When words and actions don't match up. (long distance, man, love)
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I posted a thread a few weeks ago looking for advice when I found out that the guy I was seeing was moving away until November. We were in a new-ish relationship and decided it would be best to enjoy eachother's company while he was still here, stay in touch when he is gone and see what feelings we have when he returns. I agreed...somewhat reluctantly to this. I really liked this guy. He makes me feel so good about myself and says I do the same for him. But I see his point in not wanting to start something and have to build a foundation long distance (we will only get to see each other once most likely in this time period).
When he told me he was leaving he was SO convinced that he wanted to stay in touch...text, talk on the phone, skype, etc. He said things like 'in the grand scheme of things 4 months is nothing.' The morning he left he woke me up holding me and kissing my forehead saying things like 'i want you to remember this feeling and when you miss me just think of this'...kissed me goodbye but said 'i refuse to say goodbye because this isn't'. Also the night before he left he got emotional holding me and said he was going to miss me so much, etc.
Anyway, flash forward. 3 weeks after he told me he was leaving he left. He's been gone for two weeks and the dynamic between us has changed DRAMATICALLY...which I guess it has to. But here's the thing. Once he left our habit of all day texting died. I get it. It's not sustainable when you don't see each other in person. But slowly our texting has died all together. He sent a few apologies...that he's been doing a ton of stuff. I get that too. He moved over a thousand miles and is settling in. But the tone in his texts changed. He stopped calling me babe. Now today I'm a mess- I texted him at 11ish this am- a friendly response to a text that he had sent after I fell asleep last night. A joke between us. And then a comment about a mutual interest that we're following. He never responded, yet has been on facebook etc which he accesses through his phone. I know he saw my messages and chose not to respond. Also he used to ask me how my day was, what I was up to, etc. He stopped all of that and we talk about what he has going on but not me.
And FYI for the record I don't text him a million times per day or anything like that- I send one or two messages and wait for a response, and if I don't get one I don't text again. I hate playing games like this though- I like to feel like I can send a text if I want to talk to him.
Basically my point/question is this: I know that I need to give him space to set up his life, and this was why we decided not to date. But I also don't want to let this go. I'm really struggling to find the balance between how hard I should continue to try to communicate or if him not responding is an indication that he really needs some space right now. I really don't think he's the type of guy who would have fed me all of that emotional stuff and not meant it. But it's certainly seeming that way to my overly-emotional and lonely self right now. I mean, I guess it's easier not talking as much if we're trying to accept that we're not together and are not going to see each other any time in the near future. I'd just love some input on how other people interpret this. I want to trust him blindly that this is just his way of coping, its just hard for me to accept that.
Sometimes people, in the moment, say things that they mean in that moment, because of emotions, etc. Sometimes these hold true and "stick" and sometimes they don't.
I would suggest you take a break and don't communicate with him unless he makes contact with you. Yes, it will be hard. But if he wants to talk or text he will, I really believe if a man wants to be with someone he will move mountains.
Find some fun things to do with friends or alone in the meantime. Try not to get down or sad, after all that certainly won't help things and if he does call you don't sound like Debbie Downer, be happy and upbeat.
Thank you! I've been trying to keep busy as much as possible and have definitely kept the tone of our conversations fun and light. I had a feeling backing away for now is what I should do it just kills me inside. Thanks for the insight.
sometimes people, in the moment, say things that they mean in that moment, because of emotions, etc. Sometimes these hold true and "stick" and sometimes they don't.
I would suggest you take a break and don't communicate with him unless he makes contact with you. Yes, it will be hard. But if he wants to talk or text he will, i really believe if a man wants to be with someone he will move mountains.
Find some fun things to do with friends or alone in the meantime. Try not to get down or sad, after all that certainly won't help things and if he does call you don't sound like debbie downer, be happy and upbeat.
sometimes people, in the moment, say things that they mean in that moment, because of emotions, etc. Sometimes these hold true and "stick" and sometimes they don't.
I would suggest you take a break and don't communicate with him unless he makes contact with you. Yes, it will be hard. But if he wants to talk or text he will, i really believe if a man wants to be with someone he will move mountains.
Find some fun things to do with friends or alone in the meantime. Try not to get down or sad, after all that certainly won't help things and if he does call you don't sound like debbie downer, be happy and upbeat.
One more question- when he finally texts do I respond like it's not a big deal? Even though it feels horrible?
Don't respond right away. The just respond in the same fashion, in other words, if he is brief you be brief. Respond once, don't keep texting.
The put down your phone and go distract yourself.
Do you really want someone you can't be honest with, and have to play these games with? Someone who, when he does something that hurts you, you cannot tell him you are hurt?
I agree with luckodeirish. It's possible that at the time he did mean those things he said to you, but then he moved away and it just did not stick as she said. It's also possible that when he gets back he will want to start a relationship with you, but don't hang around waiting for him. You don't want your future to be dependent on him. You could meet someone when you're out having a good time with your friends who is even better for you. So my suggestion is the same as luck's, don't pine around for him, go out with friends, concentrate on your hobbies, keep yourself busy, don't wait around for him. If he texts you, or emails you, go ahead and respond when you get a minute, but don't go out of your way to make sure you don't miss a call and don't drop everything the second you hear from him. If he comes back and you are still single and you both want to give a relationship a shot, great, if not, that's okay too because your life is fulfilling enough without him there.
One more question- when he finally texts do I respond like it's not a big deal? Even though it feels horrible?
Oh, for heaven's sake. Another relationship that swings on the content-free garbage of texting.
Talk to the man in real time. If you can't bring yourself to call his number and speak to him, there's nothing there worth saving in the first place.
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Another relationship that swings on the content-free garbage of texting. 
