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I'm in a situation where I'm trying to just 'be in the moment' with a guy I've been dating, but I'm also trying to decipher whether he sees our thing as just casual or not.
I'm guessing that he does see it as pretty casual, but a bit of back story:
- We met off a dating site (we're both 31) a little over a month ago, where we both state we're looking for something 'short-term'/'long-term'. When we met up, we didn't mention the site we met off of at all, and still haven't. Everything felt so natural and the attraction strong, that I never once thought to bring up, 'So what are you looking for?' while in person. Also, since I've been comfortable with casual dating relationships in the past, I initially approached it as such (we slept together on the second date, and there was zero awkwardness around that so I figured, all was well...).
- The fact that we clicked so well was awesome, and we went on three more dates after we initially slept together, where he happily introduced me to some of his friends, and we even went out of town overnight together once. Despite it still feeling casual to me, it also seemed potentially serious, and together one-on-one we were really affectionate. I started developing some feelings for him, but still played it really cool, not needy at all.
- Fast forward about two weeks of only text message communication (we both were really busy), when we finally a couple nights ago were able to meet up again, had a great time together, and he spent the night again. He kept suggesting things we should do together soon, seemed really happy to be around me, complimenting me, etc. but right after we parted ways, I started to freak a bit, which is why I'm now writing here:
1) If he just sees this as casual, that's fine, but I don't see it that way anymore - I am too attracted to him to let it be just that. I'm starting to feel a bit like a convenience. I may have made the initial mistake by treating it casual myself at first, but I thought maybe the more he asked me out, the more that meant he was interested in me in a serious way? He also seems to be at a point in his life where he's seeking something more long-term. Then again, we've never discussed this.
2) Our communication is very sporadic - even though we are both busy - is it possible he would be wanting something more serious, but he is just taking it slow for now and taking his time, or is sporadic communication a sign of him just being semi-interested in me? He's also not much of a planner - he even admits that - neither am I, but I still wish he'd end a date by suggesting the next one instead of being so spontaneous.
3) Given that I AM seeking something long-term, would it be appropriate now for me to bring the relationship up with him next time we get together? Not that I'm asking him to be exclusive, but to just get a sense of what he's looking for while dating? Is there a way to say that without scaring off the guy? I'm not at a point where I would even be ready to date him more seriously - I want to get to know him better first to see if we are even compatible - but we don't see each other very often, and I'm at a point in my life where I want to see a guy more than once a week otherwise it feels like a waste of my time - I want to invest my time in one person rather than in multiple guys (I've been going on a lot of 'first dates' lately, and it is so confusing, because I already have feelings for this one).
4) We talk about all sorts of things when together, but I feel sometimes like they are never of emotional depth, which is something I need in a serious relationship. Is this just another sign that he sees it casual, or are some guys just really slow to talk about anything involving emotions?
5) Are my nerves a sign that this really isn't a good match? I haven't been this attracted to someone in a very long time - usually I am the one turning down guys, so these intense butterflies are somewhat new to me - but could it really just be my intuition sensing our connection isn't strong enough?
6) Bottom line - is it time for a conversation? If so, how could I approach it?
I just can't see him again continuing the way things are: casual sex - him talking about doing things together in the near future - but zero conversation about whether he means that in a casual way or a serious one.
I know things aren't always JUST casual, or JUST serious - but as adults, isn't it fair to not want to waste each other's time and communicate our intentions?
Anyone with experience in this area, please chime in! Thanks so much.
Ask him, that is the fastest way to know where you stand with his intentions and yours.
Things in real life can and are "just casual" and "just serious", it depends on the couple involved and the surrounding dynamics of their current relationship and where they are both wanting it go in the future.
Sifting through your commentary, you are attracted to this person and are moving past the fun crush to what might be serious attraction, affection, and yes (gasp!) love. You are ready to put the playing behind you to get serious about where this emotional/physical/continuity merry-go-round will proceed.
I think it may be time to stop the gaming, the sex, the impulsivity, the flying by the seat of your pants, and get your compass out. If you like him even 51% after the whirlwind stops, you should start a serious conversation. If you take away all that and it's still nothing, enjoy the dalliance but seek more, and you should start with another - this one isn't it.
I am not going to sort through your affective reactions - butterflies, maybe's and what-not. You know yourself well enough and you should stop the gaming - to thine own self be true. But be mature and make a decision. Your only question at this time should be: the biggest loss in having a discussion as this is...?
Sifting through your commentary, you are attracted to this person and are moving past the fun crush to what might be serious attraction, affection, and yes (gasp!) love. You are ready to put the playing behind you to get serious about where this emotional/physical/continuity merry-go-round will proceed.
I think it may be time to stop the gaming, the sex, the impulsivity, the flying by the seat of your pants, and get your compass out. If you like him even 51% after the whirlwind stops, you should start a serious conversation. If you take away all that and it's still nothing, enjoy the dalliance but seek more, and you should start with another - this one isn't it.
I am not going to sort through your affective reactions - butterflies, maybe's and what-not. You know yourself well enough and you should stop the gaming - to thine own self be true. But be mature and make a decision. Your only question at this time should be: the biggest loss in having a discussion as this is...?
Thanks for this insight. To thine own self be true.... always a good reminder.
Any suggestions as to the best way to bring it up, however? How to initiate the conversation?
In all honesty if you were completely comfortable sleeping with the guy, why would you not be at ease opening up to having a conversation? I must be missing something
In all honesty if you were completely comfortable sleeping with the guy, why would you not be at ease opening up to having a conversation? I must be missing something
This is a good question. Thanks.
Honestly, it's a combination of things, but I usually will have sex with a guy before I feel out whether or not I'd want to be in a serious relationship with him. Maybe it's my high sex drive, maybe it's a slight fear of commitment that I have... I'm not sure. I'm more comfortable with my sexuality than I am with my vulnerability, that is for sure. Definitely am trying to work through it and change this pattern though, because I do want a deep, lasting relationship.
But as for this specific guy... it's too late for that, thus my predicament.
He is not treating you like he wants a serious relationship. It appears that you are only a FWB to him. Hold the discussion and the sex and see what happens. When a man wants you for a serious relationship, you will know because he will treat you like he wants you for more than just sex.
If he just sees this as casual, that's fine, but I don't see it that way anymore - I am too attracted to him to let it be just that. ...Not that I'm asking him to be exclusive, but to just get a sense of what he's looking for while dating? Is there a way to say that without scaring off the guy? I'm not at a point where I would even be ready to date him more seriously - I want to get to know him better first to see if we are even compatible - but we don't see each other very often, and I'm at a point in my life where I want to see a guy more than once a week otherwise it feels like a waste of my time - I want to invest my time in one person rather than in multiple guys
If he wants what you want, then telling him all the stuff I quoted here will do the opposite of scaring him off -- it will make him want to get closer to you.
When a man is serious about you, he leaves you with little doubt. He would be concerned about another man stealing you away from him and he'd be wanting exclusivity. If he isn't doing that, it's because those things do not concern him.
But it's only been a month. That's way too soon for the dreaded "where is this relationship headed?" conversation. In my experience, if you have to ask, you probably already know the answer.
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To thine own self be true.... always a good reminder.
