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Please try to read this with an open mind as the situation is pretty unorthodox.
So my boyfriend, (let's call him Dominic) and I have been together since I was 18. He was 10 years older and my family was initially very opposed to me dating him because of the age difference and because he was more experienced than your typical 28 year old male. It later became clear to me that he was a closet sexual deviant. Anyway, we dated for 3 years and things were very good until I decided to go to grad school which was literally on the other side of the country. Needless to say, he wasn't happy about my decision and froze me out for about a month. He then returned but I noticed that something seemed different about him (when we were intimate, he was rougher and would do things like smack me or choke me which he never did before) but I foolishly convinced myself that he just had difficulty dealing with the situation. I later found out that he was back to viewing pornography, only this time he was binging and was now into more hardcore stuff like M-to-F transsexuals and gang bang-type/BDSM porn. His family asked me to step in because he was neglecting his work and life (he is a successful venture capitalist and also executive of his family's real estate business, but had been absent for weeks). At the time, I was on the west coast but flew in to convince him to get help and he went into rehab for sexual addiction.
When he finished his treatment, he was back to the old Dom and would visit me at least twice a month for a few days at a time. However, early last year I noticed that he started pulling away and starting unnecessary fights with me. With his history of requiring a lot of regular attention, I knew that I could not give him what he wanted. So, we took a break; though I chose not to see anyone else because I knew that he was in love with me and didn't want to tip him over the edge if he found out. Anyway, I returned to the DMV a few weeks ago and he started talking about getting back together. He'd been "clean" for ~1.5 years and was following up with a psychiatrist regularly. Because I still have feelings for him, I agreed to work on getting back together. I began to rethink this decision when he tried to force the issue of intimacy two nights ago. Please don't get me wrong, he is a ridiculously attractive man and knows pretty much everything there is to know about me...but for some reason, I just didn't feel ready. Afterwards, I felt so terrible because it was the first time I had rejected him and he'd been dropping hints all night about how much he was looking forward to being with me again.
The next thing I know, his PA calls me this morning saying they haven't seen him at the office and he has important accounts that need his urgent attention. When I called his best friend, I was told that he's in NY on business...which I know to mean that he's out of circulation doing heaven knows what.
I am at my wit's end wondering what to do about the situation but cannot talk to anyone in my inner circle because they all believe that he walks on water and I don't want to disillusion them. I know that he loves me very much and is a great guy all around but his escalating addiction to porn/sex is very concerning to me as he is not himself when he relapses.
I have an appointment to see his psychiatrist for advice on Friday but I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation or has advice for me.
Forget seeing his doctor to discuss HIS issues and make an appt for yourself to discuss YOUR issues.
You have a lot of work to do to understand why you would be attracted to and remain with someone this twisted and sick.
You cannot save him.
Please save yourself.
I remember reading 50 Shades of Grey and thinking how similar it was to my life. Yes, it's fiction... but I found the parallels almost uncanny. The problem with love is it sucks you in and you think that together you can "conquer all" which is often easier said than done. He is perhaps one of the most amazing, loving and easily the most generous person I know. This is a hard place to be.
My situation would've been so much easier if I didn't love him so much that being apart almost causes me physical pain.
What a waste of time OP. No-one can save him except him. And he clearly isn't interested. Nothing you say or do is going to make any difference. Either accept him as he is or leave him. There are no alternatives.
Your writing here to find out how to change him, you are visiting his shrink to discuss him (though with patient/doctor confidentiality I'm not sure how that works), when you should be working on yourself and why you keep trying to make something work, that won't.
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Your writing here to find out how to change him, you are visiting his shrink to discuss him (though with patient/doctor confidentiality I'm not sure how that works), when you should be working on yourself and why you keep trying to make something work, that won't.
Actually, I am not writing to find out how I can change him. I am writing to find out if folks have had relationships with people who have sexual addictions....and what their advice is for me (get out now, things could improve, experiences, etc). He is in his mid-30s and is very unlikely to truly change so I know that is off the table. I believe he truly wanted to change...but anyone who knows anything about addiction knows that triggers and periods of high stress can cause relapse.
His psychiatrist was not going to discuss him, specifically....just what I should expect with cases like this and support groups. I've visited her a few times with him in the past and she has been permitted to share certain things with me.
Seek professional therapy for youself
Find a new boyfriend and get away from this one for good
Have a complete medical check up including test for every STD known to the medical profession.
Everyone's addiction is an individual process that needs to be worked through so it really does not matter what experience anyone else has with this topic if any.
The situation with your boyfriend is as individual as he is.
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