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A couple nights ago I made it a point to share with my wife something that bothers me. This happens from time to time, you have something that is on your mind and you have to discuss it. I approached tactfully and as reasonably as I could, yet still my wife got defensive. This was not unexpected, as she clearly saw it her way and that her way was right. To have that challenged is not easy.
We talked through the issue, and that was that. Yesterday while at work I replayed the conversation in my mind and considered what I should have done differently. I don't regret bringing up the subject at hand because it isn't healthy to let something that is making you unhappy brew and simmer like that. At the same time it occurred to me that if I am going to make it a point to share with her something about her that has made me upset, once that issue is resolved I should make it a point to share with her something about her that makes me happy.
So last night I did. I thought long and hard about something I knew would be meaningful. Something I admire about her and makes me proud to be her husband and I told her just before we went to bed. I could tell it meant a lot to her.
The reason I am sharing this story with the class is I feel like communication is the point of failure for a great number of relationships. We are sometimes very fast on the trigger to communicate our dissatisfaction but a little slower to communicate to our spouse/SO that which makes us happy. I don't think I've all-out neglected this in my marriage, but I definitely should put more effort into positive communication.
It's easy to complain. Taking the effort to communicate to your spouse/SO the positive things in your life is a little more difficult. But it's definitely worth the effort.
We talked through the issue, and that was that. Yesterday while at work I replayed the conversation in my mind and considered what I should have done differently. I don't regret bringing up the subject at hand because it isn't healthy to let something that is making you unhappy brew and simmer like that. At the same time it occurred to me that if I am going to make it a point to share with her something about her that has made me upset, once that issue is resolved I should make it a point to share with her something about her that makes me happy.
So last night I did. I thought long and hard about something I knew would be meaningful. Something I admire about her and makes me proud to be her husband and I told her just before we went to bed. I could tell it meant a lot to her.
The reason I am sharing this story with the class is I feel like communication is the point of failure for a great number of relationships. We are sometimes very fast on the trigger to communicate our dissatisfaction but a little slower to communicate to our spouse/SO that which makes us happy. I don't think I've all-out neglected this in my marriage, but I definitely should put more effort into positive communication.
It's easy to complain. Taking the effort to communicate to your spouse/SO the positive things in your life is a little more difficult. But it's definitely worth the effort.
I totally agree with you^
I've learned over my life that it's easy for me to come up with dissatisfactions & complaints, but that it takes more work to come up with the compliments & positive strokes.
I've taught/trained myself into the habit of being clear and emphatic about things I enjoy, appreciate, and treasure about other people-
including but definitely not limited to romantic partners.
It helps to balance out the negative expression of when I'm venting a bit, to also have a lot of good things to say, too.
I would also prefer to be with someone (friend/family/companion) who not only shares the bad times/news, but also the good times/news.
I try very effortfully to find things in other people's behavior and manner for me to reinforce, to reward with positive regard (instead of *only* bringing up what's "wrong").
I disagree. I think it is chemistry. If people aren't communicating well, it isn't because they can't; it's because they don't want to.
My experience is the relationships that didn't work out didn't lack communication. The relationship that is working out has good chemistry.
But even in a relationship where there is good chemistry and poor communication couples will struggle. Chemistry is important, but there's not a lot out there that can overcome poor communication.
Okay, now your assignment is to make your spouse feel that good EVERY DAY, so that when that negative issue pops up, you'll have credit in the bank.
What about the reverse, like in preemptive cheating? Cheat first and don't get caught so that way if some day she cheats on you, you'll have an internal means of buffering the sting.
Is there such a thing outside of language or speech problems? I can't recall or even imagine there is.
Certainly. Communication is certainly a PART of good chemistry, but the two ideas are not necessarily the same. Some people genuinely struggle to express their deepest feelings to someone they love, even when that person is close to them. Some people struggle to give bad news or share emotions that they know will result in confrontation. This is what I am talking about. If you keep a lid on this stuff it will boil over eventually and it is usually not pretty. It doesn't mean that the couple never had good chemistry, though. It just means that even good couples with good chemistry can easily take good communication for granted.
I disagree. I think it is chemistry. If people aren't communicating well, it isn't because they can't; it's because they don't want to.
My experience is the relationships that didn't work out didn't lack communication. The relationship that is working out has good chemistry.
I'm snorting at this one. It's like taking someone with raw athletic ability and putting her on the field of a sport they've never played. If she doesn't play well, is it because she doesn't want to?
When I got married I was a poor communicator. Because I didn't want to be? Nope. I grew up in a dysfunctional home. I had no idea how a normal family was supposed to communicate. My husbands upbringing had it's own quirks. He had ideas of his own about how a normal family was supposed to communicate. Divorce runs in families for a reason.
Chemistry is NOTHING in the face of that kind of lack of training. We had no idea what we were doing. As the OP suggested, we both got very defensive when the other was unhappy.
I got training...both from the school of hard knocks and from professionals. Now I CAN communicate well and I WANT to.
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