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Posting a pseudo-hypothetical here for debate on good old C-D...
*Clears throat*
We have a gal, who has met a guy, that she really likes ....they have been dating for one month. They met online, have made out, etc., no sex though. He deactivated his dating profile, she has not, and is debating whether she should because he has not asked her to be official yet. He has said...I am looking for a relationship, but just trying to see where things go right now. Now gal really doesn't want to be with anyone else at the moment, but doesn't want to put all of her eggs in one basket as said guy may change his mind, one just never knows. Gal thinks all him all day and night though (but she is trying to follow The Rules like her life depends on it!). This is the first time gal has felt this way about anyone, and gal (who is quite strong and independent normally) is quite terrified by how emotional and vulnerable she feels about guy. Meanwhile, gal is being pursued by multiple guys, both online and in real life, including one very shocking "blast from the past" who is getting more relentless by the day. Gal has been asked out on three dates in the past week, and is debating on whether she should go on any of them; right now she is stalling for time because she doesn't know what to do. Gal feels like something is wrong with her for wanting to be with someone ALL the time, especially considering the small amount of time it has been. And...it doesn't seem fair to agree to dates with the other guys, because of the emotional factor, though said guys have been advised of the situation and seem to want to go to bat anyway. So....what, exactly, should this gal do?
(Any and all comments will be passed along to gal btw)
If I thought I'd have fun with the other guys I'd go out with them. Nothing has to happen to to jeopardize the potential of the first guy so what's the harm? I wouldn't force myself to go out with someone I didn't want to go out with but the truth is I did go out with a "blast from they past" guy, a couple times, right before my future husband proposed. He was my first love and he broke my heart so I had to know, and if there had been any question about it, if I felt any pull to the old guy or any emotional attachment, I would NOT have accepted the proposal when it came. But as it turned out I was able to get engaged knowing full well I had no interest in anyone else, and didn't have to forever wonder what if. I actually remember thinking "why the hell did I cry over losing THIS guy?". HAHA. When he called again I told him I was engaged, but thanks anyway.
Why doesn't the gal just ask the guy why he deactivated his online dating account? Why doesn't the gal just ask the guy if he would like to move the relationship into "monogamous" mode? Seems the easiest thing to do at this point. Why doesn't the gal just tell the guy that she's had three requests for dates this week, and to be honest she likes him so much, that she really has no interest in these other guys, but she doesn't want to cut them off if he's still seeing other women as well.
If the gal can't ask the guy those questions yet, then they're simply not at that point.
Why doesn't the gal just ask the guy why he deactivated his online dating account? Why doesn't the gal just ask the guy if he would like to move the relationship into "monogamous" mode? Seems the easiest thing to do at this point. Why doesn't the gal just tell the guy that she's had three requests for dates this week, and to be honest she likes him so much, that she really has no interest in these other guys, but she doesn't want to cut them off if he's still seeing other women as well.
If the gal can't ask the guy those questions yet, then they're simply not at that point.
I'm all about communicating with your partner but for two people who have only been dating for a month and haven't had sex yet, these questions are probably way too soon. They will put a lot of unfair pressure on the guy.
As far as keeping your options open as a hedge against disappointment, I think this tactic comes with a big sacrifice. From my experience, the more people you see, the more you end up diluting the feelings you have for any one of them. So maybe this is the goal, to lessen the feelings you have for that one guy you truly like so you won't be disappointed when things don't work out. And yet when you have successfully done that, you may have avoided some disappointment but you also took away some of the joys of being with him. You can only be in love when you allow yourself to free fall a little and take all the risks that come with it. Or else you're just dabbling with lukewarm emotions. The fall may not be so great but neither is the experience.
Why doesn't the gal just tell the guy that she's had three requests for dates this week, and to be honest she likes him so much, that she really has no interest in these other guys, but she doesn't want to cut them off if he's still seeing other women as well.
This is the way to go, except don't say anything about him seeing other women. He might feel unstudly if he is not. Just ask him, 'Should I say yes to these guys, or are we exclusive? Which do you prefer?'
I'm currently seeing someone who I met online and I have no plans to deactivate my account until we've had a talk about being exclusive. Until then, I will go on dates with other guys if I have the desire to do so.
So gal, finally talked to guy....guy said that he is not seeing anyone else (and doesn't really plan to), BUT ...it's ok for gal to date other guys....? To quote, guy said, "I can't tell you what to do, or what not to do, so..... just do whatever you want." So gal said, fair enough, but she didn't feel right about the whole situation. At that point guy got defensive and said he didn't want to talk about it anymore. Which is why gal had to wait ALMOST A WEEK to bring it up, because she suspected guy would react in the manner that he did. So should gal give up on guy? Is he just using her? Guy said he is looking for a relationship...but that could be with someone other than gal...who knows. At this point, other than hanging out or going out, the only thing that guy seems to know CONCRETELY is that he wants to have sex with gal. Like, yesterday. Which doesn't sit well with gal at all, because, as was mentioned before, gal actually likes guy and would thusly have all kinds of other emotions generated, should that take place....because deep down gal feels like guy, could just be using her like a toilet, and where, once gal has opened up, he can then cut her off at any time and then be on his way. It's a hard sell.
Sounds like the guy is trying to play some kind of game. What that game is in this scenario I am not sure. Still, he sounds like he is witholding info, or not being up front. His actions make him appear commitment ready, but when questioned, he is sort of pushing her away.
I do not think she should put all her eggs in one basket here. If this is as good as he can communicate his intentions or expectations after a month, then he is not going to be much better with communicating in a committed relationship.
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....they have been dating for one month. They met online, have made out, etc., no sex though. He deactivated his dating profile, she has not, and is debating whether she should because he has not asked her to be official yet. He has said...I am looking for a relationship, but just trying to see where things go right now. Now gal really doesn't want to be with anyone else at the moment, but doesn't want to put all of her eggs in one basket as said guy may change his mind, one just never knows. Gal thinks all him all day and night though (but she is trying to follow The Rules like her life depends on it!). This is the first time gal has felt this way about anyone, and gal (who is quite strong and independent normally) is quite terrified by how emotional and vulnerable she feels about guy. Meanwhile, gal is being pursued by multiple guys, both online and in real life, including one very shocking "blast from the past" who is getting more relentless by the day. Gal has been asked out on three dates in the past week, and is debating on whether she should go on any of them; right now she is stalling for time because she doesn't know what to do. Gal feels like something is wrong with her for wanting to be with someone ALL the time, especially considering the small amount of time it has been. And...it doesn't seem fair to agree to dates with the other guys, because of the emotional factor, though said guys have been advised of the situation and seem to want to go to bat anyway. So....what, exactly, should this gal do?
