Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OP, my marriage ended because of a similiar situation. our marriage didnt survive the relocation from texas to california. but the bottom line was that we discovered we have different expectations for our respective lives at the point. the move just unearth the issues, even though she was supportive of the idea all along as far as i knew.
go to counseling and start to deal with it. seriously. you may findout she knows what she wants without counseling and you may have to adjust (if it's possible) or make some hard choices. good luck.
I will answer some of the posts above. Thanks for all of the responses and advice.
My wife does work, and has a few friends out here that she meets up with on occasion.
My wife called me today on her lunch break, and said she has been doing some soul searching. She told me that she should not blame or resent me for moving, and for me wanting us to have a higher quality of life. This looks like a big first step for us!
One thing I did not mention, is that we have visited family in Alabama as many times as we can afford since our move to Texas. In fact, I surprised her by flying her dad out for her birthday. She had no idea, and came home from work one Friday to find him sitting on our couch.
She does recognize and appreciate the things I do for her, but she realizes that her resentment is unjust and unwarranted. With some counseling I hope she can see her way into looking at the positives.
Currently no kids and no kids are in the immediate plans! The puppy is enough for us for a while!
Being an only child, my wife has always been very close to her parents, especially her father. We moved in together after we were married, and we would visit with her parents around 3-4 times per week on average.
I fouind that to be a little troubling. A newlywed couple is supposed to start making their own life together. Visiting that often seems excessive.
You're in a tough position if everything you have said is true. You guys talked it out and she agreed to move. I can imagine the IT field being small in Montgomery. In fact, some friends of my wife and I just moved to Houston from South Carolina because he got a job in the same field.
It's easy to sit here and say that she needs to grow up or she's acting spoiled. Seeking counseling should be the first move. Not sure how your finances are, but a Dallas to Nontgomery drive would only take oen day straight there. (We used to do Memphis to Columbia in a day.) Otherwise, there are the obvious pieces of advice -- Skype, get on the same mobile plan with the folks, lots of e-mails and Facebooking.
One thing I did not mention, is that we have visited family in Alabama as many times as we can afford since our move to Texas. In fact, I surprised her by flying her dad out for her birthday. She had no idea, and came home from work one Friday to find him sitting on our couch.
That is awesome! Both the visiting part and the flying him in part. Just be patient with her and surely she will come around.
I will answer some of the posts above. Thanks for all of the responses and advice.
My wife does work, and has a few friends out here that she meets up with on occasion.
My wife called me today on her lunch break, and said she has been doing some soul searching. She told me that she should not blame or resent me for moving, and for me wanting us to have a higher quality of life. This looks like a big first step for us!
One thing I did not mention, is that we have visited family in Alabama as many times as we can afford since our move to Texas. In fact, I surprised her by flying her dad out for her birthday. She had no idea, and came home from work one Friday to find him sitting on our couch.
She does recognize and appreciate the things I do for her, but she realizes that her resentment is unjust and unwarranted. With some counseling I hope she can see her way into looking at the positives.
Currently no kids and no kids are in the immediate plans! The puppy is enough for us for a while!
Look, this is a good start, with a little light coming through the tunnel.
But trust me, she will not likely continue through the tunnel to the other side without some professional guidance.
That she WANTS to is a great sign. But the next time she is feeling stressed or homesick she will likely regress back to those childish feelings of resentment at you.
Strike while the iron is hot!
While she is in this "enlightened" frame of mind and really sees how important not blaming you for where she is in life right now, get her in with a therapist to help her learn some coping skills and to reinforce continuing in the right direction.
I am with everyone who says she should seek some form of therapy to help her before things compound into a huge snowball and things get worse. Moving is hardand stressful, as is starting a new job. Maybe there's a lot more to it and that the overall transition of everything at once is the true tough part.
I live in Va Beach, and my sister and her husband moved to the DFW area for better jobs. A year later, my parents followed them, because it was a very nice place for them to retire.
Currently no kids and no kids are in the immediate plans! The puppy is enough for us for a while!
There it is OP. She is clearly aware what her future holds with you after being married to you or three years.
This is pretty much her window of opportunity for making some life changes. marriage tends to change ppl sometimes. many of the attractive qualities i had before marriage (lots of friends, social activities, "always doing stuff") i lost during my marriage. like going from alpha male to beta male (provider), but i thought that was what you were supposed to do, and ithen became someone i even didnt like myself, which in turn didnt help our marital emotional interaction and relationship (different from the "i want to be with you cuz your interesting, exciting, adventuresome, etc" pre-marriage frame of mind). but i decided to let her go find her happiness elsewhere because she was no longer happy with me, at least to the married me. likewise, i wasnt getting my needs met and got tired of the way she handled other men always hitting on her. she had a hellava rock but guys dont care, from beta's leeching time, attention, and energy to the "are you happily married?" types.
so right now post-divorce, i considering myself a recovery alpha male. that's why i'm here on CDR, to get my dating and relationship chops back into the game and get rid of the rust. i've done okay so far but still need some improvement and recovery. my ex has noticed the changes, knows i'm dating young attractive women again, and now wants to reconcile. i'm not sure we can salvage it and my heart isnt into it anymore, particular since i've concluded that marriage is not for me. we didnt have kids, and she knows i want a son or daugther. we will see what fate has in store for me.
i guess i am disclosing this partly out of some self reflection since your situation broght this to mind, along with some other threads. but also to help you by suggesting that you too need to do some soul searching. because disatisfaction is rarely one sided. good luck.
Try to put yourself in her shoes and treat her accordingly. I don't think this is the time for "grow up" or "get over it" talk. Moving to a new city is very hard on a family under the best of circumstances. For a "trailing spouse" it can be even more difficult, not to mention the strong emotional ties to her parents.
Her reaction is perfectly normal, although I doubt if even she was ready to experience what she is going through, now.
Reminding her that she agreed to move probably will not be helpful.
She needs a friend, someone to pay attention to, and share, her pain, someone to talk with and cry on their shoulder, someone to be understanding and help her to accept the situation and try to work out a solution so she can see her family more often. That would be you.
This is no time for lectures or shrinks. It's a time for empathy and acceptance, time for a strong man.
She needs to get over it. I moved a couple of times when I was married for my husbands job.
its not that easy to get over things you did not want in the first place.
these situation usual start from feeling obligated and sucking any personal reasoning out the window because "its the right thing to do"
i see it a lot in my profession. SO's trying to set up a family and stable home life while constantly following job markets around making life impossible to settle in to.
its something that needs to be nipped in the bud before it happens...or you get what the OP and his SO are dealing with.
its easy to say you can cope through things BEFORE you have actually taken the plunge and changed an aspect of your life around, its another to deal with it when its happened and its something you find you do not want to be a part of or was it as easy to cope with as you thought it would be.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
