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Some of us have stuff that is true, and important for determining compatibility, but that people often misinterpret as red flags. This is thread for discussing better ways to phrase that stuff .
Examples from current threads:
What if you don't drink and are not a recovering alcoholic?
What if you love to travel and want a mate who loves it too, but have no interest in the mate's money or in expensive forms of travel?
And one from my own life:
I want to move to a new city, and am open to many possible locations. I'd kind of like to find an awesome sweetie who lives in a cool town first, and then move to where they live, rather than picking the town first. How do I say this (e.g. in a profile) without sounding like I want to move in with someone and mooch off them, or make a relationship move too fast? Y'all know I am fanatical about paying my own way and need a lot of space to myself
What if you don't drink and are not a recovering alcoholic?
I say that while in college, I chose driving over drinking. Getting a buzz on is not that important to me. I'm also a very relaxed person to begin with, so I don't need alcohol to "loosen me up".
Otherwise, I find that I don't enjoy being with people who think that getting drunk is an essential part of having a good time.
Sometimes it is not what you say but how you say it.
In the case of the alcohol example, just ordering a soft drink would not be a red flag. Saying "I don't drink, alcohol is not part of my life" is a red flag.
In the travel example, you could say "I love to travel whenever I have the time, I'm looking for someone to share the experiences with". That doesn't set off a red flag. Saying "I am looking for someone that has traveled the world and wants to do it with me" is a bit suspicious.
In your case, I would just say that you aren't held down to any place right now, and that you want to keep your options open on where you want to settle someday.
I want to move to a new city, and am open to many possible locations. I'd kind of like to find an awesome sweetie who lives in a cool town first, and then move to where they live, rather than picking the town first. How do I say this (e.g. in a profile) without sounding like I want to move in with someone and mooch off them, or make a relationship move too fast? Y'all know I am fanatical about paying my own way and need a lot of space to myself
I'd emphasize being an independent woman who thinks that everyone should have their personal space.
And for a new location, ask for suggestions and help in finding an interesting area to move to next, but keep that as a light discussion and keep it as platonic friends. For example, don't let the conversation go toward romantic spots or best date activities. Also ask about job opportunities for yourself.
Sometimes it is not what you say but how you say it.
In the case of the alcohol example, just ordering a soft drink would not be a red flag. Saying "I don't drink, alcohol is not part of my life" is a red flag.
In the travel example, you could say "I love to travel whenever I have the time, I'm looking for someone to share the experiences with". That doesn't set off a red flag. Saying "I am looking for someone that has traveled the world and wants to do it with me" is a bit suspicious.
In your case, I would just say that you aren't held down to any place right now, and that you want to keep your options open on where you want to settle someday.
Agree, its also about when you say it (timing).
Saying anything long-term related off the bat or cliche-sounding can seem red-flaggy. After a couple months or so of dating it would be fine to broach the subject of moving to a new city with someone.
Some of us have stuff that is true, and important for determining compatibility, but that people often misinterpret as red flags. This is thread for discussing better ways to phrase that stuff .
Examples from current threads:
What if you don't drink and are not a recovering alcoholic?
What if you love to travel and want a mate who loves it too, but have no interest in the mate's money or in expensive forms of travel?
And one from my own life:
I want to move to a new city, and am open to many possible locations. I'd kind of like to find an awesome sweetie who lives in a cool town first, and then move to where they live, rather than picking the town first. How do I say this (e.g. in a profile) without sounding like I want to move in with someone and mooch off them, or make a relationship move too fast? Y'all know I am fanatical about paying my own way and need a lot of space to myself
First piece of advice, if you think have a shortcoming that may affect your relationship: own it! Nothing will tube you and your issue faster than feeling insecure about it. Make a joke about it, or treat it mater of factly. But don't be imposing your values on others or expecting others to change who they are for you. Just accept what you have been blessed with, the whole and all of its parts, and accept others in the same manner. Golden Rule. But reality is you won't always connect with some ppl.
As for your personal profile item, just post you are interested in long-distance relationships and like to explore new cities. On a few occassions, I thought about doing LDRs for a FWB since we were bi-coastal. Plan was we would meet in Vegas or some other city for a weekend getaway to see how it goes. I was surprised how open women were when I offered to pay all the expenses. Also use skype to eliminate dead enders.
One that I personally struggle with is making sure I'm not misperceived as a gold digger or only interested in the size of a man's financial statements. This is complicated by the fact that I have some expensive hobbies/interests, and fine dining is one of my great pleasures.
The travel example was great -- I like to give a specific ("My girlfriends and I went to Prague last year and had a great time. I'm trying to talk them into a trip to ___, next") to indicate that travel is something I'm fully capable of funding myself, it's a life long interest, and it's much more fun to share the adventure with someone.
Some of us have stuff that is true, and important for determining compatibility, but that people often misinterpret as red flags. This is thread for discussing better ways to phrase that stuff .
Examples from current threads:
What if you don't drink and are not a recovering alcoholic?
What if you love to travel and want a mate who loves it too, but have no interest in the mate's money or in expensive forms of travel?
And one from my own life:
I want to move to a new city, and am open to many possible locations. I'd kind of like to find an awesome sweetie who lives in a cool town first, and then move to where they live, rather than picking the town first. How do I say this (e.g. in a profile) without sounding like I want to move in with someone and mooch off them, or make a relationship move too fast? Y'all know I am fanatical about paying my own way and need a lot of space to myself
Not Drinking: Why does not drinking need an explanation at all? Not everyone who avoids pork is vegetarian, Jewish or Muslim; some people just don't like pork.
Travel: Talk about how you like to travel. The run-down hostels you've stayed at, hiking around wherever, bumming around such-and-such. The travel question (for me) is only a red flag when they want to go only to super-expensive places, luxury hotels, five-star dining, and yet currently have a McDonald's budget.
Moving Near a Sweetie: Yeah, that's going to trip some alarm bells no matter how you try to spin it. Even in the best light, my bunny would hide the pots the moment he heard you were coming over. And with those ears, he's GONNA find out.....
One that I personally struggle with is making sure I'm not misperceived as a gold digger or only interested in the size of a man's financial statements. This is complicated by the fact that I have some expensive hobbies/interests, and fine dining is one of my great pleasures.
The travel example was great -- I like to give a specific ("My girlfriends and I went to Prague last year and had a great time. I'm trying to talk them into a trip to ___, next") to indicate that travel is something I'm fully capable of funding myself, it's a life long interest, and it's much more fun to share the adventure with someone.
I think if you have proof that you can afford expensive hobbies/interests while single (aka by yourself), that should be a good indicator that you are not a gold-digger (at least I hope).
I'd emphasize being an independent woman who thinks that everyone should have their personal space.
This should probably go in the online dating site codeword thread, but anytime I read "I'm an independent woman" it says to me you're an opinated woman. I'm sure other guys may feel different, but I know an independent woman when I see one (education, career, liesure activities, etc.), and don't need her to tell me. So when she does tell me, it's kinda red flaggy (expect some bitchy-ness)
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