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Before I start I am new to the forum and really need some advice. Especially from people in long term relationships... I apologize for any spelling or grammar errors and for the length but I have a lot to say.
I met my boyfriend back in 2006 at a call center we both worked at, at the time. We were friends for a bit then dated and I moved in quick, I think we were dating for 4 months and then I moved in with him, and have been here ever since. It is now 8 years later. The start of our relationship was normal we were wrapped in our own world, sex was constant and lots of hugging and loving.
Eventually it died down which didn't bother me, even though I had a higher sex drive then him. We have faced a lot of problems in our relationship which was really hurt both of our trust. There was times in our relationship that we were not having sex for over a month at a time. My boyfriend would be up late playing his games or talking to friends through text. I had no cellphone so I didn't really know much about texting. I started getting sick of it and eventually checked his phone. One of his female co workers was going through a breakup and they were talking everyday for hours at a time, especially at night. To be honest nothing really bad was said. He was just giving her confidence and assuring her things would be okay. It got old though reading the same message of him telling her she will find someone else and shes beautiful, etc. I think what bothered me the most was me awake in bed, wondering when he was coming in and hoping for sex. Which most of the time there was no sex, it was far and few between.
He was hurt when I told him I had snooped his phone, I apologized for going through it but was feeling insecure and lonely and confused about us. Later on he was on facebook talking to a younger female co worker. Mostly giving advice. One night he was at work very late and called me to say he would be there a while. I was in a bad mood so I logged into his facebook. I logged in to watch a live conversation as it happened between him and that 19 year old girl. He tells me I read it wrong but he did say "I want to see you naked" and she started talking about work stress, it never escalated. I was hurt, I ripped up the scrapbook I made him, waited until he was home and tried to breakup with him but we stayed together after talking. Later on he admitted it was wrong of him and he doesn't know why it happened. I guess I was more mad he was talking to some co worker instead of doing his work which made him stuck there for 4 hours past his shift.
Our relationship was good for a while and then slowly got bad again. I figured he was cheating and did something unforgivable. I installed monitoring software on his computer. I noticed sometimes he watched porn while I was in bed and masturbated, ok fine, it happens. Then one day I saw pictures of his ex showing up and soon after videos. Sex videos, they were doing things he won't even do to me anymore. I was very hurt. I tried to confront him about knowing of these videos and he lied to me about it, then it came clean. He pretty much told me it would be over for us if I ever did that again. And he said he lied because he didn't feel man enough for me. And he did admit to jacking off to those videos. That has caused a lot of stress because it was the first time he really lied to my face.
I later found out that for the majority of his relationship to the ex they had unprotected sex, he was getting off inside of her. He has never done that with me. His ex wasn't on birth control. I am on the pill and have been for a long time, plus I have PCOS, which can make it hard to get pregnant anyways. I guess where it has been 8 years I often wonder if we will ever experience this together? Hes my first sex partner so I mean... I am waiting, you know and hoping.
The most recent frustrations have been some co workers at his new job. He has been friends with them for maybe a year and admitted one of the females, Trisha (made up name) does vent to him about stuff. I noticed shes constantly his best friend on snapchat, sometimes shes the only one in his friend list. Now were together a lot so I don't think their sending bad pictures. He has showed me some stuff she sends and its nothing bad just driving, scenery her cat, etc. Snapchat has such a bad rep though and when I am not around sometimes his score goes up rather high which scares me. So you can all see I am an idiot. I do trust him but my mind wanders because he has hurt me more then once. And I am sorry but the type of stuff he has hurt me with is not easy to just shake off. I try to but somehow it haunts me at times.
We had a nasty fight over the summer. He told me he wasn't going to stop talking to these people. He made it sound like I wanted him to stop talking to them. Well I don't, I don't care. I just hate feeling neglected and our past makes it hard to believe their just sending pictures of the cats every time they snap. Some of their text back when I use to look at his phone were annoying though her yelling out how she needed cuddles. He never did partake but I question her motives.
The last little bit was okay but I am noticing our sex life has died again. Not as bad as it once was though. It has been 15 days since we last had sex. This morning I tried to arouse him and he did get erect but seemed non interested so I stopped. Being rejected hurts and I have been rejected a lot in the past year when it comes to sex. So I initiate less and less. He works a lot though and is tired. Today is day 2 of his days off though so I figured he would be okay.
I do not snoop his stuff anymore and can't anyways as he now has a password on his phone. He says not because of me but because of work because he leaves his phone in the crew room. I am not going to argue with him over it. He wants his privacy and I have given it to him. I never ask "Who ya talking to?" I don't ask him anything like that or snoop. He actually requested that I stop asking him stuff like that because I use to daily I guess, he felt he had no privacy.
Anyways I guess I am super emotional this morning. I had a dream that he broke up with me, which felt really real. And then the sex rejection, yikes. We do not want kids or marriage but do want to be together, own a house, etc. We lived in the same apartment for 8 years which I am tired of. And he knows. Our landlord isn't the quickest at fixing issues. And honesty with what we have spent in rent we could of owned a small house by now. We don't spend much time together either, about maybe 3-4 days out of the whole month. Which might seem like a lot but its not.
Maybe I am getting bored because I am almost 28, I don't know. Hes never supportive about my jobs either. I told him I was looking into working from him and quitting the call center. When I wanted to quit because of how stressed it made me he kept saying no, bad idea. Now I work from home and even with that he is stressed out, he thinks I wont be able to pay my bills. Though I have been each month with no issue. I love him to death and I can see myself spending my life with him. But at the same time so much has not happened, and so many bad things have. Its like were stuck almost. Just to say a couple nice things as this is a negative post... He goes above and beyond at his job, hard working. He can be really sweet to me when he wants to be, we have some similar interest but not many. And the comfort, its nice being really comfortable together but I suppose that happens in long relationships.
