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My husband put a child up for adoption nearly 8 years ago. He and his girlfriend at the time were not ready for a child. I have a son that I adopted 8 years ago. I have a very hard time with the fact that my husband didn't accept responsibility for his child, since he was not very young at the time (25). He is still best friends with his old girlfriend, and we get pictures of his son several times a year. We now have a 2 year old daughter together. I guess, my question is, does anyone have any tips on how I can look at this situation and feel better about it?
You were not in your husband's shoes 8 years ago. You now have a child together so he's obviously good enough to be in a relationship with you and for you to have a child with. I suggest you let the past be the past and concentrate on what you have now. Dwelling on something like that is very counter productive in my opinion.
Your husband and his ex were adult enough to realize that they couldn't provide the life they believed their child deserved and unselfishly gave their child LIFE and to people who were probably ecstatic to have a child. I'm almost 34 and have pondered the same thing: If I found myself pregnant right now, would I keep the child or give it up for adoption to someone who could do a better job?
I admire your husband for not running from the situation and coercing his girlfriend into an abortion, which I've seen happen by men older than 25. Had your husband not acted selflessly, someone would not be a happy parent right now. Had someone else not acted selflessly, you wouldn't have the child you adopted. Look at the strength in his character. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to give up that child, but he did it. Admire that instead of choosing to see him as selfish because I assure you it's not selfish to give up a child you know you can't provide for.
My husband put a child up for adoption nearly 8 years ago. He and his girlfriend at the time were not ready for a child. I have a son that I adopted 8 years ago. I have a very hard time with the fact that my husband didn't accept responsibility for his child, since he was not very young at the time (25). He is still best friends with his old girlfriend, and we get pictures of his son several times a year. We now have a 2 year old daughter together. I guess, my question is, does anyone have any tips on how I can look at this situation and feel better about it?
Can you clarify, you said he put his son up for adoption and he gets pics of the child. Was it an open adoption?
Also, you said he didn't accept the responsibility, but he did. Sometimes the best thing to do for a child is to give that child the best chance in life. If he didn't feel like he could do that, then he was acting responsibly by giving the child up for adoption. You said you get pictures of the child several times a year. Is the child happy, thriving, well-cared for, loved? He may not have felt like he and his ex could provide that for the child. The fact that they made the VERY difficult decision to put the child up for adoption speaks volumes to me.
Maybe if you look at it from that perspective it will help? Don't compare your life and decisions to his. You are 2 different people.
Your husband and his ex were adult enough to realize that they couldn't provide the life they believed their child deserved and unselfishly gave their child LIFE and to people who were probably ecstatic to have a child. I'm almost 34 and have pondered the same thing: If I found myself pregnant right now, would I keep the child or give it up for adoption to someone who could do a better job?
I admire your husband for not running from the situation and coercing his girlfriend into an abortion, which I've seen happen by men older than 25. Had your husband not acted selflessly, someone would not be a happy parent right now. Had someone else not acted selflessly, you wouldn't have the child you adopted. Look at the strength in his character. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to give up that child, but he did it. Admire that instead of choosing to see him as selfish because I assure you it's not selfish to give up a child you know you can't provide for.
By the way, I've had friends who've had abortions because they "couldn't bear to part with their child through adoption." Somehow, ending the child's life was easier.
My husband put a child up for adoption nearly 8 years ago. He and his girlfriend at the time were not ready for a child. I have a son that I adopted 8 years ago. I have a very hard time with the fact that my husband didn't accept responsibility for his child, since he was not very young at the time (25). He is still best friends with his old girlfriend, and we get pictures of his son several times a year. We now have a 2 year old daughter together. I guess, my question is, does anyone have any tips on how I can look at this situation and feel better about it?
hmmm....wondering why you didn't deal with your "conflicted feelings" before you married him, and especially before you had a child with him?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Originally Posted by SlightlyConflicted
My husband put a child up for adoption nearly 8 years ago. He and his girlfriend at the time were not ready for a child. I have a son that I adopted 8 years ago. I have a very hard time with the fact that my husband didn't accept responsibility for his child, since he was not very young at the time (25). He is still best friends with his old girlfriend, and we get pictures of his son several times a year. We now have a 2 year old daughter together. I guess, my question is, does anyone have any tips on how I can look at this situation and feel better about it?
Not very young at the time? Trust me, the amount of 25 year old guys who are actually anywhere near ready to take on the responsibility is not high. I'm 25 right now and still live like a college freshman. 25 is still young.
I have no idea what can make you feel better at this stage. This is definitely you should have dealt with BEFORE marrying and reproducing with him.
My husband put a child up for adoption nearly 8 years ago. He and his girlfriend at the time were not ready for a child. I have a son that I adopted 8 years ago. I have a very hard time with the fact that my husband didn't accept responsibility for his child, since he was not very young at the time (25). He is still best friends with his old girlfriend, and we get pictures of his son several times a year. We now have a 2 year old daughter together. I guess, my question is, does anyone have any tips on how I can look at this situation and feel better about it?
1. He could have asked the old girlfriend to abort the child, he did not. He gave the child a chance to find better parents at the time. I am not pro choice or pro life, but I think he did a very responsible thing for the child. I don't think you or anybody have any right to hold his past against him. That is not fair.
2. He learned his lesson and he is now a good responsible father to your daughter. (I am assuming this is the case)
Let it go. Everybody has a past.
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you should have dealt with BEFORE marrying and reproducing with him.
