to someone you are supposed to care about, how would you know what kind of person they are deep down inside anyway? Meaning , if someone is going to use you for your wallet, best you find that out sooner than later.
If she is a good woman to you, and you do a couple of things for her, and you see she NEVER returns the favors, THEN you know what you have, and you can cut her loose. And if she is someone that you feel is selfish, then why be with her anyway?
I agree with the OP. Espescially when she has been the type of woman to ALWAYS put up her own share, yet her man pays for some other chick?? Yah..uh....nope. I would feel like crap also. If people are that paranoid about being 'used' stay single.
Hello, I am speaking in the 21st century. Both men and women can earn their living, however when it comes to first dates and relationships some men offer to pay the check and others never do. Does it have to do with how interesting the woman is or is it just something with the guy?
I ask that from the bottom of my self esteem because I have been with this boyfriend for more than a year and we always (even in the first date) split the check evenly. He never paid me a romantic dinner (not even on our first anniversary), never gave me any expensive gift and he earns twice as I do.
To give him a hint that it seemed awkward to me, I paid him expensive dinners some times, but he never thought of that as a clue, never paid back and so things went on. I got used and even liked that we had a financially fair relationship.
However, some weeks ago he told me a female friend would come visit us in the city. I offered my apartment for her to stay and he surprised me saying he had offered to pay her the $ 300 plane ticket. He said she "needed" because she, poor girl, had broken up with her thousandth boyfriend in a year.
That got me thinking that he is available to pay things for women other than me, and that made me feel like crap. I even sold my car to pay my 50% part in an expensive trip he had booked for us. He knew the trip would be heavy on my budget but never offered to help and even stimulated me to sell the car (now I am on foot).
As I made it clear, I always paid my part and don't regret it, but I felt sad when I saw him available to pay treats to other ladies. This particular woman doesn't need any money. She has an ok job and is a grown-up past the stage of killing herself over some teenage love.
I made him talk about it (he paying the ticket to someone who didn't need it). He said the female friend had also helped him in the past, that I was mischievous to think evil of him and that it was all on me, the jealous insecure girlfriend.
What do you think?
What makes a man pay things for some women and not for others?
End of story: the woman gave up coming visit us after alleging "there were only couples [me] in the city" (I took this conversation to him only after she gave up coming).
I 100% get it. My husband is like that too. He knows I have money so he is tight fisted with his. I at some point started to think that maybe it was because he did not really care about me that much and wondered if he was with someone else he would be more generous and thoughtful. I am or at least was really generous or thougthful with my money... but have stopped.
I use to get really really really upset when he would go buy gifts to bring to his family (sister, brothers, nices and nephews) when going to visit them each year. They are not poor. They have money. He almost never does stuff like for me or our kid so it was extremly hurtful and insulting.
Not sure what to tell you in terms of what to do... but if it bugs you now it likely won't change. You might want to consider ending it.
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I get it .....