Has anyone else here experienced this? What have you done? Please help me, I am feeling confused and lost...
This is a horrible and unhealthy relationship dynamic that you need to get out of. I don't think you're getting bored at 28, I think subconsciously you're starting to realize this is wrong.
Why can you imagine spending your life with someone like this?
This is a horrible and unhealthy relationship dynamic that you need to get out of. I don't think you're getting bored at 28, I think subconsciously you're starting to realize this is wrong.
Why can you imagine spending your life with someone like this?
I think the only reason why I see myself wanting to spend my life with him is because we want the same things, I suppose that is not enough though. He told me he isn't one to show emotions although when we first were together he seemed too or maybe that was more him trying to get me to like him, I don't know. The only positive thing I can say is that he is caring most of the time, saves money, works hard and seems loyal enough minus the few weird things that happened. Ugh, maybe it is wrong, I don't know.
All I see is insecurity, fear, mistrust, and desperation.
I love him, he loves me. Maybe its tragic and it shouldn't be this way. Its hard to leave someone you've built a life with and have so much in common with. At the same time though I myself do have a lot of insecurities... Maybe I am part of the problem with my trust and insecure nature. I don't feel like hes fully done his part though.
There's a poster here who says the longer it takes to explain your situation the less hope there is that it can be resolved.
I would take a really long hard look at why you love him and why you want to stay in this relationship. Staying because you are too afraid to leave isn't a good reason. Relationships are hard. No one is going to get along all of the time. The passion and fire you feel at the beginning is not going to last forever. But, there are some serious red flags here. Your boyfriend needs to focus on his own relationship, and stop coaching these other women through their breakups. He shouldn't be telling other women they are beautiful and he wants to see them naked. Nothing about that is okay and honestly the moment I read that is the moment I would have been out the door.
I think it is time for you to respect yourself. Breaking up sucks and it will be hard, but don't you think you deserve better?
I love him, he loves me. Maybe its tragic and it shouldn't be this way. Its hard to leave someone you've built a life with and have so much in common with. At the same time though I myself do have a lot of insecurities... Maybe I am part of the problem with my trust and insecure nature. I don't feel like hes fully done his part though.
Of course you are part of the problem.
You cannot have a successful relationship when you keep score. Any time you start thinking, "He hasn't done his part...," you need to look in the mirror.
For the record, he hasn't done his part. Of course, we only have your side of the story, but his behavior shows that he is not committed to you (and no, coming home every night is not the definition of committed.) Your behavior shows a lack of the most basic necessity for relationship success: trust.
When that is gone, there is not enough left to work with. Regardless of whether you still check his phone, the damage is done.
I love him, he loves me. Maybe its tragic and it shouldn't be this way. Its hard to leave someone you've built a life with and have so much in common with. At the same time though I myself do have a lot of insecurities... Maybe I am part of the problem with my trust and insecure nature. I don't feel like hes fully done his part though.
Of course you are part of the problem.
You cannot have a successful relationship when you keep score. Any time you start thinking, "He hasn't done his part...," you need to look in the mirror.
For the record, he hasn't done his part. Of course, we only have your side of the story, but his behavior shows that he is not committed to you (and no, coming home every night is not the definition of committed.) Your behavior shows a lack of the most basic necessity for relationship success: trust.
When that is gone, there is not enough left to work with. None of what you named is enough for marriage. Regardless of whether you still check his phone, the damage is done.
I love him, he loves me. Maybe its tragic and it shouldn't be this way. Its hard to leave someone you've built a life with and have so much in common with. At the same time though I myself do have a lot of insecurities... Maybe I am part of the problem with my trust and insecure nature. I don't feel like hes fully done his part though.
Love is NOT enough. 8 years is a long time, but what's worse is it continuing this way into years 9 and 10 and so on. This is not a loving relationship, it's a habit that you don't know how to break out of and/or are afraid. It's sad to see that you value yourself so little that you're willing to stay in this situation. Have you ever spoken to anyone about your self-esteem issues?
There's a poster here who says the longer it takes to explain your situation the less hope there is that it can be resolved.
I would take a really long hard look at why you love him and why you want to stay in this relationship. Staying because you are too afraid to leave isn't a good reason. Relationships are hard. No one is going to get along all of the time. The passion and fire you feel at the beginning is not going to last forever. But, there are some serious red flags here. Your boyfriend needs to focus on his own relationship, and stop coaching these other women through their breakups. He shouldn't be telling other women they are beautiful and he wants to see them naked. Nothing about that is okay and honestly the moment I read that is the moment I would have been out the door.
I think it is time for you to respect yourself. Breaking up sucks and it will be hard, but don't you think you deserve better?
Well I am not really afraid to leave, I use to be but not anymore. If we breakup I would just go live with my parents for a while anyways. I don't make enough money to pay full rent, so...
I understand we will have things we do not agree on, and the sex will come and go, and I am okay with this. I have learned to accept this. As far as I know he is not giving many people advice these days but at the same time he wouldn't tell me anyways. It was just 1 girl he made the naked comment to but yeah not good.
I had an emotional affair which maybe I should of listed. We both are bad people. Someone I use to work with and knew before the boyfriend. We never met up and did anything but through email we considered it then he stopped writing and it ended. I guess we both have our demons but that was the first time I ever cheated so to speak.
I am a loner and don't figure I will get better then what he offers me but if this is it then being single might be better. I am not a good looking girl and have a lot of insecurities. If I dump him and move out then this is it for me, I won't be looking for somebody else anytime soon or at all.
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